Education

Abstinence groups step up efforts after McKamey pauses spay and neuter operations

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After the McKamey Animal Center announced that it was pausing spay and neuter operations due to overcrowding, local abstinence advocacy groups announced that they would be stepping up their efforts to fill the void.

“It’s our time to shine, fellow warriors for Christ!” said local abstinence advocate Sheri Snydell. “We’ll teach these critters that it’s ok to wait until entering the sacred covenant of marriage before doing anything X-rated!”

Although the federal government spends up to $110 million per year on abstinence-only-until-marriage programs, critics have pointed out that they can be misleading and even harmful, denying access to lifesaving information about reproductive health.

“Sure, it might seem cute when cartoon dogs share a strand of spaghetti, then coyly turn away when their lips touch, but that’s just a step away from intense leg-humping and a gateway to hardcore, sinful sexual activity,” said Snydell. “A feline that lurks in urban passageways looking for lust is just like an alley cat on the prowl.”

Daniel Tiger unleashes profanity-filled tirade against Rep. Fleischmann after public TV, radio funding cuts

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After the Corporation for Public Broadcasting announced that it would be shutting down, due to Congress rescinding $1.1 billion for the CPB that was previously allocated, Daniel Tiger sent a critical, profanity-filled message to Rep. Chuck Fleischmann.

“Bitch, you better step the fuck off, you complicit little shit and spineless, kowtowing beta worm, wasting time writing pseudo-intellectual Objectivist masturbation fantasy remainder-bin novels and giving tax cuts to billionaires and adding massive national debt for future generations instead of trying to help educate and nurture our children and making our country safer and better informed,” said Tiger in an open letter to Fleischmann.

A recent Harris Poll survey revealed that a wide majority of Americans supports federal funding for public radio, with 77% of Republicans agreeing with the statement “I rely on public radio emergency alerts and news for my public safety.”

“My main man Mr. Rogers sends you a double fuck-you salute from heaven,” said Tiger. “Motherchucker.”

Rep. Chuck Fleischmann’s new book just the words “Fuck You” repeated 50,000 times

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Excerpt from the book "Fuck You" by Rep. Chuck Fleischmann

After releasing his first fictional novel, “Once Upon an Empire,” earlier this year, which has earned a “1.8 star” rating (out of 5 stars) on Goodreads, Rep. Chuck Fleischmann has released his first foray into non-fiction, “Fuck You,” which consists solely of the words “Fuck You” repeated 50,000 times.

“I’m very proud of my new book,” said Fleischmann. “It reflects exactly how I feel toward my constituents, after I voted in favor of the ‘One Big Beautiful Bill Act’ which will add 3.3 trillion dollars to the national debt, leave almost 12 million people uninsured, and give major tax cuts to my dearest friends, and when I say ‘dearest’ I mean ‘richest.'”

“It’s also important that I release my novels as soon as possible, while my constituents still largely know how to read,” said Fleischmann, perhaps hinting at his voting record with regards to education.

Currently, Fleischmann’s book “Fuck You” has earned a “1.9 star” rating on Goodreads.

Chattanooga Bystander’s 2023 in Review

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District 52 Tenn. Rep. Justin Jones with megaphone

March: Lipstick-wearing Bugs Bunny arrested for defying TN drag show ban

Bugs Bunny in drag

April: Hero Kid Rock shoots aggressive Bud Light cans in self-defense

Kid Rock shooting cans of Bud Light

May: TN House Republicans introduce megaphone ban after Covenant Shooting

District 52 Tenn. Rep. Justin Jones with megaphone

June: Crypto influencer Gary Vee says “Shitty NFT scribbles are the future of finance” 
Grown man introduces childish hen-scratched cartoon characters with a straight face, such as Grifter Grizzly Bear, Ponzi Panda, Speculative Bubble Bumblebee, and Pump-N-Dump Penguin.

"VeeFriends" NFT and Gary Vaynerchuk (inset)

September:  Local school admins completely baffled by wave of teachers quitting their low-paying, soul-crushing, glorified-babysitting job

Teacher contemplating her life's mistakes including becoming a teacher

October: Rep. Fleischmann almost becomes new House Speaker and when we say “almost” we mean “not even close”

Text messages from Rep. Chuck Fleischmann to Donald Trump

I may have herpes, but at least I don’t have COVID-19 – by Twisty

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As we head into month whatever of the pandemic shit of COVID-19, I am proud to say I have been coronavirus free. “How is this so Twisty?” Well, as I don’t require a condom, I do require a mask.

You see, doctors have been tellin us to keep 6ft away from each other to keep the coronavirus at bay. If you’ve lived in Chattanooga in the last few years, you’ll know some private information about myself has been posted around the city. “Twisty got herpes” is one of gigcities most popular tags, along with “CARTA” and “trump69”. So with this type of reputation, it’s easy to social distance!

I do think Dr Fauci should look into distributing herpes instead of a vaccine since it appears to keep the covid away. Herpes is here now, while a vaccine is months or ever years away!

So next time you see “Twisty has…” spray painted under a bridge or on a trash can somewhere, you can rest assure it’s not COVID-19.

