February 2014

Chattanooga Symphony to accompany screening of “Showgirls”

"Showgirls" with orchestral accompaniment
“Showgirls” with orchestral accompaniment

As part of the second annual Chattanooga International Film Music Festival this weekend, the Chattanooga Symphony & Opera will provide a live accompaniment to a special screening of the modern classic 1995 film Showgirls.

The award-winning* film was directed by the acclaimed Dutch director Paul Verhoeven and has been praised by film critics including Jonathan Rosenbaum and Jim Hoberman, grossing over $100 million from combined box office and home video revenues.

“Sure, we’ve all seen and enjoyed Showgirls many times at home, and it’s even a Thanksgiving tradition with my family,” said Chattanooga Symphony publicist Cristal Malone. “But to experience seeing it on a big screen, with a full symphony orchestra providing a live score, that’s something really special and rare.”

“When Nomi gives Zack a lap dance at Cheetah’s, the swell of the orchestra really makes that scene come alive,” said Malone.

“It’s a major achievement in film, made better with a live orchestra,” said Malone. “This screening and performance at the Tivoli Theatre will have it all – music, singing, dancing. And most importantly, tits.”

* Seven 1995 Golden Raspberry Awards

Conservationists organize Con Nooga to propagate endangered geek population

Catwoman vs. Wonder Woman (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bEsZ1g)
Catwoman vs. Wonder Woman (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bEsZ1g)

In 2007, conservation biologists at the University of Tennessee Chattanooga (UTC) were alarmed by trends seen in field data, showing dwindling populations of local geek life, which they attributed to the gradual loss of the natural habitats and ecosystems of geeks, such as video arcades and comic book shops.

The biologists realized that geeks were facing extinction, and in order to propagate the endangered geek population, they made the bold decision to organize an experiment, called “Con Nooga,” which is now in its seventh year.

“Con Nooga was created in order to foster captive breeding between male and female geeks, who previously had limited opportunities to intermingle,” said UTC Biology professor Dr. Emery Rackley.

Rackley further explained that male geeks were largely engaged in non-social activities, such as watching Japanese tentacle anime alone or painting metal miniature figurines of wizards using tiny brushes, and their rare social activities were typically limited to playing Magic: The Gathering with other male geeks.

Female geeks, Rackley explained, didn’t fare much better, favoring activities such as reading Anne Bishop fantasy novels or binge-watching Doctor Who, and venturing outdoors only to visit cemeteries to take photos and write goth poetry.

While marketed as a “Multi-Fandom Convention” devoted to science fiction, fantasy, cosplay, comics, anime, horror and gaming, the true purpose of Con Nooga is to offer geeks the rare, annual opportunity to pair up and reproduce, and after last weekend’s Con Nooga event at the Chattanooga Convention Center and Chattanooga Choo Choo campus, preliminary field statistics show favorable and increasing rates of geek impregnation.

“Corsets, cleavage, neon-green alcoholic drinks, and a shared fanatical admiration for Joss Whedon shows: all these help reverse the trend toward geek extinction,” said Rackley. “This year, the Necronomiprom at the Choo Choo was like the geek version of a frat-house Halloween party. Caligula would have blushed.”

Local pub uses Kickstarter to raise funds to pass health inspection

(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/kk7va7d)
(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/kk7va7d)

Last week, local Irish pub Shane MacGowan’s Teeth closed its doors after failing two inspections by the Tennessee Division of General Environmental Health, which cited several critical violations involving food handling practices.

However, the pub has started a crowd-sourcing Kickstarter campaign in order to raise money to pay for renovations in order to pass future health inspections so that it may open for business again.

The Kickstarter campaign hopes to raise $20,000 to fund the changes necessary to allow the restaurant to be compliant with health standards in addition to paying for several unrelated enhancements.

“I can’t wait for us to open our doors again, so all you magnificent freaks, rednecks, creepers, perverts, assholes and shitheads can come back and enjoy our grub,” said pub owner Avery Mountbatter.

“It’s sad that ‘The Man’ is trying to keep us down by making us jump through all these bureaucratic hoops that they claim will keep our customers safe and not suffering from food poisoning and opening the sluices at both ends,” said Mountbatter.

“It’s true that we could theoretically apply for a small business loan or tap into our own private funds,” said Mountbatter. “But with Kickstarter, we have an easy and widely accepted way to essentially beg for money and take advantage of kind and generous people’s goodwill and feeling of fraternal obligation.”

“Never let a good crisis go to waste,” said Mountbatter.

Radio stations play Paul Simon’s Graceland for Black History Month

Paul Simon's 1986 album "Graceland"
Paul Simon’s 1986 album “Graceland”

To honor Black History Month, which is observed during the month of February, several Chattanooga radio stations have agreed to play the entirety of Paul Simon’s award-winning, critically recognized and commercially successful 1986 album Graceland.

“Popular music wouldn’t be what it is today without the deep influence of many black musicians and singers over centuries,” said Hott Jamz 108.1 FM music director Emery Gramm. “And what better album is there to exemplify that influence than Paul Simon’s Graceland.”

In addition to Graceland, radio stations have prepared a Black History Month playlist that includes such tracks as “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin, “Angel of Harlem” by U2 and Duran Duran’s cover of Public Enemy’s “911 Is a Joke.”

