Editorial: I have COVID-19 and I’m JACKED for the Chattanooga freedom rally

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If you’re like me and love freedom, you’re probably getting sick and tired of having to stay home and doing your reps in your shitty one-car garage. It seems like only yesterday I was in the gym getting swole with my bros. This is probably where I got this so-called “COVID-19”.

My bro, who I will call J-Dawg for privacy purposes, was complaining of some fever and shortness of breath bullshit. We all know Jake isn’t a wuss, so he hit the garage gym anyway. Because we are all fuckin’ jacked and ripped, we like to lift with our mouths. Now we usually wipe down the bars in between turns, but a bunch of fuckin’ Karens bought up all the wipes at the Food City so the blood, sweat, urine, and saliva had to remain.

A week later, I’m sitting here on my lift seat, typing this out with a fever, and I can’t taste a damn thing in this protein shake. It’s bullshit. A fellow bro told me I should get tested for this coronavirus or whatever so I drove my sweet ass 2009 Mustang Convertable thru a drive thru testing place. Some doctor stuck a long ass qtip in my nose then called me later and told me I was sick. I told them of course I’m fuckin siccckk, but they said I have the coronavirus or ‘rona if you’re cool and i should stay home or some bullshit.

All this time in isolation without being able to hit up Planet Fitness, Buds, GNC, Disney World, the former Electric Cowboy to pay my respects, and Hamilton Skate Place made me realize the government is holding us down. What can only be called a miracle, I heard there was a rally happening today to protest the government’s tyrannical ways. I may feel like shit, but you bet my swole ass ill be there.

Now I keep hearing things about flattening the curve. The only curve being flattened is my biceps from not lifting. The government WILL NOT take this away from me. I will be at this protest. I WILL demand my rep to allow me to rep.

To all my brothers and sisters in freedom. I’ll see you out there. I won’t need a mask because it hurts to breathe and the only gloves i’ll be wearing are the fingerless ones when I’m lifting 900 pounds over my head.

Keep lifting for freedom,

Sly

Everyday heroes: adult bookstore donates 1,000 gimp masks to local hospitals

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A Chattanooga adult bookstore has responded to the issue of limited supplies of face masks for medical personnel and caretakers, in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, by donating 1,000 gimp masks to hospitals.

“It warms my heart to see such an outpouring of kindness and generosity during this challenging time,” said local bondage enthusiast Ashley Umswig. “And these are high-quality gimp masks, too, made of genuine full-grain black leather.”

This donation comes at a time when local residents have volunteered to create homemade masks for medical professionals, in preparation for possible shortages.

Medical experts do not recommend using ball-gags for protection against communicable diseases such as COVID-19, because they do not provide adequate coverage.

Experts warn: cheaper-than-milk gas is no substitute for milk

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With the price of gasoline dropping well below $2 a gallon in Chattanooga, making it less expensive than milk, experts are reminding residents that gas is not an acceptable substitute for milk.

Facing the COVID-19 pandemic, residents are seeing local grocery stores sell out of staples and necessities like milk, bread, and toilet paper, sometimes forcing them to substitute items or be resourceful.

“If you’re out of milk, it might be tempting to fill your breakfast cereal bowl with some unleaded gas instead, since it’s now cheaper than milk,” said local petroleum and dairy expert Kim Attnius. “My expert advice to you is to strongly recommend against it.”

“Also, sandpaper is not a good substitute for toilet paper,” said Attnius. “I’m not an expert on toilet paper, so I had to learn this the hard way.”

10-person gathering limit devastates local orgy community

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Shockwaves were felt throughout Chattanooga’s orgy community after Tennessee Governor Bill Lee signed Executive Order 17, which prohibits social gatherings of more than 10 people.

“How am I supposed to get off by having sex with less than 10 people?” said local swinger and orgy enthusiast Kelly Tristhem. “All I’m asking for, and this isn’t much, is to have my wildest fantasies fulfilled by bathing in a giant ocean of flesh and genitals, all flopping around, while everyone is greased up and wearing masquerade masks, moaning and making animal noises and writhing with ecstasy and orgasmic pleasure.”

Citizens are currently strongly advised to stay at home and avoid contact with other people while COVID-19 cases are swiftly increasing unless absolutely necessary, due to health and safety reasons, and state authorities have unveiled their new pro-masturbation campaign with the slogan: “Masturbation: it’s sex with someone you love.”

Friends of the Festival hoping COVID-19 sticks around long enough to blame it on low Riverbend turnout

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After many music festivals around the globe are canceling upcoming events due to the COVID-19 outbreak, a spokeswoman for Friends of the Festival announced they believe the outbreak will probably, or I’m sure most definitely cause a low turnout for this years Riverbend festival.

