December 2013

EPB adds Festivus display to holiday window showcase

(Source: Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license:
(Source: Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license:

Yesterday morning, EPB expanded its Holiday Windows showcase to include a display just in time for the annual December 23 holiday Festivus.

For over 60 years, EPB has upheld a tradition to decorate the windows of its downtown office with ornate Christmas scenes using trees, animated characters and thousands of lights, and this year, it made a controversial decision to include Festivus, an alternative holiday to Christmas.

The Festivus display includes the traditional unadorned aluminum pole and animated figures engaging in Festivus activities, including the “Feats of Strength” and the “Airing of Grievances,” plus characters expressing amazement at easily explainable events which are called “Festivus miracles.”

Signal Mountain awarded “Best Place in Tenn.” by residents of Signal Mountain

Signal Mountain (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source:
Signal Mountain (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source:

Earlier this week, the residents of the town Signal Mountain, located on Walden Ridge, awarded themselves the honor of “Best Place in Tennessee” after obtaining the results of a poll, in which only Signal Mountain inhabitants voted.

“We’re number one! We’re number one!” said the crowd of residents in a chant at the ceremony.

“Other towns and cities in Tennessee can go bite a dick,” said Signal Mountain town crier Leopold Windsor. “Our low crime and unemployment rates, well-educated populace and beautiful scenery make us the most ultra mega super-awesomest town in the state, and possibly the whole nation, planet and universe.”

“Just look at our new state-of-the-art Middle/High School,” said Windsor. “Our panoramic views. Our homogeneous demographics. We’ve got a house that looks like a freakin’ UFO too, so everybody else should just stop trying, ’cause we’re the best. We did it.”

Local Amazon facility to offer catapult-powered delivery service

Amazon PrimePult
Amazon PrimePult

Last Sunday on the CBS television show “60 Minutes,” Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced the company’s intention to offer rapid deliveries using unmanned aerial vehicles, more commonly referred to as “drones,” in as early as 2015.

While this is a revolutionary idea for retailers, it overshadowed another delivery innovation from Amazon that is slated to be offered to Amazon Prime customers in Chattanooga in early 2014: a catapult-powered delivery service.

“Drone delivery may still be a few years away,” said Bezos. “But we have the technology, today, to offer catapult delivery, which can send packages to your doorstep in literally seconds.”

The technology, called Amazon PrimePult, will undergo a pilot program at the Chattanooga Amazon Distribution Center, the location of which offers largely unobstructed trajectories to residential areas within a five-mile radius.

“The catapult may seem like a low-tech apparatus – something from the Middle Ages,” said Bezos. “But the high-powered, incredibly precise catapults we have developed are on the cutting edge of modern technology, which take into account wind speed and direction readings, taken in real-time from over five hundred anemometers surrounding the facility.”

“Our tests have been a resounding success,” said Bezos. “Catapult deliveries so far have delivered packages, up to ten pounds in weight, to within five feet of their targets, 99.9% of the time, with only a few mid-air collisions with geese, helicopters and kites.”