August 2014

Local police dept. receives surplus aircraft carrier from Pentagon

USS Henry Kissinger (CVN-78) aircraft carrier
USS Henry Kissinger (CVN-78) aircraft carrier

Since the early 1990s, the Pentagon has transferred a significant amount of surplus military equipment to state and local police departments as part of its “Department of Defense Excess Property Program,” and at a press conference yesterday afternoon, it was announced that the Chattanooga Police department would receive an aircraft carrier from the program, to aid local law enforcement.

In the last eight years alone, tens of thousands of machine guns have been provided to police across the nation by the Pentagon, in addition to weapons such as grenade launchers, body armor and night-vision equipment and vehicles including aircraft and armored cars.

The acquisition of the surplus aircraft carrier USS Henry Kissinger (CVN-78) was deemed a major victory for the local police force, although it comes at a time when the use of military equipment in law enforcement is facing harsh criticism, after the high-profile protests in Ferguson, Mo.

The aircraft carrier is expected to initially take the place of the dilapidated North Shore barge this fall, after the aircraft carrier aids in its obliteration, and subsequently, it may be used to patrol the Tennessee River along the Chattanooga Riverwalk.

In addition to modern weaponry, the Chattanooga Police department will also receive older equipment, such as catapults, bayonets and howitzers, to aid its crime-fighting efforts to apprehend shoplifters, marijuana dealers and other criminals.

Benevolent UTC fraternities encourage sororities to take Ice Bucket Challenge

Ice Bucket Challenge (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Ice Bucket Challenge (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

In a remarkable show of altruism, fraternities at the University of Tennessee Chattanooga (UTC) have challenged local sororities to take the Ice Bucket Challenge to promote awareness of ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.

“There has been some confusion about the Ice Bucket Challenge, with some people not knowing that it’s about ALS awareness,” said fraternity member and UTC senior Toby Glennerster. “That’s why we have made these special white t-shirts for the sorority sisters to wear during the challenge, that read ‘The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge gets me wet.'”

“We recommend that the sisters don’t wear colored or patterned bras under the shirts, because they can make the words hard to read,” said Glennerster. “It’s best to just not wear a bra. We want the message to be perfectly clear.”

“Also, the t-shirt maker only had petite-sized shirts,” said Glennerster. “Hope that’s OK.”

The Ice Bucket Challenge involves benefactors dumping buckets of ice water on themselves while pledging a donation toward ALS research and challenging others to do the same.

“Of course, having video documentation of these young women participating in philanthropy is absolutely essential,” said Glennerster. “A shaky smartphone video just won’t cut it. An occasion like this deserves multiple ultra high definition cameras, capturing every angle, so it can be played back in slow-motion with a Marvin Gaye soundtrack.”

“It’s all about charity,” said Glennerster.

Election wrap-up: Fleischmann begins 2-year-long nap, Zach Wamp takes son to Ben & Jerry’s

Chuck Fleischmann
Chuck Fleischmann
* Victorious 3rd Congressional District Rep. Chuck Fleischmann begins another two-year-long nap

* Zach Wamp takes son to Ben & Jerry’s

* Unopposed 3rd Congressional District Democratic candidate Mary Headrick narrowly wins

* 4th Congressional District race too close to call – Rep. Scott DesJarlais urges opponent state Sen. Jim Tracy’s mother to have 231st trimester abortion

* Of course, domestic partnership ordinance defeated, this is freakin’ Tennessee, what did you think?

New music venue, airport, street preacher, howler monkey farm coming to Southside

Howler monkeys (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Howler monkeys (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

After Southside residents voiced complaints about noise levels from nearby music venues and establishments, some were surprised to learn that a new, proposed Chattanooga noise ordinance would not only raise acceptable decibel levels but also extend the permitted hours later into the evening.

The ordinance draft comes on the heels of the announcement of a new 500-person music venue as part of an entertainment complex on the Chattanooga Choo-Choo campus.

Coincidentally, it was also announced to the dismay of noise-averse Southside residents that several more Main Street additions were forthcoming, including an airport, a shooting range, a vuvuzela academy and a howler monkey farm.

Furthermore, the street preacher Angela Cummings, who infamously delivered disruptive outdoor fire-and-brimstone sermons last year on the campus of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, announced that she would be moving her pulpit to a street corner on the Southside.

These additions would be a part of the new “Noise District” that would encompass the area between 4th Street and Main Street, and the district is expected to boost the local revenue of earplug and sleeping pill vendors by $19 million annually.