“Oh man, it’s really too bad that :cough cough: I won’t be able to make it to Riverbend this year :cough cough: really sad, yeah,” explained Riverbend executive director Mickey McCamish festival attendee Charlie Bendsmen. “I know there’s hundreds more that feel the same, probably even tens of thousands, really sad, bummer.”

“We knew that knocking off a few days will bring down the turnout, explained Friends of the Festival spokeswomen Karen Sanders, “I’m pretty sure this Coronavirus or whatever will cause us to limit the festival to probably 1 day, or maybe just 30 minutes.”

Blue Orleans owners say “screw it”, will transform the restaurant into a Cicis

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After going thru a massive transformation courtesy of the hit television series “Restaurant: Impossible”, Blue Orleans owners Mike Adams and Cherita Bloodwirth announced plans to abandon the New Orleans style restaurant and open a Cicis instead.

Sources say patrons of the newly made-over restaurant were shocked to hear of the news, but we’re pretty excited because they like cheap pizza.

“We knew that taking down our large diving curtains would open up many possibilities in the future,” explained owner and chef Mike Adams.”Little did we know those possibilities would bring a 40-foot pizza buffet!”

“Now our children will never want to leave because we have pizza, and you know kids love pizza,” explained Bloodwirth.

Police data storage failure results in loss of dashcam footage, funny cat videos

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The Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office experienced “catastrophic data loss” on its 13-year-old data storage servers, resulting in the loss of over a year’s worth of dashboard camera footage for 130 patrol deputies and the department’s massive stash of funny cat videos.

“I can’t believe it,” said the office’s information technology administrator, Ashley Zernot. “Our collection of funny cat videos was legendary, and now they’re all gone.”

“About half of these videos weren’t ever on YouTube or Facebook,” said Zernot. “They were traded on the dark web, which is where you find the absolute funniest, cutest cat videos out there.”

“You’ve got to dig and know the right people to find the good stuff,” said Zernot. “These cats are so cute, they make Keyboard Cat look like a clump of moist hairballs in comparison.”

“We also had this great collection of dashcam bloopers, and that’s lost forever, too,” said Zernot. “My favorite is one where an officer is pulling over this gorgeous lady, and as he bends over to talk through the driver’s window, he accidentally lets rip this thunderous fart.”

“Next time, I guess I’ll backup everything on floppy disks or Jaz drives or something,” said Zernot.

Bloomberg announces Monopoly Man as VP running mate

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At a rally today at the Bessie Smith Cultural Center in Chattanooga, Democratic billionaire presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg announced that he has selected the Monopoly Man as his running mate.

“This was a tough decision to make,” said Bloomberg, the former mayor of New York City who is the ninth richest person in the U.S.A. “But, he was the most qualified candidate for Vice President I could find, and by ‘most qualified’ I mean ‘most filthy stinking rich.'”

“Every night, he sleeps on a giant mountain of gold coins, and it’s true that he named his oldest daughter ‘Capital Gains,'” said Bloomberg about the Monopoly Man, also known as Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Bloomberg said that the Monopoly Man beat out other worthy Vice Presidential candidates that were under consideration, including Scrooge McDuck, Richie Rich, and a tiny metal top hat.

Monday forecast: sunny 70 degrees, then snow, floods, blood rain, plagues of locusts, frogs, chicken parts

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Forecasters are predicting Monday’s weather in Chattanooga to include sunny, 70-degree weather, then a snowstorm, then flash flooding, then a torrent of blood rain, then plagues of locusts, frogs and chicken parts.

“Don’t stow away your galoshes just yet! It’s been a wild week, and it’s just going to get wilder,” said local weather forecaster Pat Valdasto. “Bring your umbrella, because we’re expecting to see locusts and frogs and random chicken parts, just flying around everywhere.”

“I’m just a meteorologist, and there’s no need to panic,” said Valdasto. “But in my expert opinion, I think God or Shiva or Cthulhu is angry with us, and we are all going to die horrible, painful deaths soon.”

Repurposing Hershey’s syrup bottle as water bottle best thing a Republican has done in years

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Using a repurposed Hershey’s chocolate syrup bottle as a water bottle by Tennessee State Representative Kent Calfee has been widely recognized as the best thing a Republican has done in years.

“This is a grade A life-hack, my friends,” said local environmentalist Summer Starlight. “We should all be inspired to repurpose things that would otherwise end up in a landfill.”

“Bravo, Mr. Calfee, bravo, you magnificent nature-loving cheapskate,” said Starlight.

Calfee was later seen using an old sock as a reusable coffee filter.

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