Both pro-union and anti-union campaigns offer promise of handjobs to VW workers

Volkswagen and UAW logos
Volkswagen and UAW logos

From today until this Friday, employees of the Volkswagen (VW) auto manufacturing plant in Chattanooga may vote either for or against union representation through the United Auto Workers (UAW), and both pro-union and anti-union campaigns have swiftly ramped up their efforts to sway voters.

UAW representatives and advocates have extolled the benefits of having better worker representation at VW and leverage to increase wages, while opponents have stated that VW wages are already competitive and the presence of the UAW may discourage further economic development in the area.

Within the last week, both sides have engaged in an escalated “bidding war” of sorts, offering VW voters the promise of increasingly extravagant benefits, including free sno-cones during lunch breaks, “Pantless Casual Fridays,” insurance benefits for pets, and having Kid Rock leave a personalized message on each worker’s home answering machine.

Finally, both campaigns pulled out their aces by offering VW employees one free monthly handjob.

“Sure, the UAW says they’ll give you a handjob, but will they also, simultaneously, cup your balls with the free hand?” said union opponent Justin McCarmeck. “I guarantee you, your balls will be cupped, if you vote against the union.”

“It would be un-American to offer a handjob without ball-cupping,” said UAW representative Ren Schmertt. “Vote in favor of the UAW, and your handjob will have ball-cupping plus a gentle breath of warm air onto your scrotum.”

Drug-fueled “Dating on Speed” matchmaking events take speed dating to next level

Couple (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/e2Bhgt)
Couple (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/e2Bhgt)

For years, speed dating – which refers to organized dating events where singles have brief conversations with several potential partners – has been a viable option for time-strapped singles by pairing like-minded people and softening the blow of rejection.

Still, for those who haven’t found speed dating to be speedy enough, an enterprising local matchmaker, Robin Surrath, has developed a new idea to take speed dating to the next level: Dating on Speed.

“This is an idea whose time has come,” said Surrath. “It’s accepted that Tennessee has the worst meth addiction problem out of all 50 states, so why not use that to our advantage, to bring lovers together?”

The first “Dating on Speed” event will be held at the Kings Lodge Motel located near the Ridge Cut in Chattanooga, and it will cater to lonely meth enthusiasts with short attention spans.

“At a typical speed dating event, you might meet six to ten people,” said Surrath. “However, at a Dating on Speed event, you are going to meet at least ten times that many people: 60 to 100 potential partners.”

Although this seems logistically impossible, Surrath said that Dating on Speed uses a method inspired by Twitter, where participants are not allowed to say more than 140 characters to each other before moving on to the next person.

Surrath clarified that Dating on Speed is strictly a BYOM (“Bring Your Own Meth”) event, and motel rooms will be available at a special discounted hourly rate for couples who wish to escalate their newly formed relationships as quickly as possible.

Chattanooga goes wild over new, mediocre restaurant

Adequate burger (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7PpQLa)
Adequate burger (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7PpQLa)

The collective populace of Chattanooga is going completely batshit crazy over the opening of a new chain restaurant which serves common, acceptable food.

Although patrons may expect to wait a minimum of one hour before being seated, that has not deterred any customers from coming and ordering a variety of sandwiches, burgers and fried food.

The restaurant is part of the highly successful B.M.I. Saturday’s franchise which offers standard American casual dining, without any surprises.

“This place isn’t some fancy-pants restaurant that’s trying to show off,” said local customer Harris Kasterson. “It’s not lagging behind, either. It’s right in the middle, the way I like it.”

“I love the chicken fingers,” said Ooltewah resident Andie Prestyn. “They’re pretty much like the chicken strips you can get at McDonald’s, but here they’re served on a plate, which is a nice touch.”

Analysts predict that B.M.I. Saturday’s may soon be Chattanooga’s favorite restaurant, besting both Sushi, Mayo and More and Greasy Italian Restaurant You Only Go To On Birthdays To Take Advantage Of The Free Birthday Meal.

“We Buy Golf Clubs” ad to be featured during Super Bowl

Mike's Golf Shop ad
Mike’s Golf Shop ad

The world-famous advertisement for Mike’s Golf Shop in Chattanooga, featuring proprietor Mike Mixson’s clear declaration of “We buy golf clubs,” is slated to be featured during this Sunday’s Super Bowl broadcast.

The ad rose to prominence last autumn, when it was featured on CBS Sports, Forbes, MSN, AdWeek and many other media outlets, and it was praised for its economy of words and persistent, memorable message.

While the original advertisement was 41 seconds long, Mixson filmed a new, extended version of the ad for the Super Bowl broadcast, clocking in at 60 seconds and allowing Mixson to say “We buy golf clubs” an additional seven times.

The rate for commercial advertising during this year’s Super Bowl is approximately $4 million for a 30-second ad.

Mixson’s ad is considered to be a front-runner for Clio and Cannes Lions awards, which recognize excellence in the advertising field, and one advertising industry analyst is quoted as saying, “I haven’t seen an ad so vibrant and alive since those ‘Head On – apply directly to the forehead’ ads.”

Film critics have also applauded Mixson’s hand-held, minimalist cinematography for its artistic qualities and naturalistic film-making style, clearly influenced by the French New Wave and Dogme 95 manifesto.