December 2017

Trump names The Brian Joyce as his favorite Twitter account

After viewing a series of shitty posts towards peers by a local Chattanooga radio personality, President Donald Trump announced he has named The Brian Joyce his favorite twitter account.

Experts believe Joyce might secretly be someone’s creepy uncle, complete with skewed political views, but way into Starbucks and massive amounts of kale due to some internal malfunction. This and way overblown narcissism is what many believe brought the account to Trump’s attention.

“The way he blows himself with self-written biographies and use of the word pussy makes me poop tweet even harder at 4:00 in the morning,” explained Trump. “What’s even better is the way he regurgitates the same days old liberal talking points, but in a way that sounds like he came up with them. I don’t even have to look at multiple places to get my material. Truly big league!”

James Franco’s next film about failed Catoosa County Film Festival

After directing and starring in The Disaster Artist, a comedy about Tommy Wiseau’s critically panned 2003 film The Room, James Franco announced that his next project would be about the failed Catoosa County Film Festival.

“If you thought Tommy Wiseau’s The Room was the cinematic equivalent of a war atrocity, then just wait until you see Catoosa County Catastrophe,” said Franco at a press conference. “It’s like the Fyre Festival, but in the South, with wrestlers, sex syrup and horror movie extras instead of musicians.”

The Times Free Press documented the astounding incompetence of the Catoosa County Film Festival, which was relocated from the Catoosa County Colonnade to a barn in Tunnel Hill, Ga. on the day of the festival, December 1.

The film festival experienced numerous financial and logistical problems, and the festival’s Kickstarter campaign, which was created two months before the festival, raised zero dollars out of the $55,000 goal.

Franco said that he would star as Edwin Morgan, the festival’s organizer and an investigator of paranormal activity, and has already begun working with a dialect coach on mimicking Morgan’s Ringgold drawl.

According to witnesses, festival guest Brian Lawler, known as the wrestler Grandmaster Sexay, wanted to be paid and threatened Morgan in the parking lot of a Mexican restaurant while fire dancers were performing, before snatching Morgan’s van keys and driving away.

“This is no mockumentary,” said Franco. “Like The Disaster Artist, this shit really happened.”