Local scientists still working on tech to leave emptied garbage cans upright

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Garbage cans

Local experts say that the technology to leave a garbage can standing upright after it had been emptied by an automated lift mechanism is still at least ten years away, despite billions of dollars spent on decades of intensive research.

“Believe me, the area’s best and brightest scientists have been cranking away on this problem for a while,” said UTC professor Dr. Kelly Offenbrick. “We have been working tons of overtime hours while hepped up on energy drinks, sacrificing our sanity and personal lives to find a solution. I personally am on my fourth divorce.”

Analysts say that whoever comes up with this technology for automated side-loader garbage trucks is practically guaranteed a Nobel Prize.

“It’s like developing the polio vaccine, or putting a man on the moon,” said Offenbrick. “It’s the most important problem we are facing today, and it’s not like you can just have a person get out of the truck and put a can upright if it’s on its side.”

Fleischmann cites reason he won’t hold town hall meetings: “I am a pussy”

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After Rep. Chuck Fleischmann (R-Ooltewah) told the Chattanooga Times Free Press that he will “never” hold another town hall meeting, he clarified that his reason behind the decision was that he was a pussy.

“Folks, I’m just going to admit it. I am a pussy,” said Fleischmann. “I am just a huge pussy, like a big useless, floppy pile of day-old roast beef.”

“We have a lot of questions for Fleischmann,” said Chattanooga resident Dolores Ruggem. “Many are about the awful ‘One Big Beautiful Bill’ that he voted in favor of, which will increase the national debt by $4 trillion and which is opposed by 59% of Americans according to a Fox News poll, but we also want to know which variety of Vagisil he uses.”

“Just thinking about having a town hall meeting and talking with my constituents, some of whom are just a bunch of big stupid meanies, makes my vagina hurt,” said Fleischmann, before beginning to pout and suck his thumb.

TDOT to turn bumpy Wilcox Blvd. bridge into dirt bike track

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Dirt bike. Inset: Wilcox Blvd. speed bump.

After numerous complaints from residents about the poor condition of the Wilcox Blvd. bridge – citing massive speed bumps and gaps – the Tenn. Department of Transportation announced that it would turn the bumpy bridge into a dirt bike track, instead of going with the original plan of rebuilding the bridge.

“Dudes and dudettes, we were inspired and stoked by the Chattanooga River Games last weekend and its totally gnarly extreme sports,” said TDOT representative Herc Cisspott in a heavy Californian surfer accent. “Instead of trying to fix these bat-shit-crazy bumps and bitch-ass cracks, why not take advantage of them?”

“In the extreme world of dirt bike racing, the bumpier and more dangerous the track, the better,” said Cisspott. “We are already planning a new extreme sports festival, centered on the Wilcox Blvd. bridge, and we plan on calling it the ‘Rock Out with Your Wilcox Out’ Fest.”

“Imagine some aggro biker just totally fucking shredding and then hitting some epic bump and catching beaucoup hang time. But then, oh fuck, they botch the landing and just fly right off the bridge, ass over tits, and wipe out like a mofo,” said Cisspott, before making the “devil horns” sign with his right hand and sticking out his tongue. “It’s gonna be siiiiiiick.”

Planned Nashville tunnel between airport and downtown to allow bachelorette party buses

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Bachelorette party bus

After Tenn. Governor Bill Lee announced plans for the Music City Loop – an underground tunnel connecting Nashville’s downtown with its airport, intended only for Tesla vehicles – it was revealed that the project has been expanded to also include bachelorette party buses.

“I looked at the numbers, and getting these bachelorette party buses off the downtown streets will really help with our traffic congestion issues,” said Nashville City Planner Jamie Deckless. “Anyone who’s out in Nashville on a weekend can attest that the streets are clogged with these obnoxiously loud mobile monstrosities, with plastered tiara-wearing ladies projectile vomiting neon green margaritas and littering the streets with party favors, like coozies that say ‘Maid of Dishonor.'”

