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The Paul Barys Jazz Explosion Announces Debut Show at Riverbend

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Local weatherman and apparent Jazz enthusiast Paul Barys announced today that his Jazz group, “The Paul Barys Jazz Explosion” will make their debut at the upcoming 2013 Riverbend Festival.

The group, which features Barys on Piano, Fats Colman on the bass, Skeeter McDuffin on the Drums, and rival news station reporter Calvin Sneed on tambourine and woodblock, hope to make a name for themselves with their fresh licks and cool sounds.

17147033_BG2“Like forecasting the weather, Jazz was something that always came naturally to me,” explained Barys, while performing a four octave Piano run. “I hope my Jazz explosion will show Chattanoogans another side of myself and the beard.”

Although the band hasn’t officially booked a time, day, or stage for the festival, Barys hopes when the group shows up with their equipment and his celebrity status, finding a place to “let loose” will not be an issue.

“Our sound is somewhat like a torrential downpour, except the rain has been replaced with the sweet sounds of smooth and free flowing Jazz,” said Barys.

2013 Monster Truck Jam Event to be Held at Tivoli Theater.

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In an effort to recoup some of the losses attributed to the city owned venue, event coordinators have announced this years annual Chattanooga Monster Truck Jam will be held at the Historic Tivoli Theater.

The Monster Truck Jam, which is normally held at UTC’s McKenzie Arena, is one of Chattanooga’s top grossing events of the year. Officials hope the venue change will bring the profitability back to the ailing Tivoli Theater after a reported near million dollar loss in 2012.

“I plan on getting front row seats to this bad boy,” exclaimed Chattanooga Monster truck enthusiast Roy Cooper, after hearing the news of the venue change.” It’s about time they got something worthwhile to see in that fancy shithole.”

The event, which will be held on a TBD Sunday, will bring the awe-inspiring spectacle of Monster trucks, such as Bigfoot, Grave Digger, and Mother Puncher, to the near 100-year-old theater, normally reserved for classical music concerts and the Chattanooga Boys Choir singing Christmas Tree.

“We plan on most of the exciting action to be held on the Tivoli’s 19 by 17 foot stage, but we can’t promise that some trucks will not spill into the first few rows,” said Monster Jam spokesmen Ray Phillips. “We’re ironing out the details with the insurance company at this time.”

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“We hope that many more events like this will be relocated to the Tivoli,” said Tivoli spokeswoman Cheryl Chester. “We would love to accommodate Ringling Brothers Circus, Pro Wrestling, or the Harlem Globetrotters to our beautiful theater.”

Local NRA Chapter calls for the Arming of Bald Eagles

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After receiving news of a pair bald eagles being shot in the Tennessee Valley, local National Rifle Association members have called for the armament of our national bird.

The Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act, which protects the bald eagle against harm with a maximum of a $250,000 fine or 2 years jail time against the perpetrator, is not enough, according to local NRA chapter president Kelly Stevens.

NRA-logo“We believe that all of Gods creatures, whether human, dog, rattlesnake, woman, or bird, should not have their God given second amendment rights taken away from them,” said Stevens. “The bald eagle, an icon of our American freedoms, must have the chance to fight back against those who try to terminate it. It’s like taking justice into its own hands, or talons.”

Uncovered NRA plans show the bald eagle outfitted with two riffles. Critics pan the idea as an emotional and irrational reaction to an isolated incident.

“Uh, I’m not really sure how their plan it going to work out,” explained Chattanooga bald eagle expert Rick Harris. “I’d say the only plausible option would be to strap machine guns with laser sights to the eagle, which could be controlled by someone from below.”

“Machine guns with lasers that can be controlled from the ground? That sounds so American bad-assed!” Exclaimed Stevens.

Tennessee Agrees to Trade Tennessee River Access for Cast of Small Town Security.

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After months of deliberation and litigation, Georgia lawmakers have reached an agreement with Tennessee officials for access to parts of the Tennessee River, in exchange for the cast of the AMC reality series “Small Town Security”.

Earlier this year, Georgia lawmakers passed a resolution to claim back what they believe is rightfully the states, land with access to the Tennessee River that was taken away due to a miscalculated survey performed some 200 years ago.

