January 2014

Councilman Chris Anderson to be recalled for not being “Gay Enough”

In the coming days, residents of Chattanooga’s District 7 community are set to bring forth a petition to recall elected councilman Chris Anderson, for what citizens are calling “promises made he failed to keep.”

District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson
District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson

Anderson was elected in March of 2013 over incumbent Manny Rico.

“When we elected Mr. Anderson, we were promised someone who we believed would embody the spirit of LGBT community,” said East Lake resident Clearance Baker. “I have yet to see any confetti cannons, glitter bombs, or ass-less chaps from our Councilman, and that just ain’t right.”

Anderson was very vocal about his support of domestic benefits for same sex couples in the area. Critics of Anderson believed he should have been more “flamboyant” in his stance.

“Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a wonderful man and could probably do some good for our community,” exclaimed Baker, “but at least he could throw on a pink wig or oversized sparkling sunglasses in the process.”

City Council bans snow

Traffic jam in snow (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/61DGcv)
Traffic jam in snow (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/61DGcv)

Tuesday’s unexpected snowfall disrupted Chattanooga with a mere two inches of snow, prompting early school and business closings and causing widespread traffic jams, and facing widespread discontent regarding how the crisis was handled, the City Council of Chattanooga held an emergency meeting yesterday evening to draft an ordinance to ban any future snow, which passed by unanimous vote.

In a written statement, the City Council said, “Tuesday’s massive Snowpocalypse clusterf-ck could have been avoided, and it’s important to be proactive, not reactive, and tackle difficult problems at the source.”

“That’s why we have decreed that snow is no longer welcome in Chattanooga, and there will be stiff penalties for any violators,” said the City Council. “We’ve got our eyes on you, snow, and don’t think that you’re off the hook just yet, sleet and hail.”

“Mother Nature can go suck a lemon,” said the City Council.

Mother Nature was not available for comment.

Marion County to install traffic cams to track aggressive bicyclists

Bicycle camera (Modified, used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2X7nYi)
Bicycle camera (Modified, used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2X7nYi)

Residents of Marion County were rocked by the news that two teens in a truck were terrorized by what could only be described as a deranged bicyclist who wielded a camera-phone and touched the truck’s bumper with his hand, and inspired by the Lookout Mountain community, which recently raised money to install license-plate-reading cameras to combat burglaries, Marion County is planning on installing cameras in order to specifically track aggressive bicyclists.

“Those poor kids,” said Marion County resident Reba Sillvagh. “They were just out for a leisurely Saturday drive on Raccoon Mountain, pleasantly cozying up to bicyclists really close on the road and warmly greeting them by revving the engine and tooting air horns, and then this one bicyclist just goes nuts and starts calling the cops and taking pictures of them.”

“They must have been so afraid,” said Sillvagh. “So afraid, that they went home, picked up some more friends, got in another vehicle, found the bicyclist and then pepper-sprayed him.”

“These traffic cameras are state-of-the-art, able to zero in on renegade bicyclists – and only bicyclists – with pinpoint accuracy,” said Marion County Police Chief Derek Druckerson.

“We’ll be able to track their every move and see every detail on them,” said Druckerson. “These high-resolution cameras can even pick up that disturbing pelvic bulge visible through their cycling skinsuit.”

Mayor Berke puts up “Help Wanted” signs to find next Police Chief

"Help Wanted" sign for Police Chief search
“Help Wanted” sign for Police Chief search
After Chattanooga Police Chief Bobby Dodd retired at the end of 2013, Mayor Andy Berke put together a search committee in order to find Dodd’s permanent replacement, and yesterday, the City Council made a controversial decision to approve funding of up to $39,000 to a Washington, D.C.-based research organization for a nationwide candidate search.

While some praised the decision, citing the need to find the most qualified person for the job, others criticized it, saying that the Police Chief should be a local person who understands the challenges of the community and is familiar with the local government.

Addressing the criticism directly, Mayor Berke assured constituents that the search would be conducted locally, as well as nationally, by creating “Help Wanted” signs and posting them around town.

“I hit Frazier Avenue pretty hard today,” said Berke, who was holding a staple gun and a roll of transparent tape. “I’m going to hand out some flyers at the show at JJ’s tonight, too. You never know – that punk rocker you see with the gauged ears and pierced septum just might be the next Police Chief.”

Weston Wamp’s semen announces 2040 Congressional run

Weston Wamp (l), Weston Wamp's semen (r)
Weston Wamp (l), Weston Wamp’s semen (r)

Weston Wamp, the son of former U.S. Representative for Tennessee’s 3rd District Zach Wamp, mounted a campaign in 2012 to run for the same office at the age of 25, which is the minimum age allowed for a person to run for the House of Representatives.

While opponents and critics frequently mentioned Wamp’s young age and lack of experience, supporters extolled his intelligence and fresh vision, and ultimately, Wamp lost the Republican primary election to Chuck Fleischmann, who currently holds the seat.

At a press conference today, Weston Wamp’s semen made the bold announcement that it is planning to run in the 2040 Congressional race, which is the earliest election for which it would be eligible to run.

Wamp’s seminal fluid, which was stored in an Erlenmeyer flask, presented its vision for the future of Chattanooga and the U.S.A. and made a vow to represent all voices and keep the city, state and nation moving in the right direction.

While many were impressed by the microscopic sperm, dressed in a tiny blazer and dress shirt with the top button unbuttoned, others were skeptical, with Wamp’s semen leaving a bad taste in people’s mouths.

“This is just another hot-shot gamete who thinks he knows what’s best for everyone,” said radio commentator Lewis Ramseur. “I mean, come on, he hasn’t even fertilized an ovum, yet.”

Trampoline lane proposed for downtown streets

Broad Street with trampoline lanes (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: streetmix.net)
Broad Street with trampoline lanes (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: streetmix.net)

Trampoline enthusiasts in Chattanooga are eagerly anticipating the opening of three trampoline parks planned in the next several months – Jump Park Chattanooga, Superfly Trampoline Park and Jump Park Ooltewah – but now they have another reason to jump for joy, with a proposal to add a “trampoline lane” to downtown streets.

City Transportation Director Dana Wakemouth said that Chattanooga would be the first city in the American South to have municipal trampoline lanes, if it is awarded a $20 million state grant this summer.

“Trampoline lanes are a revolutionary new idea, and Chattanooga is happy to lead the way,” said Wakemouth. “The lanes are made from a network of durable metal springs covered by a space-age spongy rubber material that was used by NASA on its Mars landing rover.”

“Jumping is faster and healthier than walking, and having separate lanes would make sure that jumpers don’t collide with pedestrians, bicyclists or motor vehicles,” said Wakemouth. “Also, at intersections, jumpers don’t need to wait for the stoplight to change color, since they can simply just jump over the entire road, if they are good enough.”

Broad Street with trampoline lanes (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: streetmix.net)
Broad Street with trampoline lanes (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: streetmix.net)