Brian Joyce pins nightclub issues on Donald Trump presidency

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Fans of public intoxication had to take the weekend off from their favorite watering hole/nightclub due to a plethora of beer board violations against the now infamous Blue Light club on Station Street. Owner and local radio personality Brian Joyce says the blame can only be placed on one factor, and that is somehow the presidency of Donald J Trump. 

“What you’re looking at here is the past presidency of Donald Trump aka Drumpf causing Blue Light staff and myself to drink on the job and then sell drinks in the street,” explained Joyce, while thumbing thru some “Occupy Democrats” tweets for material. “We are still coping with this orange dictator making our lives miserable again when he said he would be making America great again!”  

Sources said Blue Light employees were preparing for a full “January 6th” style insurrection of the venue by beer board members because “that’s what the Cheeto-in-chief” would want. 

Note: Chattanooga Bystander is anti-trump

Invisible Buffalo Wild Wings gang armed with BB guns announces run for Hamilton County Mayor against Weston Wamp

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Just weeks after Zach Wamp’s won Weston Wamp annouced he will be running for Hamilton County Mayor due to the retirement of current Mayor Jim Coppinger, an invisible gang of troublemakers armed with BB guns have annouced they have thrown their invisible beanie caps in the race as well.

“We intend to show that law enforcement seems to be doing alright around here,” explained the Invisible gang, standing in front of a non-existant Red Toyota Corolla.

Startup Week event on fundraising to meet on top of TVFCU with a plasma cutter and rope at 3AM

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During this year’s CHA Startup Week, attendees of a class on “how to raise capital for your Startup” were instructed to meet at 3:00 AM on the top of the Tennessee Valley Federal Credit Union building with a steel piercing plasma cutter and repelling rope with further instructions to be given using a burner cellular telephone.

Attendees of the event were seen earlier in the day chugging local organically sourced coffee while trying on an assortment of handcrafted ski masks before attending a rave or something just hours before the 3AM start time.

“The best mantra I use to get other founders pumped is to imagine the thrill of seeing your recently acquired money fly out of duffle bags, big movie style, while you speed away in a late-night getaway car, like a metaphor for how much money your startup will burn before it ends in a fiery crash,” explained BNKRBR CEO/Co-founder/President/Vice President Terry Moore. “The hustle is real.”

Dying Covid patients asking for vaccine and refund on Riverbend tokens

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As hospital ICUs reach max capacity, mostly with unvaccinated Covid-19 patients, many doctors and nurses are reporting patients are asking if they can get the vaccine and a refund on previously purchased Riverbend tokens that were never spent due to a two year cancellation of the festival, only to be told it’s too late.

Sources are saying local hospitals such as Erlanger and Memorial have seen an uptick in patients complaining of extreme breathing issues, and carrying a large dusty sack of unused Riverbend tokens is not helping.

“My 58 year old unvaccinated Uncle Karl only wanted a single Miller light in 2018, but was forced to purchase 10 dollars worth of non-refundable Riverbend tokens, now he’s gasping for air with a tube down his throat after hours of watching Tucker Carlson only to be told it’s too late for a vaccination or any sort of Token refund,” explained one local resident, while grasping onto a shoebox full of Riverbend tokens.

Dunlap “Unvax 4 old Penthouse Magazines” sweepstakes beginning soon

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After Chattanooga Mayor Tim Kelly announced sweepstakes giving vaccinated individuals a chance to win $1000, a representative from Chattanooga area city Dunlap, TN announced their own sweepstakes giving unvaccinated individuals a chance to win roughly $1000 worth of dirty old Penthouse magazines found under a local trailer.

Experts believe the giveaway might be a waste of perfectly good old Penthouse magazines as Sequatchie County has one of the lowest vaccination rates in the state of Tennessee.

“Hell yeah if I can get my hand on these filthy titty magazines just by not taking no Bill Gates Fauci tracking device, you can sign me up, or not sign up, or whatever gets me them things,” explained Dunlap resident, Dusty Shitkicker.