Critics of the Music City Loop tunnel project, to be completed by Elon Musk’s Boring Company, have cited concerns including a lack of transparency, complicated geological challenges, and negative environmental impacts, such as spilled low-grade paint-thinner-scented vodka drinks contaminating waste water drains and excessive plastic garbage, primarily in the form of novelty crazy straws in the shape of penises and testicles, from the party buses.

The Boring Company’s Las Vegas tunnel project has been criticized for skirting labor, building and environmental regulations, which some claim does not bode well for the Nashville project; however, local politicians have hinted that they’re willing to look the other way if such issues arise and possibly adopt, as part of a new piece of legislation, Las Vegas’s “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” official ordinance.

The idea for including bachelorette party buses in the Music City Loop was proposed by Tesla’s generative A.I. assistant Grok, in “unhinged” mode, which also suggested calling it the “Music City Tunnel of Fuck” with giant flaming dildos to provide lighting and the sound of grindcore band Pig Destroyer being pumped through loudspeakers at deafening levels.

Mayor Kelly’s proposed $1.99 property tax rate inspired by Sonic’s $1.99 value menu

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Chattanooga Mayor Tim Kelly with Southwest Crunch Queso Wrap

Chattanooga Mayor Tim Kelly revealed that his proposed $1.99 property tax rate (for every $100 of assessed property value) – which is lower than the current $2.25 rate, but higher than the $1.55 certified rate in effect every 4 years when properties are reassessed – was inspired by Sonic’s $1.99 value menu.

“I was sitting in my Subaru Outback, pondering the city’s budget, and I was crunching the numbers in my head,” said Kelly. “I was also crunching on a Southwest Crunch Queso Wrap, from Sonic’s $1.99 Value Menu, and it hit me. Let’s make the certified property tax rate $1.99.”

Analysts pointed out that Kelly has had fast food prices on his mind lately, even referencing McDonald’s at the July 29 City Council meeting when saying that his proposal would cost the average household “…another $1.23 per day. It’s a Happy Meal a week.“

Council members have recommended rates both higher and lower than Kelly’s proposal, with Dennis Clark suggesting readopting the 2021 rate of $2.25 (the price of a Cheesy Toasted Breakfast Bacon Burrito at Taco Bell), and Jenny Hill proposing a $1.86 rate (the price of a Spicy Chicken Go Wrap at Wendy’s).

Local cannabis enthusiasts had suggested a rate of $4.20, while fans of the band 311 had proposed a $3.11 rate.

Council members could only agree upon two things: that the pay for firefighters and police officers needs to increase, to offset the price increase of donuts due to inflation, and that Krystal burgers were “goddamn delicious,” especially at 2 a.m.

The current starting salary for Chattanooga police officers is $48,000, which lags behind many other nearby jurisdictions.

“The starting salary for our first responders, equivalent to 7,396 Little Caesars Hot-and-Ready pizzas, is just not enough,” said Kelly.

Abstinence groups step up efforts after McKamey pauses spay and neuter operations

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After the McKamey Animal Center announced that it was pausing spay and neuter operations due to overcrowding, local abstinence advocacy groups announced that they would be stepping up their efforts to fill the void.

“It’s our time to shine, fellow warriors for Christ!” said local abstinence advocate Sheri Snydell. “We’ll teach these critters that it’s ok to wait until entering the sacred covenant of marriage before doing anything X-rated!”

Although the federal government spends up to $110 million per year on abstinence-only-until-marriage programs, critics have pointed out that they can be misleading and even harmful, denying access to lifesaving information about reproductive health.

“Sure, it might seem cute when cartoon dogs share a strand of spaghetti, then coyly turn away when their lips touch, but that’s just a step away from intense leg-humping and a gateway to hardcore, sinful sexual activity,” said Snydell. “A feline that lurks in urban passageways looking for lust is just like an alley cat on the prowl.”