Tennessee’s Governor Bill Haslam sparked the idea after catching last weeks Season two premiere. “Loved it”, exclaimed Governor Haslam, “The show makes for excellent television, and I wholeheartedly believe what Tennessee needs is a reality show based around a security company with a chick-dude to call its own.”

“We’ve actually got reality shows cotennesseeriverstsming out of our ass,” said Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss,” I mean, is it really going to hurt us to lose just one for a sweet ass taste of that Tennessee River water?”

In one condition of the deal made, filming of the show and series cast members must move from their current Northwest Georgia location to just north of the Tennessee and Georgia border. Experts believe the city of Red Bank is in top running for the relocation.

“Hell, I’d give up a tributary if the woman/man would just move across the state line,” laughed Haslam, “that alone will show Tennessee is moving towards a state of acceptance of all life, uh, choices.”

“I don’t believe the deals will stop here,” said Senator Chambliss, “we have drawn up proposals to trade season four of “The Walking Dead” for Memphis’ own Graceland.

Chattanooga Bigfoot arrested on charges of supplying alcohol to Signal Mountain Teenagers

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In what some may call the meshing of two recent headlines, Chattanooga’s own Bigfoot was arrested on charges of supplying alcohol to 18 Signal Mountain teenagers over the weekend.

Police responded to a disturbance call of a “large drunken hairy bastard” groaning and hiding behind a tree. Neighbors spotted the creature just as police were leaving from the noise complaint just an hour before.

“We believed it to be just another horseshit drunken redneck Bigfoot sighting,” said Signal Mountain Police Chief Boyd Veal, “but the call came from within two blocks of the private school brat slosh fest that officers had just shut down.

bigfootThe Bigfoot, who recently appeared in news reports about his four plus decades of sightings, is currently being held on accusations of contributing to the delinquency of minors.

“I was like, totally freaked out at first.” said 17 year old GPS student, escaped party goer, and Signal Mountain resident Gabby Westerman, “but then we knew he was super cool when he handed us all Bud Lights.”

No stranger to the charges brought against it, records from 1988 show the Chattanooga Bigfoot was accused of providing a group of teenagers some methamphetamine and LSD. Witnesses said the Bigfoot caused no bodily injury, as history would suggest, it only wanted to prove that it was “hip”.

 

 

 

 

photo taken from Wikipedia.com. Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license.

TFP’s Harrison Keely Voted Sexiest Chattanoogan on the Internet.

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Screen_shot_2011-02-26_at_12.35.33_AM_t300  In a poll taken by the Chattanooga Board of the web, Chattanooga Times Free Press social media manager Harrison Keely was voted sexiest Chattanoogan on the Internet.

Keely, who has been known in recent months for his weekly news updates via the Times Free Press webpage, won by a unanimous decision.

“It was pretty much a landslide,” said Chattanooga Board of the web spokesmen Peter Howell. “The guy is a natural panty dropper. When that goatee and those rosy cheeks hit your computer screen each morning, it’s   quite difficult to refrain from going into sexy convulsions.”

Keely joins the ever-growing prestigious list of sexiest Internet Chattanoogans, such as the correctional officer who botched the National Anthem and failed Congressional hopeful Weston Wamp.

“I like to think that he’s out all night romancing the ladies in a maroon or blue shirt, sports coat, and striped tie.” Said Chattanooga Board poll voter cougarlookouts69. “I can smell the sweat and sexy oozing off of him  from the previous night and into his webcam.”

Before this article, Mr Keely has not been notified of his victory. On behalf of the Chattanooga Bystander staff, Congratulations Harrison, you did it!

 

 photo taken from Chattanooga Times Free Press

Chattanooga Amazon Fulfillment Center Announces “Come and Get Your Shit” Option

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Due to popular public demand, the Chattanooga Amazon Fulfillment center has announced plans for a “come and get your shit” option.

During checkout of an Amazon.com order, a new option to “pick up my shit today” will become available, based on your proximity to the Chattanooga fulfillment center. After payment is finalized, customers must commute to the corner of Volkswagen and Bonny Oaks Drive.  From there, customers are able to retrieve their order from a large Amazon.com labeled container that will house thousands of other customer orders. Amazon Prime members are given the free option to have their order thrown into a separate container that is sheltered from the elements.

