March 2018

Developers urge city to address vacation-homeless issue


Local housing developers have urged the city government to address the vacation-homeless issue that has plagued Chattanooga – that is, the issue of homeowners who only have a primary residence and do not own a vacation home.

“Can you believe that the majority of Chattanooga homeowners only have one house and no vacation home?” said local developer Cyril Brimble-Scrivener. “No beach house, summer home on the lake, or even a measly pied-à-terre in Manhattan.”

The issue of vacation-homelessness has come to the forefront of Chattanooga politics in a time when a panhandling ordinance has been proposed and a new council was formed to tackle homelessness.

“It’s the American dream to raise a family in a beautiful house,” said Brimble-Scrivener. “And what’s twice as American as that? Having two beautiful houses.”

“Please, for heaven’s sake, let’s help these poor dirt-eating peasants who only have the one house,” said Brimble-Scrivener.

BREAKING: O’Charley’s announces multiple downtown restaurant takeover for Saint Patrick’s Day

Citing a lack of authenticity in the area, famous restaurant chain O’Charley’s announced it will a do a restaurant takeover of multiple downtown eateries for tonight’s Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations. Patrons will see HIP spots such as the Honest Pint and Bitter Alibi have their menus wholly taken over with O’Charley’s items for tonight.

“We really do fail in comparison to the real spirit of the Irish that is O’Charley’s,” explained Honest Pint owner Pat O’Honestman.

“You can now drunkenly stumble to any downtown restaurant for some delicious potato soup, chicken fingers, or Irish favorite Coors Lite,” exclaimed O’Charley’s master of ceremonies Todd O’Irish.”

Chattanooga Police app includes “Hot Cop” slideshow feature

The Chattanooga Police Department (CPD) unveiled its new mobile app this afternoon on Facebook Live and demonstrated several of its features, including the ability to submit anonymous tips, use crime maps and view a “Hot Cop” slideshow of alluring local officers.

“You have the right to remain sexy,” said Chattanooga Police Chief Pat Murkaster to a photo on the mobile phone in his hand, during the live demonstration of the app. “There are some things – or people – you wouldn’t mind being held against you in a court of law.”

“We are proud to have many brave officers on our police force, who all happen to have smokin’ hot bods,” said Murkaster.

“Now, get a load of these guns,” said Murkaster, who pointed to a row of male officers who ripped off their shirts, revealing their chiseled torsos, and started writhing to the sounds of “Hot Cop” by Village People.

Uber Eats to deliver Krystal burgers directly to toilet


The food delivery service Uber Eats started operating in Chattanooga today, and customers have the option of ordering Krystal burgers to be delivered directly into a toilet, to save people the time and trouble of actually eating a Krystal and having it swiftly pass through one’s digestive system.

“This new service is all about efficiency,” said Uber driver and Uber Eats delivery person Kris Courtsay. “People are willing to pay me to go to Krystal, buy a dozen Krystal burgers, then just throw them right into a toilet and flush them down.”

“They say you don’t really buy Krystals – you just rent them,” said Courtsay.

Hipster lanes to be added to MLK Boulevard


The Chattanooga Department of Transportation announced today that eastbound and westbound hipster lanes would be added to a section of East M.L. King Boulevard as part of its repaving project.

“It’s no secret that hipsters have overrun Chattanooga,” said Kelly Dowdeshell, the Chattanooga Department of Transportation’s administrator. “Adding hipster lanes will only improve the traffic flow on East M.L. King, as hipsters go from one craft beer bar to the next.”

Dowdeshell explained that the enforcement of hipster lanes will be aided by cameras, similar to the way some carpool lanes are monitored to ensure that only high-occupancy vehicles are using them.

“It’s not enough to simply ride a bike in these hipster lanes,” said Dowdeshell. “Your bike must be a fixie, a unicycle or one of those old-timey bikes with the giant front wheel.”

“And if you’re riding an old-timey bike, then you must have either a Grizzly Adams beard or a handlebar mustache, sculpted with artisanal mustache wax,” said Dowdeshell. “Minimum two inches long.”

Hipster lanes are also open to hipsters wearing roller skates – quad skates or rollerblades – or even hipsters who choose to walk, as long as they are power-walking, prancercising or wearing ’80s-style neon leggings or skinny jeans that make their legs resemble engorged sausage casings.

“We can’t reveal our dress-code standards for hipster women, because poseurs will totally steal our latest styles,” said Dowdeshell. “But let me give you a hint: think blue-haired manic pixie dreamgirl or Grimes bangs, and you’ll do fine.”