Daniel Tiger unleashes profanity-filled tirade against Rep. Fleischmann after public TV, radio funding cuts

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After the Corporation for Public Broadcasting announced that it would be shutting down, due to Congress rescinding $1.1 billion for the CPB that was previously allocated, Daniel Tiger sent a critical, profanity-filled message to Rep. Chuck Fleischmann.

“Bitch, you better step the fuck off, you complicit little shit and spineless, kowtowing beta worm, wasting time writing pseudo-intellectual Objectivist masturbation fantasy remainder-bin novels and giving tax cuts to billionaires and adding massive national debt for future generations instead of trying to help educate and nurture our children and making our country safer and better informed,” said Tiger in an open letter to Fleischmann.

A recent Harris Poll survey revealed that a wide majority of Americans supports federal funding for public radio, with 77% of Republicans agreeing with the statement “I rely on public radio emergency alerts and news for my public safety.”

“My main man Mr. Rogers sends you a double fuck-you salute from heaven,” said Tiger. “Motherchucker.”

Rep. Fleischmann demands Chatt. Red Wolves change team name to Redskins

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In an attempt to appease President Trump, Rep. Chuck Fleischmann has demanded that the soccer club Chattanooga Red Wolves change its name to Chattanooga Redskins, after Trump threatened to block a stadium deal if the Washington Commanders didn’t go back to its previous name, Washington Redskins.

“I’d literally kiss Trump’s ass if I had the chance, but for now, this will have to do,” said Fleischmann, a Trump partisan who voted in favor of the Trump-supported “One Big Beautiful Bill Act” which will increase the U.S. deficit by around $3.3 trillion.

Sports teams with Native American names, such as the Cleveland Indians (currently named The Guardians), the Atlanta Braves, and the Chicago Blackhawks, have been a topic of debate for decades, with opponents citing insensitivity and racism.

In a similar but opposite fashion, Fleischmann demanded that local Cracker Barrel restaurants change their name to “Whiteskin Barrel,” saying that the word “cracker” is insensitive towards white people.

Rep. Chuck Fleischmann’s new book just the words “Fuck You” repeated 50,000 times

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Excerpt from the book "Fuck You" by Rep. Chuck Fleischmann

After releasing his first fictional novel, “Once Upon an Empire,” earlier this year, which has earned a “1.8 star” rating (out of 5 stars) on Goodreads, Rep. Chuck Fleischmann has released his first foray into non-fiction, “Fuck You,” which consists solely of the words “Fuck You” repeated 50,000 times.

“I’m very proud of my new book,” said Fleischmann. “It reflects exactly how I feel toward my constituents, after I voted in favor of the ‘One Big Beautiful Bill Act’ which will add 3.3 trillion dollars to the national debt, leave almost 12 million people uninsured, and give major tax cuts to my dearest friends, and when I say ‘dearest’ I mean ‘richest.'”

“It’s also important that I release my novels as soon as possible, while my constituents still largely know how to read,” said Fleischmann, perhaps hinting at his voting record with regards to education.

Currently, Fleischmann’s book “Fuck You” has earned a “1.9 star” rating on Goodreads.

Pizzeria Cortile clarifies stance: “We only cater pansexual orgies”

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After garnering both criticism and praise for refusing to cater a same-sex wedding, the Red Bank restaurant Pizzeria Cortile clarified its stance, saying “We only cater pansexual orgies.”

“We want to make it clear that we just don’t support any type of official monogamous bond, between any two humans,” said the restaurant’s statement. “Our pizza should only be enjoyed by people who engage in unbridled, all-night anonymous fuckfests, ideally wearing nothing but a masquerade mask and maybe a bib.”

“Imagine our hot white sauce and salty, gooey cheese dripping all over sinewy, musclebound studs and nubile nymphs, sucking on risotto balls and tossing caesar salads,” continued the statement, which went on for six more pages with increasingly explicit content.

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