November 2014

Eager shoppers camp out for next year’s Black Friday

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Line of Black Friday shoppers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/48SmgG)
Line of Black Friday shoppers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/48SmgG)

Dispatches today from the Hamilton Place Mall, Best Buy and various local retailers have revealed that dozens of dedicated shoppers have begun camping out to reserve prime spots in lines in advance of next year’s Black Friday sales.

Although this year’s Black Friday has yet to happen, certain eager shoppers are already preparing for Black Friday in 2015 by pledging to devote a year of their lives to keep a spot in line.

“We actually have two separate lines of campers in front of our store right now,” said local Target store manager Keith Cardew. “One line is just for 2014 Black Friday shoppers, while the other line is for 2015 Black Friday shoppers.”

“I realize that camping out here for the next 367 days will make me miss the first day of Kindergarten for my daughter Jillian and the wedding of my best friend from high school,” said local resident Carla Sheaffe. “But, I know it’ll be worth it, so I can save $50 on a toaster oven.”

Times Free Press spends $2 mil on bigger fonts

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TFP's new, big fonts (Gavel photo modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nx85fR)
TFP’s new, big fonts (Gavel photo modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nx85fR)

The local broadsheet newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced at a press conference yesterday afternoon that it has invested $2 mil to purchase new, bigger fonts.

“With our previous font sizes, we were unable to properly express how sensational our news articles were,” said Times Free Press managing editor Jordan Krampton. “Now, people are going to literally shit themselves when they see those big, bold headlines every morning, just leaping off the page.”

“I just wish we had these font sizes last week when we published the article ‘East TN sex offender charged in rape of dog,'” said Krampton. “This is just one of the hard-news stories of universal relevance and great importance that deserve a ginormous font size.”

Among the first articles that utilize the newspaper’s new huge fonts will be “RAPEFUL WEEK OF RAPEY RAPE,” “MURDER, BLOOD, GUTS, DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP,” and “PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES!”

“We have a saying in journalism: ‘If it bleeds, it leads,'” said Krampton.

Rossville to ban abortion, may also ban miscarriages and “pulling out”

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Rossville City Hall
Rossville City Hall

After the city council of Rossville, GA unanimously gave preliminary approval earlier this week to an ordinance that bans abortion, it announced that it is considering expanding the language to ban any obstructions to the reproductive process, such as miscarriages and the “pulling out” method of birth control.

Although law experts have deemed the ordinance unconstitutional, violating the U.S. Supreme Court case ruling “Roe v. Wade” in 1973, Rossville officials anticipate the ordinance passing into law at the next council meeting on December 8.

With the proposed new scope of the ordinance, having a miscarriage–commonly referred to as a “spontaneous abortion” before the 1980s–would be illegal, with women expected to turn themselves in to authorities.

“We thought, ‘Why stop there?'” said councilman Jethro Grobbes. “Once the procreative wheels are in motion, there should be nothing in place to stop them.”

The new language of the ordinance would also ban the act of coitus interruptus, also known as the “withdrawal method” or colloquially as “pulling out,” which is withdrawing the penis during intercourse before ejaculation.

“Remember, in the Book of Genesis, God killed Onan after he ‘spilled his seed on the ground’ while nailing his brother’s widow, refusing to impregnate his sister-in-law,” said Grobbes. “Life is precious, y’all.”

Potato-sharing service “Tuber” launches in Chattanooga

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Tuber potato-sharing smartphone app
Tuber potato-sharing smartphone app

The rapidly growing potato-sharing service “Tuber,” founded in San Francisco and currently available in dozens of cities around the world, launched today in Chattanooga, promising residents on-demand potato delivery through the use of a special smartphone app.

“We already have gigabit Internet service, so it was just a matter of time before we caught up with the world regarding on-demand potato sharing,” said local resident Jan Kermann. “I love the idea of being able to have a hot, buttery baked potato delivered to me at any time of the day, for a reasonable price, just by using my smartphone.”

One controversial aspect of Tuber’s business model is “Spud Surge” pricing, which can dramatically increase the price of potato delivery during rare times of high demand.

“Tuber will offer lightning fast service and quality potato sharing from local folks just like you,” said Tuber spokesperson Toby DiMuzio at a press conference Thursday afternoon. “This is one game of hot potato you’ll want to play.”

Election wrap-up: Republicans, bingo-playing winos pleased by election results

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Voting instructions (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/rMpQF)
Voting instructions (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/rMpQF)

* Republicans, bingo-playing winos pleased by election results

* Gov. Haslam pulls football away at last second as Democratic opponent tries to kick it

* Coat-hanger industry stocks soar upon news of Amendment 1 passing

* Vietnam veterans can now legally recreate the Russian Roulette scene from “The Deer Hunter” for charity under Amendment 4

* Passing of “wine in supermarkets” referendum finally allows consumers to purchase Mad Dog 20/20, ammo, birth control, Miracle Whip, gerbils and video cameras in one place

* Bald, adulterous patient-fucker re-elected