Sources say the small percentage of residents in the area who happened to get the vaccine were seen trying to “siphon the Fauci curse out of my asshole with an old garden hose” just for a chance to snag the magazine collection prize.

City of Chattanooga sending a guy to just set your recycling on fire after truck driver shortage

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After the City of Chattanooga announced it will be halting curbside recycling pickup due to a shortage of truck drivers, a representative from the same department announced plans that it’ll send someone out to set your recycling on fire until positions can be filled.

Sources say city residents can still leave their recycling curbside until a guy named Carl or Steve drops by with a Bic lighter to set your recycling ablaze.

“We’re still checking on the logic behind this, but it’s the best we can do until we put some warm bodies in trash trucks,” explained City of Chattanooga director of recycling, Julia Joderson.

Representative Scott DesJarlais proposes a new holiday for hypocritical abortions after voting against the Juneteenth bill

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Just moments after voting against making Juneteenth a national holiday, the Republican representative from Tennessee’s 4th District, Scott DesJarlais, proposed a holiday celebrating secret abortions you forced your mistresses to get after proclaiming to be pro-life in public.

“You think slavery was rough? Try secretly wiring 2 or 3 mistresses money to pay for an abortion, wowzers!” exclaimed DesJarlais, while wiping his bald noggin with pages from the bible.

Kim White repaying top campaign donors by guarding Lookout Mountain Elementary School crosswalk

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After her loss in the mayoral race to businessman Tim Kelly, Kim White announced she will be repaying her top donors back in the form of guarding their local crosswalk at Lookout Mountain Elementary School.

A reporter with the Chattanooga Bystander caught up with Mrs. White as she was directing traffic at the school this morning.

“I am making good with my wonderful donors by (interrupted by a car going 25 miles per hour) SIR THIS IS A SCHOOL ZONE, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!”, explained White, while chasing down a 2021 Black Land Cruiser. 

Experts believe Mayor Kelly narrowly escaped the same fate, but on an opposite mountain.

Armed right-wing militia members take post outside Mr. Burrito Grill in case threat of “Mr.” removal arises

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After news that Hasbro might be removing the “Mr.” from its classic Mr. Potato Head toy, a group of conservative-leaning militia members has assembled outside of the popular eatery “Mr. Burrito Grill” in an effort to provide what they call ” freedom protection”. Experts believe the group is doing anything they can to protect what they are calling “the sanctity of men” and nothing would be more harmful to their wellbeing than seeing the word “Mr.” removed from a building.

“He’s a MISTER burrito grill for a reason,” explained one militia member Brandon Houseman. “You take away his manhood then it’s just a burrito grill, I can buy them things at Big Lots”.

Sources say the group did not keep post long as temperatures rose above 70 degrees in the afternoon and also discovered does not provide a discount for being fake military.

Chattanooga Bystander endorses Mayor Andy Berke for Mayor and a third term

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The Chattanooga Bystander is proud to endorse current City of Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke for the upcoming 2021 City of Chattanooga Mayorship election. While this isn’t legally possible, we will lay out a few reasons why we think it should happen anyway.

Saving the taxpayers’ money: he’s been in office for a while now. We’re sure he’s accumulated quite a few knickknacks around the office so it would take many moving trucks to get everything out. It will cost quite a bit to change all the names painted, printed, or embossed on various things in the city, and that shit ain’t cheap

2020 really didn’t count: Zoom is bullshit and not real life.

There is like 300 people running: We all know there is going to be runoffs, and we can’t deal with these signs anymore. Just give him the damn thing

We all know Andy has had his ups and downs, but who hasn’t? He’s managed to get our town voted best down ever by people who have never been anywhere else, plus the internet is good. So when you head to the poll, be sure to write in Andy 2021. If you already voted, just show back up and see if you can change your vote. Not sure if that’s legal but worth a shot.

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