Education

Clippy makes surprise visit to Howard School

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The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day.

“It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing a graduation speech?”

“No? You want a sexy hologram to help you instead? I’m no Cortana, that’s for sure!” said Clippy, getting laughs from the audience. “But seriously, Cortana and I are good friends, and she helped me get over my divorce to Siri.”

In Clippy’s speech, he discussed his background, from being a human personal assistant who was killed in an office supply closet in a grisly, freak accident, that magically transferred his soul to a humble paper clip.

“Did you know that I helped Newt Gingrich write his resignation letter in 1998?” said Clippy, who recounted his swift rise to fame after being hired by Microsoft for its Office software. “Just last week, I held some papers together that belong to Cardi B.”

“Not many people know this, but I was the paper clip that MacGyver used to fashion a thermonuclear device out of a toaster oven, an alarm clock and 20 discarded smoke detectors,” said Clippy.

School closings blamed on children not vaccinated for cooties

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Hamilton County Schools were closed today due to illness, and an outbreak of cooties was to blame, despite the wide availability of a vaccine.

“It may look like innocent hand-holding, but let me tell you, boys and girls, spreading cooties is no laughing matter,” said school nurse Pat Grundersen. “And if you’re not vaccinated, don’t even think about sharing a milkshake, even while facing each other with two separate straws, like you’re in a dang Norman Rockwell painting.”

Experts point to the anti-vaccination movement and the misconception that vaccines cause autism, which has long been debunked, as the root cause of this local cooties epidemic.

This year, there has been a measles outbreak in Washington state, and according to the CDC, up to 56,000 flu-associated deaths can occur annually in the United States alone.

“You know all those Precious Moments angel figurines? You ever wonder why they’re in heaven?” said Grundersen. “Cooties.”

Public Library down to 30 books after watching “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”

After the staff of the Chattanooga Public Library watched the new Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” about decluttering, a decision was swiftly made to reduce the library’s collection down to a mere 30 books.

“You won’t believe how liberating this feels,” said library director Ashley Collfrab. “We held every single book in our hands to see if it sparked joy, and these 30 books that remain are ones that passed the test.”

Collfrab pointed to a single shelf that held the library’s entire book collection, which included selections such as “To the Lighthouse” by Virginia Woolf, “Everybody Poops” by Taro Gomi, the James Bond book “Octopussy” by Ian Fleming, only volume 9 of the Encyclopædia Britannica (“Extradition – Garrick”) and “Blubber” by Judy Blume.

Ironically, Marie Kondo’s own book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” did not make the cut and was removed in the purge.

“Thank you Marie Kondo, you magical neat-freak elf from Japan,” said Collfrab.

Trump rushes to Dalton High to disarm teacher

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Two days after President Donald Trump said that he would have run unarmed into the Florida high school where the Parkland mass shooting occurred, he stormed into Dalton High School to disarm a teacher who had shot a bullet out a window using only his bare hands.

White House staffers said that upon hearing the news about the teacher, Trump demanded that Air Force One fly him to Dalton, Ga. so he could deal with the situation singlehandedly.

On Air Force One, Trump’s wife Melania begged him not to go, saying, “Donnie, don’t be a hero.”

“It’s too late,” said Trump, right before he parachuted out of Air Force One, landing outside the window of the classroom where the Dalton High School teacher had barricaded himself.

According to school surveillance cameras, the 71-year-old Trump did a series of aerial cartwheels before jumping through the window, shattering the glass and ending with a perfectly executed dive roll.

Before the teacher realized what was happening, Trump grabbed a history textbook and threw it at his stomach, saying, “You’re history, Teach.”

Trump then used his Muay Thai kickboxing skills to deliver a fierce jump kick to the teacher’s face, followed by a spinning backfist punch.

“Class dismissed,” said Trump.

Bryan College President Stephen Livesay forcing faith and family night performers to sign statement of belief

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While acts were arriving for Riverbend’s annual Faith and Family night, Bryan College President Stephen Livesay was spotted forcing artists so sign a statement of belief, an act he was highly scrutinized for some years ago.

Sources say Livesay quickly approached headliner Crowder as he arrived at the festival grounds, who became so startled that his trucker hat flew into the river.

“The representatives of Christian music should be 100% committed to Christianity and 0% to Satan,” explained Livesay.”The only evolution here should be from the keyboard to the keytar.”

UTC buys Chattanooga Bystander for the fourth anniversary and immediately fires staff

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For the fourth anniversary of Chattanooga Bystander, the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga announced it has bought the publication to add to its collection of hard-hitting journalism it can tamper with. Little did they know, Bystander writers Dirk Savage and Francis Porkloin would soon be jobless.

Chattanooga Bystander, which was started on April 1st, 2013, has been the leading source of providing Chattanooga too much information that it didn’t know it craved.

