November 2016

City council approves ending 2016 one month early

The Chattanooga City Council unanimously approved legislation yesterday to end the year 2016 one month early.

“Fuck this shit,” said the City Council in a written statement. “We are done with 2016. Let’s just start anew with 2017 already and just forget about December, even though it has a bunch of awesome holidays.”

2016 has been a turbulent year for Chattanooga, and recently, it has had to deal with raging wildfires, a tragic school bus accident, and a devastating fire at a building off Main Street, in addition to tornado watches and flash flooding within the last 24 hours.

“If 2017 starts badly in January, then we might just skip that year entirely,” said the City Council. “Heck, we might just vote to skip the next four years.”

Local Democrats asked to extinguish wildfires with tears

After the shocking victory of Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton in the U.S. Presidential election, Democratic Party leaders have asked local Democrats to help extinguish the raging wildfires with their plentiful teardrops.

“I literally can’t stop crying,” said the weeping Chattanooga resident Kris Ferugina while waiting to board a helicopter which will fly over areas affected by wildfires. “I don’t know how I can tell my children the news that the next president is a xenophobic bigot who mocks people with disabilities, bashes war heroes and brags about sexual assault.”

Democratic challengers Melody Shekari and Khristy Wilkinson were also defeated in races against Republican incumbents Rep. Chuck Fleischmann and state Senator Todd Gardenhire, respectively, assuring that Democratic tears would flow like the rushing waters of Fall Creek Falls.

“Cry your pretty little eyes out,” said Hamilton County Democratic Party Chairman Ashley Fiannan. “Let’s put out those fires quickly. You have until this weekend to get it all out of your system. Snap to it, we’ve got a lot of work to do, to fight some toxic bullshit.”

Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

Smoke from Chuck Fleischmann burning Melody Shekari signs fills Chattanooga area skies

After months of rigorous campaigning for the U.S. Representative of Tennessee’s 3rd congressional district seat, incumbent Chuck Fleischmann took out his frustrations of opponent Melody Shekari by gathering up her signs and lighting them ablaze.

Little did he know that his act of rage would turn into an out of control wildfire, which has threatened hundreds of acres of land and turned Chattanooga skies into a smoke-filled haze that smells a little better than it did before.

Experts believe the fires will burn well after a candidate has been elected.

“Debate this!” exclaimed Fleischmann, blindly lighting a Shekari sign on fire, after the wind had blown hair into his eyes. “I’ve burned about 4,000 signs so far, only about 15,000 more to go.”