September 2017

IRONMAN officials begin clearing roadways with high-speed bulldozers

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In preparation for yet another IRONMAN triathlon this Sunday, event officials have begun the task of clearing every city and surrounding area roadway of cars and people using high-speed bulldozers.

Sources say the local emergency notification system will issue a directive for all non-IRONMAN participants to stay indoors until every athlete has completed the course. Police and military will be on high alert for those who even attempt to go on a roadway.

“Chattanooga citizens must realize that when the IRONMAN comes to town, literally nothing and no one else matters anymore,” explained IRONMAN spokesman Todd Runnerman. “We have even armed speedboats with fish catapults to clear out the waterways.”

Republic Parking now accepts severed arms, legs as payment

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After Republic Parking received criticism for sharply increasing its parking fee in downtown Chattanooga temporarily to $20 during the recent Ironman competition, it announced that it would now accept severed arms and legs from those unable to come up with the necessary cash.

“We overheard people saying that it cost an arm and a leg to park downtown during the Ironman weekend, so that gave us an idea,” said a Republic Parking representative. “If you don’t like our prices, or don’t want to give up any limbs, then just park in Red Bank and walk downtown, if you have any legs left.”

“We’ve added convenient refrigerated storage containers at each parking lot, so your severed limbs will remain fresh until we can sell them,” said the representative.

“For flexibility, we have different payment plans,” said the representative. “For example, instead of giving us an entire arm, if you have a party of four, then we only need a single finger from each person in your party.”

“That will buy you one hour of parking time,” said the representative.

Andy Berke becomes U.S. Secretary of the Treasury after judo chopping Steven Mnuchin behind a dumpster

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After luring United States Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin behind a Washington DC dumpster and performing a judo chop to knock him out, look-a-like and Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke has assumed Mnuchin’s position.

Experts believe the string of events started after Andy Berke’s wife Monique Berke posted an Instagram photo of her coming off a direct flight from Chattanooga to DC while bragging about clothing and accessories purchased from Warehouse Row.

“Being a doppelganger is one easy way to further your political career,” explained Berke, while wiping Mnuchin’s blood from his hands.