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Zach Wamp adopts 33 children to run in all local elections

Published on December 30, 2021
Politics
Zach Wamp

At a press conference today, former U.S. Representative Zach Wamp announced that he had recently adopted 33 children who would run in all Hamilton County elections happening in 2022.

These adopted children would be joining Wamp’s two other children, Weston and Coty, who are primary election candidates for County Mayor and District Attorney, respectively.

“Would you just look at these bundles of joy?” said Zach Wamp, as he motioned toward the crowd of adopted children, aged 18 and older to meet candidacy age requirements. “Everybody might not know that it’s perfectly legal to adopt adults, and wouldn’t you, after seeing these precious little dumplings?”

Wamp’s adopted children were mostly lawyers, real estate brokers and developers, many in advanced middle age or older.

“I just want to say that if my new children want to play little league or take ballet lessons, I fully support them, as long as it doesn’t interfere with them running for elected office,” said Wamp, while ruffling the gray hair of 70-year-old estate lawyer, Harlan Wamp.

“Now, some may accuse me of empire-building,” said Wamp. “That is simply not the case. I prefer the word ‘dynasty.’ ‘Royalty’ works, too.”

Wamp has approached Matt Hullander and Sabrena Smedley, who are also primary candidates for County Mayor, asking them if they want to be adopted by him; Hullander’s father, Bill Hullander, who is the incumbent primary candidate for County Trustee, has offered Matt a Disney World vacation as a counteroffer.

“WAMP! There it is! WAMP! There it is!” chanted Wamp, while leading his children in making the “raise the roof” motion with his hands.

“Daddy, can we get ice cream now?” asked Harlan Wamp while gently tugging on his father’s arm, melting the hearts of people in the audience.

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Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene owns stock in vaccines, Jewish space lasers

Published on December 28, 2021
Health/Politics
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene

After it was reported that U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene owned stock in three COVID-19 vaccine makers earlier this month, despite being critical of vaccines and vaccine mandates, further disclosures have revealed that Greene also owns stock in Jewish space lasers.

Scrutiny of Greene’s financial disclosures shows ownership of stock in the Goldfarbstein conglomerate, which makes diverse products including matzo, chocolate coins, dreidels, and high-powered space lasers.

Some have speculated that these Goldfarbstein space lasers could have terrifying capabilities, such as starting wildfires, vaporizing gentiles, or making a laser light show extravaganza based on the music of Neil Diamond.

“Representative Greene’s hypocrisy is disturbing, especially knowing that these Jewish space lasers can cause such mass destruction,” said north Georgia resident Finn Showalter. “It’s frightening to think that after a laser attack, your anguished cries would be said to no one there. And no one heard at all.”

“Not even the chair,” said Showalter. “Oy vey.”

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Brian Joyce pins nightclub issues on Donald Trump presidency

Published on November 9, 2021
Food/Drink/Politics

Fans of public intoxication had to take the weekend off from their favorite watering hole/nightclub due to a plethora of beer board violations against the now infamous Blue Light club on Station Street. Owner and local radio personality Brian Joyce says the blame can only be placed on one factor, and that is somehow the presidency of Donald J Trump. 

“What you’re looking at here is the past presidency of Donald Trump aka Drumpf causing Blue Light staff and myself to drink on the job and then sell drinks in the street,” explained Joyce, while thumbing thru some “Occupy Democrats” tweets for material. “We are still coping with this orange dictator making our lives miserable again when he said he would be making America great again!”  

Sources said Blue Light employees were preparing for a full “January 6th” style insurrection of the venue by beer board members because “that’s what the Cheeto-in-chief” would want. 

Note: Chattanooga Bystander is anti-trump

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Invisible Buffalo Wild Wings gang armed with BB guns announces run for Hamilton County Mayor against Weston Wamp

Published on November 8, 2021
Politics

Just weeks after Zach Wamp’s won Weston Wamp annouced he will be running for Hamilton County Mayor due to the retirement of current Mayor Jim Coppinger, an invisible gang of troublemakers armed with BB guns have annouced they have thrown their invisible beanie caps in the race as well.

“We intend to show that law enforcement seems to be doing alright around here,” explained the Invisible gang, standing in front of a non-existant Red Toyota Corolla.

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Startup Week event on fundraising to meet on top of TVFCU with a plasma cutter and rope at 3AM

Published on October 20, 2021
Business

During this year’s CHA Startup Week, attendees of a class on “how to raise capital for your Startup” were instructed to meet at 3:00 AM on the top of the Tennessee Valley Federal Credit Union building with a steel piercing plasma cutter and repelling rope with further instructions to be given using a burner cellular telephone.

