May 2018

Few remaining open roads in downtown Chattanooga to be closed by next Friday

After months of road work causing closures on many streets in downtown Chattanooga, a representative from the City of Chattanooga’s transportation department announced plans to go ahead and shut down the remaining roads by next Friday. Sources say the closures have caused headaches for many downtown commuters, and some have even resorted to driving on bike lanes more than they usually would.

“Commuters will be advised to take alternative routes, such as driving thru the Tennesee River or by parachuting from a passing plane,” explained a City of Chattanooga transportation department spokesman. “We hope to have every street reopened in about six months after Riverbend ends, just to keep things a nice pain in the ass.”

Royal honeymoon mistakenly booked at King’s Lodge


Amid speculation regarding where newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would spend their honeymoon, it was revealed that in a colossal error, their matrimonial vacation was booked at King’s Lodge in Chattanooga.

According to a spokesperson, the hotel was booked after the royal family’s travel agent read a glowing article in the New York Times about Chattanooga and, in haste, selected King’s Lodge based on its regal-sounding name before looking at reviews on the Trip Advisor website, which featured comments such as “Dirty worst hotel ever” and “Crack and roach infested.”

A cursory amount of research would have also revealed that King’s Lodge was turned into an apartment complex last year.

“Cor blimey! I deserve a bollocking over this cock up, which should have been easy peasy lemon squeezy,” said Basil Portendorfer, the royal family’s travel agent, while cleaning his monocle with a handkerchief. “Maybe I should have tried Lamar’s Motel.”

David Blaine to hold breath for 18 minutes inside chicken processing plant


While in Chattanooga for his June 2 performance at the Tivoli Theatre, street magician and endurance artist David Blaine announced that he would break a world record by holding his breath for 18 minutes while locked inside the downtown chicken processing plant.

Blaine has performed endurance stunts including being encased in a block of ice for over 63 hours, being suspended over the River Thames in a Plexiglas case for 44 days and hanging upside down over Central Park for 60 hours.

“Anyone who has caught a whiff of the intense chicken plant stench on a summer day knows that it can be unbearable, so David Blaine is perhaps facing the riskiest stunt of his entire career,” said Chattanooga resident Randall Menalivis, a longtime fan.

Slaughterhouse weddings take barn-wedding trend to next level


Over the last ten years, there’s been a growing trend to hold weddings in barns with rustic, farm-related decor, and now, local trend-setters have taken the idea to the next level by having weddings in slaughterhouses.

“You can’t get more real than this,” said wedding planner Gracie Nimberlaut. “As real as the love that’s formed by the sacred bond of matrimony.”

“People are getting tired of the same old barn wedding, with wooden barrels, Mason jars, bales of hay and vintage vases with wildflowers,” said Nimberlaut, who prefers the word “abattoir,” another term for slaughterhouse. “I guarantee you that nobody will forget an abattoir wedding.”

One advantage of having an abattoir wedding is the freshness of the meat for the wedding meal.

“It is simply not possible to have fresher meat at your wedding than by having an abattoir wedding,” said Nimberlaut. “This is farm-to-table dining, taken to its absolute extreme.”

After the meal, guests are led to the cutting room, which for an abattoir wedding is used to cut the wedding cake, and then guests are ushered to the kill floor, which becomes the dance floor.

“Instead of the traditional throwing of the bouquet, some brides opt for the non-traditional ‘throwing of the offal,’ which has been a big hit,” said Nimberlaut.

It’s a trend that is beginning to catch on locally, and Nimberlaut contends that abattoirs can be elegant, charming and even fun locations for weddings.

“You can’t spell ‘slaughterhouse’ without ‘laughter,'” said Nimberlaut.

Yodeling Kid, Sweet Potato Pie Guy to have sing-off at local Walmart


In what is being billed as “The Battle of the Singing Walmart Viral Video Stars,” the eleven-year-old “Yodeling Kid” Mason Ramsey and the “Patti Pie Guy” James Wright will have a sing-off Wednesday, May 9, at the Gunbarrel Road Walmart.

Ramsey earned quick fame from a viral video of him singing the Hank Williams song “Lovesick Blues,” complete with yodeling, at a Walmart store, and since the video was shot in March, he has performed at the Grand Ole Opry and the Coachella Festival and signed a record deal with Atlantic Records.

Wright became famous overnight for his glowing video review of Patti LaBelle’s Sweet Potato Pies which included him singing parts of various Patti LaBelle songs; the video and its follow-up were responsible for the sale of several million dollars worth of pies, which were only available at Walmart.

“Usually, viral videos that involve Walmart are footage of some kind of child abuse or fashion atrocity,” said organizer Grady Hurbington. “We’re thrilled that these two viral videos show Walmart as being a center of musical and culinary culture.”

According to sources, Ramsey and Wright will sing Hank Williams and Patti LaBelle songs that have been adapted to have Walmart-related lyrics, including “Six More Aisles (to the Checkout),” “(Last Night) I Heard You Crying in Your Sleep (on This Inexpensive Bed Made out of Chinese Particle Board),” “(Ridiculously Giant Jar of) Orange Marmalade,” and “(I’m Going to Eat This Entire $5.99 Rotisserie Chicken) On My Own.”

“Coyotes are motherfuckers” warns Tenn. Wildlife Dept.

The Tennessee Wildlife Department warned today at a press conference that coyote sightings have been on the rise around Chattanooga and that coyotes are a bunch of bloodthirsty motherfuckers.

“These assholes won’t think twice about ripping apart your precious little chihuahua or fluffy kitty cat,” said Rita Viscobb, a representative from the Tennessee Wildlife Department. “Coyotes are total douchebags who suck balls, so keep your tiny friends inside at night.”

“Coyotes will fuck up a little bunny rabbit just for a little snack,” said Viscobb. “I mean, what kind of a dick move is that?”

Viscobb recommended that residents should avoid keeping uneaten pet food outside, pointing out that coyotes will eat almost anything, including rotting food scraps or Taco Bell’s Beefy Crunch Burritos.

“If you see one of these rat bastard coyotes, try to scare them away by screaming ‘Go away, you coyote motherfucker!’ at them while flipping them the bird, or throw pinecones that have been covered with glitter at them,” said Viscobb. “They hate pinecones, and they hate flair.”

“If that doesn’t work, then try to publicly shame the coyotes by posting their photos on Facebook,” said Viscobb, who has a personal vendetta against coyotes.

“A coyote ate my baby,” said Viscobb, with a thick Australian accent.