January 2016

Chattacon presents seminar on writing Cleveland Police slash fiction

Former Cleveland Police Chief Wes Snyder (l) / Spock (r)
Former Cleveland Police Chief Wes Snyder (l) / Spock (r)

The local genre fiction convention Chattacon, happening this weekend at the Chattanooga Choo Choo, will present a special seminar about the hot new writing trend: slash fiction involving the Cleveland Police Department, which has been criticized for several sex scandals in the last few years.

The seminar at Chattacon, which brings together fans of science fiction, fantasy and horror, is centered on “slash fiction,” which is unsanctioned fan-written fiction that presents romantic situations between members of the same sex, which originated in the late ’70s with “Kirk/Spock” stories in the Star Trek world.

“There’s no doubt about it. The Cleveland Police Department has had its share of horny bastards,” said Blake Brasson, a writer and co-presenter of the seminar, entitled “Pop Pop with the Po Po: Cleveland Police Slash Fiction.”

“Whether it’s Battlestar Galactica or steampunk or Harry Potter that floats your boat, we’ll give you some tips on injecting your favorite musclebound, defrocked Cleveland Police officers into your favorite fictional universe,” said Brasson.

“When news broke in 2013 that Police Chief Wes Snyder was carrying on an affair with his mistress in a storage unit lovenest, it captured our imaginations and made our hearts race,” said Brasson. “Now, here’s an idea: imagine Snyder having a passionate love affair with Chewbacca in an airlock on the Millennium Falcon, unbeknownst to Han Solo, who secretly has an intense crush on Snyder. Wouldn’t that be an interesting love triangle?”

East Ridge bucket list has one item: “Leave East Ridge”

East Ridge, TN
East Ridge, TN
After a local blogger’s “Chattanooga Bucket List” received attention recently for spotlighting “must see/do” things, including “Brunch downtown” and “Track 29,” local residents put together a bucket list for East Ridge that ended up having just one item: “Leave East Ridge.”

“A bucket list is a list of things to do or see before you die, or ‘kick the bucket,'” said resident Conrad Rynann. “To the people of East Ridge: for heaven’s sake, leave this place before you die here.”

“Some people live their whole lives here and die within a mile from where they were born. Some are content to never travel outside the U.S., or even the region,” said Rynann. “Christ on a crutch, just get out there and see the world. It’s not all just strip malls and fast food places and people cooking meth and cheap hotels.”

Harrison Keely leaving Chattanooga to become Las Vegas Showgirl


It’s a sad day for Chattanooga and quite possibly the country as Times Free Press internet spokesmen Harrison Keely has announced he is leaving the publication and city to become a Las Vegas morning Showgirl that you need to know for today.

Keely, who became synonymous of being the first damn thing you see when logging onto Facebook in the morning and believing Las Vegas is a west coast city, made headlines in recent years by being voted the sexiest Chattanoogan on the internet, sole TFP survivor after a massive house clearing, a victim of leaked topless photos, and a failed attempt as a new Subway spokesmen. Other things have happened as well (do a search).

As a new Las Vegas showgirl, Keely plans to incorporate his charming voice, personality, and soul patch into his act. The former Lee College graduate with a major in fancy singing/dancing, has always believed the life for him was on the Vegas strip.

“Ever since my Lee roommates and I downed about 2 to 3 Mountain Dews, stayed up past 8:30, and caught a showing of “Showgirls” on TNT, I knew Showgirl life was the life for me.” explained Keely.

A replacement for the Times Free Press morning anchor has not been announced at this time. Possible candidates include Basil Marceaux dot com and Stratton Tingle’s dreadlocks. 

On behalf of the Chattanooga Bystander, we wish Harrison Keely good luck and thanks for taking all our shit.

New cocktail bar offers artisanal ice from skating rink

The new cocktail bar Slurp, located on Chattanooga’s Southside, is taking local craft cocktails to the next level by offering artisanal ice that was formerly used in the temporary skating rink Ice on the Landing, which closed for the season earlier this week.

“Using quality ice is absolutely essential for making an incredible cocktail,” said Slurp’s head bartender Jesse Patavia. “So, why settle for ordinary, bland ice in your $16 cocktail? Our ice isn’t some purified, goody-two-shoes ice. Our ice has character.”

“You can taste the subtle, exquisite flavors that can only come from the debris from literally hundreds of pairs of ice skates,” said Patavia.

Each ice cube in a Slurp cocktail is hand-cut by an ice chef in the walk-in freezer of the restaurant, named “The Pompous Ice Hole,” and Patavia said that Slurp offers “sustainable drinking,” since they use re-purposed ice that would have otherwise just gone to waste.

“It might sound odd to use skating rink ice, but after one drink, you’ll be a believer,” said Patavia. “You can join us and be a brave culinary explorer, just like the first people who tried kopi luwak coffee, made from coffee beans that have passed through an Indonesian civet’s digestive system.”

Mayor Berke advises citizens to put bread and milk on tires


After a wave of icy rain and sleet wreaked havoc over the Tennessee valley this morning causing wrecks and collisions on many road ways, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke issued a statement advising residents to coat the tires of their vehicles in bread and milk.

“While stores around the area have been selling bread and milk like milky bread hot cakes, I see no reason why these items can’t be applied to the tires of vehicles,” explained Berke. “Bread and milk will help gain traction to tires on icy roads while people check their phones for the latest in school and business closings while driving.”

Soddy-Daisy Militia seize Coolidge Park Restrooms

In an effort to protest the somewhat recent removal of the Delta Queen boat and hotel, an anti-government group from Soddy-Daisy has occupied the restrooms in Chattanooga’s Coolidge Park. The movement comes some days after a militia group took control of an Oregon National Wildlife refuge.

militiaThe militia from Soddy-Daisy has been known to follow the teachings of local resident Basil Marceaux, as well as post repetitive memes on local news organization’s Facebook pages.

“We demand the government big wigs return the Delta Queen to it’s rightful place on the shores of Coolidge Park”, exclaimed Militia leader Alvin Bondy. “We’ve got the poopin’ removal part covered, but we are asking for supporters to bring us some more TP and snacks from Clumpies.”