Critics pan the plan by saying the steps to retrieve ones order seems like a massive pain in the ass, but praise the idea for creating new jobs in the Chattanooga area, especially after the massive layoffs in other sectors.

“We’re very excited about the possibilities that will come from this new Amazon.com venture in the Chattanooga market,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “This will create hundreds of new jobs with the need for new people to haul and throw shit into a large container.”

“This is a great way for Amazon to offset some of the costs we endure from offering free shipping,” said Chattanooga Amazon fulfillment center supervisor Chuck Shills. “After millions of shipping labels are used, that shit adds up!  The need for pricy labels is negated as the customers name is written directly on the cardboard box with a black marker.”

“We believe this is a great option for customers who want the famous fast Amazon.com delivery times,” said Bezos, “but can’t stand to wait for their Mumford and Sons LP or oversized strap-on to arrive.”

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Photo courtesy of the Chattanooga Area Chamber of Commerce

Chattanooga Whiskey Makers decide to keep operations in Indiana

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After the historic passing of Bills of 102 and 129 in the Tennessee House and Senate respectively, Chattanooga Whiskey co-founders Joe Ledbetter and Tim Piersent announced they have decided to keep distillery operations in Indiana.

“It’s really due to a variety of reasons” Ledbetter said, “plus, can you imagine the pain in the ass moving a distillery would be?”

The bill passed the Tennessee House and Senate with wide margins, which currently awaits Governor Haslam’s signature.

Distilleries have been illegal in the Chattanooga area due to laws dating back the prohibition era. Many months of debating within Tennessee lawmakers proved to be an emotional rollercoaster for the Whiskey duo. “It was quite the ride! Too bad it really was for nothing,” Piersant laughed.

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Photo courtesy of Chattanooga Times Free Press

“Ever since we started this Chattanooga thing, we decided to grow out some facial hair,” Ledbetter grumbled, “it is going to feel great to finally be able to rid our faces of this shit.”

With Chattanooga recently overthrowing Austin, TX as the number one hipster city in the states, Ledbetter saw this as a deterrent. “We all know that hipsters tend to gravitate to the High Lifes and the PBRs. Our high quality product just couldn’t compete with the lower price, and lower taste option,” Ledbetter cried.

When asked about the 30,000 square-foot building the pair were planning to occupy, Piersant replied, “Fuck it! Let it develop into some more expensive apartments or a Red Lobster.”

Local Entrepreneur Rick Davis to open Megachurch

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Local Gold and Diamond purchaser, television host, and recent used car entrepreneur Rick Davis is planning to open a megachurch, according to a representative of his. From documents uncovered by Chattanooga Bystander, Davis’ “Davisplex” includes a 4,500-seat sanctuary, 35 classrooms, 20 bathrooms with gold fixtures, and a refinery.  Davis hopes the facilities will surpass the impressiveness of other local megachurchs. “I hope the Davisplex will be seen somewhat like “Abba’s House”, Davis Said, “but with much more gold.”

Back in February, Davis was caught up in a legal battle on accusations of buying stolen jewelry, which Davis believes led him to open up a megachurch. Davis, who has been a lifelong Christian, believes the next step in his faith is to open up the Davisplex.  “After much prayer and meditation” Davis stated, “opening this church is the least I can do for our Lord and my gold sellers. As I am your friend in the jewelry business, I am your friend in the Christian fellowship business.”

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photo courtesy of rickdavisgoldanddiamonds.com

While the location has not been released where the Davisplex will be located, Davis representatives have hinted on an abandoned Wal-Mart.  CB investigators have yet to find one.

Davis hopes the Davisplex can be up and running by early 2014, in which time will allow for acquiring ministerial certifications. Davis told us “Sunday morning services will be the best in the business, and just like how we are talking gold, we will be talking-God. “ Davis hopes that future congregation members will realize that “the streets of Heaven are paved with gold, and gold prices are at an all time high.”

 

THIS ARTICLE, ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE ON THIS GODFORSAKEN SITE, IS SATIRE/FICTION AND NOT TRUE. THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

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