Rhonda Thurman ceremonially shaves opponent’s head after election win

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After being re-elected to represent District 1 on the Hamilton County school board, Rhonda Thurman ceremonially shaved the head of her opponent, Stephen Vickers, to mark the victory.

In a hidden chamber accessible from the school board meeting room through a secret passageway, Thurman first kneeled on the tiled floor wearing a large black robe and a tall and wide-brimmed hat that obscured her face.

With slow, methodical movements, she poured water from a silver pitcher into an ornamental silver bowl resembling a clam shell, moistening a washcloth before wiping the face of Vickers, who had disrobed and kneeled solemnly.

Thurman used scissors to cut away Vickers’ light brown hair before cleanly shaving his scalp with a set of antique manually operated hair clippers; she held his freshly bald head in the palm of her hand, thus signalling the end of the ritual that the Hamilton County school board has held every election season for centuries.

The owner of a beauty salon, Thurman was a center of controversy in April regarding comments about opening small businesses during the COVID-19 pandemic.

To further celebrate her victory, Thurman offered free “bowl cut” haircuts at her beauty salon.

“Moe Moe Moe! How do you like it, how do you like it?” sang Thurman, as she quickly snipped her scissors, making willing men and women resemble Moe Howard from the Three Stooges.

“B.Y.O.B. y’all!” said Thurman. “Bring your own bowl!”

Clippy makes surprise visit to Howard School

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The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day.

“It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing a graduation speech?”

“No? You want a sexy hologram to help you instead? I’m no Cortana, that’s for sure!” said Clippy, getting laughs from the audience. “But seriously, Cortana and I are good friends, and she helped me get over my divorce to Siri.”

In Clippy’s speech, he discussed his background, from being a human personal assistant who was killed in an office supply closet in a grisly, freak accident, that magically transferred his soul to a humble paper clip.

“Did you know that I helped Newt Gingrich write his resignation letter in 1998?” said Clippy, who recounted his swift rise to fame after being hired by Microsoft for its Office software. “Just last week, I held some papers together that belong to Cardi B.”

“Not many people know this, but I was the paper clip that MacGyver used to fashion a thermonuclear device out of a toaster oven, an alarm clock and 20 discarded smoke detectors,” said Clippy.

School closings blamed on children not vaccinated for cooties

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Hamilton County Schools were closed today due to illness, and an outbreak of cooties was to blame, despite the wide availability of a vaccine.

“It may look like innocent hand-holding, but let me tell you, boys and girls, spreading cooties is no laughing matter,” said school nurse Pat Grundersen. “And if you’re not vaccinated, don’t even think about sharing a milkshake, even while facing each other with two separate straws, like you’re in a dang Norman Rockwell painting.”

Experts point to the anti-vaccination movement and the misconception that vaccines cause autism, which has long been debunked, as the root cause of this local cooties epidemic.

This year, there has been a measles outbreak in Washington state, and according to the CDC, up to 56,000 flu-associated deaths can occur annually in the United States alone.

“You know all those Precious Moments angel figurines? You ever wonder why they’re in heaven?” said Grundersen. “Cooties.”

Public Library down to 30 books after watching “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”

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After the staff of the Chattanooga Public Library watched the new Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” about decluttering, a decision was swiftly made to reduce the library’s collection down to a mere 30 books.

“You won’t believe how liberating this feels,” said library director Ashley Collfrab. “We held every single book in our hands to see if it sparked joy, and these 30 books that remain are ones that passed the test.”

Collfrab pointed to a single shelf that held the library’s entire book collection, which included selections such as “To the Lighthouse” by Virginia Woolf, “Everybody Poops” by Taro Gomi, the James Bond book “Octopussy” by Ian Fleming, only volume 9 of the Encyclopædia Britannica (“Extradition – Garrick”) and “Blubber” by Judy Blume.

Ironically, Marie Kondo’s own book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” did not make the cut and was removed in the purge.

“Thank you Marie Kondo, you magical neat-freak elf from Japan,” said Collfrab.

Trump rushes to Dalton High to disarm teacher

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Two days after President Donald Trump said that he would have run unarmed into the Florida high school where the Parkland mass shooting occurred, he stormed into Dalton High School to disarm a teacher who had shot a bullet out a window using only his bare hands.

White House staffers said that upon hearing the news about the teacher, Trump demanded that Air Force One fly him to Dalton, Ga. so he could deal with the situation singlehandedly.

On Air Force One, Trump’s wife Melania begged him not to go, saying, “Donnie, don’t be a hero.”

“It’s too late,” said Trump, right before he parachuted out of Air Force One, landing outside the window of the classroom where the Dalton High School teacher had barricaded himself.

According to school surveillance cameras, the 71-year-old Trump did a series of aerial cartwheels before jumping through the window, shattering the glass and ending with a perfectly executed dive roll.

Before the teacher realized what was happening, Trump grabbed a history textbook and threw it at his stomach, saying, “You’re history, Teach.”

Trump then used his Muay Thai kickboxing skills to deliver a fierce jump kick to the teacher’s face, followed by a spinning backfist punch.

“Class dismissed,” said Trump.

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