“WUTC receives a majority of its funding from the likes of Rick Davis, Lake Winnepesaukah, local government officials, Harrison Keely, Paul Barys, sad Riverbend acts, and many others these two sleaze bags have shit talked over the last four years,” explained George Heddleston, senior associate vice chancellor of marketing and communication for UTC. “I was informed they didn’t even show their press badges when reporting at Las Margaritas a few months ago.”

Area prepares to clean up large amount of discarded “M” and “B” banners from Trust Fund Bowl week

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While players from Baylor and McCallie prepare for tonight’s big game, Chattanooga area residents are preparing to clean up the trash that will inevitably be left around the city from a solid week of “hyping”. The trash comes mostly in the form of huge banners that say “M” or “B”. Experts question why students from each school make an effort to distribute the banners around the city, as a majority of the Chattanooga area population do not give two flying shit about the game.

Both schools now have a tradition of creating of popular internet “hype videos” for the yearly football battle, otherwise known as the “Pat Robertson Trust Fund Bowl”. Sources say these videos only add to the annoyance of students driving around while hootin’ and hollerin’ with banners on the back of their vehicles.

“It’s like clockwork every year to have to clean up the mess after seeing some shaggy-haired kid wearing a jacket, tie, and cargo shorts hop out of a 75 thousand dollar car to hang a huge banner on an overpass,” explained concerned citizen Jeffrey Coopers. “These kids deserve spankings, but I’m sure their dads are hot shit lawyers.”

Tenn. defunds UT diversity office, establishes Office of Conformity

Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bhsxw
Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bhsxw

After the Tennessee General Assembly passed a bill to defund the University of Tennessee’s Office for Diversity and Inclusion, it announced that in its place, it would establish an “Office of Conformity.”

“One of the most important developments of industrial manufacturing is interchangeable parts, which made mass production possible,” said Adam Whitener, the new director of the Office of Conformity. “If we humans were to become more like interchangeable parts, then the world would become a lot more efficient, and efficiency is always a good thing, right?”

“You are not a special snowflake,” said Whitener. “That’s our slogan, actually.”

“We encourage conformity among students and citizens to make things easier, from speaking the same language to wearing the same clothes,” said Whitener. “People are overwhelmed with choices nowadays, anyway. Just look at the toothpaste aisle at a store. We don’t need 65 different types of toothpaste.”

“We are all Tennesseans. We are all Vols. Orange lives matter,” said Whitener.

The bill also affects the UT Pride Center, which may have to consider making some changes to its operation and also its name.

“Pride is one of the seven deadly sins,” said Whitener. “If we have a Pride Center, then what’s next, a Gluttony Center?”

Another result of the bill is that UTK’s event Sex Week, funded using student fees and private contributions, may have to change its name to “Matrimonial Intercourse in the Missionary Position Week.”

“Let’s just keep it simple: one ding-a-ling, one hoo-ha, and one position,” said Whitener.

Gun-carrying professors must provide “trigger warning” before shooting students

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Gun (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/34NpRX)
Gun (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/34NpRX)
A controversial new Tennessee law passed earlier this week, allowing educators to carry handguns at public state universities and colleges starting July 1, but an amendment yesterday to the legislation requires that they must provide “trigger warnings” before shooting students.

“Trigger warnings are typically provided before frank discussions of potentially traumatic subjects, such as abuse and rape,” said law expert Netta Gertson. “With this new law, it’s only fair that a professor provides a warning before discharging a firearm into a student, for whatever reason.”

Supporters of the law argue that it provides extra safety on campuses and allows people to defend themselves, while opponents – including students, faculty, administrators and police chiefs – disagree and say it would interfere with how active shooter situations are handled by the police.

This amendment came on the 46th anniversary of the shootings at Kent State, where four students were killed by guardsmen and nine others were wounded.

“This special type of trigger warning is essentially saying, ‘Something violent is going to happen real soon, in your face, sucka,'” said Gertson. “Maybe the student is always late for class, or doesn’t participate in class discussions enough.”

New Tenn. bill makes transgender students wear adult diapers

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After the “bathroom bill” passed in a Tennessee House panel that would require transgender students to use bathrooms that correspond with the gender on their birth certificates, new legislation was proposed that would make transgender students wear adult diapers instead of using bathroom facilities.

Civil rights and LGBT advocacy groups have opposed the bathroom bill, which has also raised concerns about the possibility of losing federal education funding, and the new “diaper bill” has proven to be even more controversial.

“We just want everyone to be comfortable,” said Rep. Pat Augusteen, the House sponsor of the diaper bill. “I believe that it would be hard to take a tinkle if RuPaul is standing next to you at a row of urinals.”

“Besides, think of the convenience and all the time those transgender students would save,” said Augusteen. “They could drop a load, right during a class, and just keep on taking notes like nothing happened.”

“This isn’t like having separate water fountains,” said Augusteen. “It’s like transgender people would each be getting their own personal, portable water fountain.”

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