June 2017

Toby Keith cancels Riverbend performance to join Church of Urth


Just hours before his performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, country music star Toby Keith announced plans to cancel the gig and join the Church of Urth. Sources say the newly formed church has cleared a path for Keith’s tour buses to pull into their some to be evicted home at the Mercy Junction.

Experts believe the Church will take refuge in one of Keith’s many tour buses, where they will continue to post their weird cult-like videos with backing tracks by Toby Keith kicking non-Urth believer ass for America.

“We’ll put a completely asinine mythical belief up your ass, it’s the Urth way,” explained Church of Urth lay leader/country music star Toby Keith.

Riverbend attendees urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, not shower to conserve water


After Tennessee American Water asked customers east of Missionary Ridge to curb water usage, due to major repair work on a broken valve, Riverbend attendees were urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo by not showering.

“Some consider Riverbend to be the cheaper, county-fair-style alternative to the more renowned Bonnaroo,” said resident Damon Jesbedder. “But tonight, Riverbend audiences can use their imagination and pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, among thousands of filthy neo-hippies, simply by not washing themselves.”

“If you inhale enough body odor fumes, then George Thorogood starts to look like Bono,” said Jesbedder.

Bryan College President Stephen Livesay forcing faith and family night performers to sign statement of belief


While acts were arriving for Riverbend’s annual Faith and Family night, Bryan College President Stephen Livesay was spotted forcing artists so sign a statement of belief, an act he was highly scrutinized for some years ago.

Sources say Livesay quickly approached headliner Crowder as he arrived at the festival grounds, who became so startled that his trucker hat flew into the river.

“The representatives of Christian music should be 100% committed to Christianity and 0% to Satan,” explained Livesay.”The only evolution here should be from the keyboard to the keytar.”

Bessie Smith descendants recall her favorite hipster craft beer bars during Strut


While hundreds crowd Martin Luther King Jr Boulevard for Riverbend’s Bessie Smith Strut, descendants of the late Chattanooga singer reflect of her favorite hipster craft beer spots.

Reporters caught up with Smith’s descendants as they enjoyed the Strut’s fried chicken offerings while surrounded by a group of drunk caucasians.

“When Bessie wasn’t chomping down on a 5 lb turkey leg or a stick of deep-fried butter wrapped in a funnel cake, she was enjoying a refreshing small batch IPA by a local microbrewery,” explained Bessie Smiths great great great nephew, Nessie Smith.

Singing man shocks Riverbend Festival attendees with profanity-ridden performance (NOT REAL)


During his Saturday night performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, former Eagles member song singing man sent attendances home shocked and upset with his profanity-laced lyrics. All of this happened just an hour before the 9:30 headliner Ludacris took the stage with his family friendly show.

The night began to take a turn for Riverbend attendees after man’s rendition of Hotel California included the lines “Welcome to the h*llhole that is Hotel California, such a shi**y place, and I will f**k your face.”

The night became even more obscene after manguy brought out former Riverbend performer and now banned Cee Lo Green, who began to vulgarly trash former Eagles members, Don Henley and Glenn Frey, then proceeded to paint the River Gorge Explorer gold.

(edited for cease and desist)

Riverbend headliner Toby Keith investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with Saudis


Three weeks after country music star and Riverbend headliner Toby Keith performed in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to an all-male audience, taking place during President Trump’s first overseas trip, it was reported that Keith was being investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with the Saudi government.

“We need to get to the bottom of this,” said political analyst Abe Tolhirst. “We are talking about some sick riffs, like, some absolutely killer riffage that should only be in American hands.”

“These riffs are military-grade riffs that can make people lose their minds and incessantly hoot and holler and make poor fashion decisions, involving denim abuse and flag motifs,” said Tolhirst.

It is unknown whether or not Keith will use these riffs at his June 16 performance at Riverbend.