August 2020

Coffee News to pick up publishing Right2Know after TFP drops it

After the Chattanooga Times Free Press announced it would stop publishing mugshots on its Right2Know website, a representative from local publication Coffee News announced they will take over issuing the popular series beginning with next week’s issue.

Experts believe the inclusion of the Right2Know service will be a meat and three restaurant waiting area patrons one-stop-shop for farmers market locations, Buddhist monk quotes, and names of those arrested for domestic assault.

“We are making a few tweaks to the service to make it more reader-friendly,” explained Coffee News writer Rusty Erics. “We will change the “2” to spell out “to” and include the astrological sign of each arrestee.”

Rhonda Thurman ceremonially shaves opponent’s head after election win

/

After being re-elected to represent District 1 on the Hamilton County school board, Rhonda Thurman ceremonially shaved the head of her opponent, Stephen Vickers, to mark the victory.

In a hidden chamber accessible from the school board meeting room through a secret passageway, Thurman first kneeled on the tiled floor wearing a large black robe and a tall and wide-brimmed hat that obscured her face.

With slow, methodical movements, she poured water from a silver pitcher into an ornamental silver bowl resembling a clam shell, moistening a washcloth before wiping the face of Vickers, who had disrobed and kneeled solemnly.

Thurman used scissors to cut away Vickers’ light brown hair before cleanly shaving his scalp with a set of antique manually operated hair clippers; she held his freshly bald head in the palm of her hand, thus signalling the end of the ritual that the Hamilton County school board has held every election season for centuries.

The owner of a beauty salon, Thurman was a center of controversy in April regarding comments about opening small businesses during the COVID-19 pandemic.

To further celebrate her victory, Thurman offered free “bowl cut” haircuts at her beauty salon.

“Moe Moe Moe! How do you like it, how do you like it?” sang Thurman, as she quickly snipped her scissors, making willing men and women resemble Moe Howard from the Three Stooges.

“B.Y.O.B. y’all!” said Thurman. “Bring your own bowl!”