October 2014

No beheadings in 2014 so far, say Chattanooga Police

Crime scene (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7hcnvi)
Crime scene (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7hcnvi)

The Chattanooga Police department issued its quarterly report yesterday, following a violent week with multiple shootings, which presented statistics that reflected some good news, such as the fact that there have been no reports of beheadings in Chattanooga so far this year.

“We are happy to say that there have been no homicidal decapitations in our fair city in 2014,” said Franklin Volmar, a representative for the Chattanooga Police department.

In August and September, the world was shocked by graphic propaganda videos created by the Middle-Eastern terrorist organization ISIL, also known as ISIS, that showed the beheading of journalists James Foley and Steven Sotloff and the British aid worker David Cawthorne Haines.

On Tuesday, a Long Island professor was beheaded by her mentally troubled son, who left her body and severed head on a neighborhood street, leading some neighbors to believe it was a Halloween prank.

“I’m also proud to say that there has been no genocide in Chattanooga this year,” said Volmar. “We are also maintaining our spotless record of having a 0% rate of regicide, which is the murder of a king or a queen. Also, we are pleased that there have been no homicides in Chattanooga using the method of training an eagle to pick up a tortoise and drop it on the victim.”

Warehouse Row opening earlier to accommodate influx of elderly hipster mall walkers

Due to the opening of popular hipster clothing stores Anthropology and J Crew, officials from Warehouse Row announced the mall will begin opening at 5 am to accommodate the influx of elderly mall walkers, who will no doubt be of the hipster persuasion.

hipsterwarehouserow“While we welcome our new early risers,” said Warehouse Row spokesmen Shirley Thompson, “no plans are in place to open a Hardees or Golden Corral.”

Officials believe new kiosks of gluten free Branch’s candy will attract new elderly hipster mall walkers, who will hang around and reminisce about Bob Hope, before he was popular.

Craigslist Frisbee Guy tapped to fight recent crime wave in Chattanooga

After two solid weeks of violence and murder in the Tennessee Valley, Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher announced plans to hire frisbeenew internet sensation and Craigslist Frisbee advocate HecKtor Dangus (not his real name) to stop future outbreaks.

“We believe Mr Dangus (not his real name) can try this shit in deterring future outbreaks in crime within our city, exclaimed Chief Fletcher. “At least we know he will not try to jack off or fuck anyone in the process.”


TN Amendment 1.5 could prevent men from removing bowling balls from rectum for 9-month period

Bowling ball (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7zBSmp)
Bowling ball (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7zBSmp)

This election cycle, Tennessee voters will vote on Amendment 1.5 to the state Constitution, which could prevent men from removing bowling balls that have been lodged in their rectums for a 9-month period.

The proposed amendment would read:

“Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right for a man to remove a bowling ball from his rectum before a 9-month period has elapsed or requires the funding of such removal. The people retain the right through their elected state representatives and state senators to enact, amend, or repeal statutes regarding bowling-ball-from-rectum removal, including, but not limited to, circumstances resulting from voluntary or involuntary activities, such as severe bouncy bowling mishaps or fraternity hazing rituals.”

Public opinion has varied wildly on Amendment 1.5, sparking fiery debates and significant campaigning on both sides of the issue.

“If a man didn’t want a bowling ball in his rectum, well, he should have kept his legs shut,” said Chattanooga resident Eulas Kampfield. “I’m voting ‘Yes’ on Amendment 1.5.”

“No matter how careful you are when you’re bowling, statistically, some men are going to end up with bowling balls up their rectums,” said resident Jonas Clyftul. “And, you can’t expect bowling abstinence programs to work. It’s just human nature to want to bowl.”

“I am 18 years old and just starting college,” said UTC student Devon Tillsenn. “I am just not ready to have a bowling ball in my rectum for nine months. Maybe some day, but not now. I don’t think the government should have their hands in my rectum.”

Other constituents were confused about Amendment 1.5 and its implications.

“Amendment 1.5? I don’t know. Does this have to do with that woman who was trying to raise $800 to pay for a roadside bomb to be put in her uterus?” said resident Pat Cullems.

Haunted house to recreate Chattanooga’s most disturbing events of 2014

Haunted House (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/58aGu)
Haunted House (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/58aGu)

A new haunted house located in Chattanooga, to be completed in time for Halloween, will feature rooms that recreate various disturbing events from the news that have happened in the region this year.

While locals have an assortment of haunted houses in the metropolitan Chattanooga area from which to choose, including Ruby Falls Haunted Cavern, The Haunted Barn, Blowing Screams Farm and The Haunted Hilltop Home, this new haunted house will stand apart by using terrifying true stories and real characters, rather than fictional spooks and monsters.

“This has been a troubling year for southeast Tennessee, with a multitude of horrible events, including drownings and murders, a kitten in Cleveland being set on fire, twin brothers in Hixson who decomposed undiscovered for years sitting in recliners, and the elderly runner who was sexually assaulted by a teen,” said spokesperson Kris Pernot.

“There’s also that men’s bathroom camera story, the officer who tried to be romantically involved with a rape victim, and Bret Michaels of Poison performing at the Oasis Restaurant and Sports Bar,” said Pernot. “These true stories are way more disturbing than any horror movie you’ll see.”