Attendees of the event were seen earlier in the day chugging local organically sourced coffee while trying on an assortment of handcrafted ski masks before attending a rave or something just hours before the 3AM start time.

“The best mantra I use to get other founders pumped is to imagine the thrill of seeing your recently acquired money fly out of duffle bags, big movie style, while you speed away in a late-night getaway car, like a metaphor for how much money your startup will burn before it ends in a fiery crash,” explained BNKRBR CEO/Co-founder/President/Vice President Terry Moore. “The hustle is real.”

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Dying Covid patients asking for vaccine and refund on Riverbend tokens

Published on August 19, 2021
Health/Riverbend

As hospital ICUs reach max capacity, mostly with unvaccinated Covid-19 patients, many doctors and nurses are reporting patients are asking if they can get the vaccine and a refund on previously purchased Riverbend tokens that were never spent due to a two year cancellation of the festival, only to be told it’s too late.

Sources are saying local hospitals such as Erlanger and Memorial have seen an uptick in patients complaining of extreme breathing issues, and carrying a large dusty sack of unused Riverbend tokens is not helping.

“My 58 year old unvaccinated Uncle Karl only wanted a single Miller light in 2018, but was forced to purchase 10 dollars worth of non-refundable Riverbend tokens, now he’s gasping for air with a tube down his throat after hours of watching Tucker Carlson only to be told it’s too late for a vaccination or any sort of Token refund,” explained one local resident, while grasping onto a shoebox full of Riverbend tokens.

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Dunlap “Unvax 4 old Penthouse Magazines” sweepstakes beginning soon

Published on August 5, 2021
Health/Politics

After Chattanooga Mayor Tim Kelly announced sweepstakes giving vaccinated individuals a chance to win $1000, a representative from Chattanooga area city Dunlap, TN announced their own sweepstakes giving unvaccinated individuals a chance to win roughly $1000 worth of dirty old Penthouse magazines found under a local trailer.

Experts believe the giveaway might be a waste of perfectly good old Penthouse magazines as Sequatchie County has one of the lowest vaccination rates in the state of Tennessee.

“Hell yeah if I can get my hand on these filthy titty magazines just by not taking no Bill Gates Fauci tracking device, you can sign me up, or not sign up, or whatever gets me them things,” explained Dunlap resident, Dusty Shitkicker.

Sources say the small percentage of residents in the area who happened to get the vaccine were seen trying to “siphon the Fauci curse out of my asshole with an old garden hose” just for a chance to snag the magazine collection prize.

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City of Chattanooga sending a guy to just set your recycling on fire after truck driver shortage

Published on July 29, 2021
Politics

After the City of Chattanooga announced it will be halting curbside recycling pickup due to a shortage of truck drivers, a representative from the same department announced plans that it’ll send someone out to set your recycling on fire until positions can be filled.

Sources say city residents can still leave their recycling curbside until a guy named Carl or Steve drops by with a Bic lighter to set your recycling ablaze.

“We’re still checking on the logic behind this, but it’s the best we can do until we put some warm bodies in trash trucks,” explained City of Chattanooga director of recycling, Julia Joderson.

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Representative Scott DesJarlais proposes a new holiday for hypocritical abortions after voting against the Juneteenth bill

Published on June 19, 2021
Uncategorized

Just moments after voting against making Juneteenth a national holiday, the Republican representative from Tennessee’s 4th District, Scott DesJarlais, proposed a holiday celebrating secret abortions you forced your mistresses to get after proclaiming to be pro-life in public.

“You think slavery was rough? Try secretly wiring 2 or 3 mistresses money to pay for an abortion, wowzers!” exclaimed DesJarlais, while wiping his bald noggin with pages from the bible.

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Kim White repaying top campaign donors by guarding Lookout Mountain Elementary School crosswalk

Published on April 21, 2021
Uncategorized

After her loss in the mayoral race to businessman Tim Kelly, Kim White announced she will be repaying her top donors back in the form of guarding their local crosswalk at Lookout Mountain Elementary School.

A reporter with the Chattanooga Bystander caught up with Mrs. White as she was directing traffic at the school this morning.

“I am making good with my wonderful donors by (interrupted by a car going 25 miles per hour) SIR THIS IS A SCHOOL ZONE, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!”, explained White, while chasing down a 2021 Black Land Cruiser. 

Experts believe Mayor Kelly narrowly escaped the same fate, but on an opposite mountain.

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  • Brian Joyce pins nightclub issues on Donald Trump presidency
  • Invisible Buffalo Wild Wings gang armed with BB guns announces run for Hamilton County Mayor against Weston Wamp
  • Startup Week event on fundraising to meet on top of TVFCU with a plasma cutter and rope at 3AM

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