February 2016

School board to hire new superintendent from temp agency

Office temp workers (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/zfusa)
Office temp workers (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/zfusa)

The Hamilton County Board of Education announced yesterday afternoon that it would seek a replacement for Superintendent Rick Smith by using a local temp agency.

Smith was criticized for his handling of the Ooltewah High School rape case, and his attorney negotiated a half-million-dollar buyout package that was opposed by several board members including Rhonda Thurman who believed that Smith could be fired.

“We are sick of this buyout bullshit,” said one school board member. “Next time, we are going with a temp worker, so if they royally screw up, we’ll just hand them an empty cardboard box and tell them to gather their things and hit the bricks, pal. Welcome to Unemployment City. Population: you.”

“You’ve got to make sure they don’t take a handful of pens right before they leave,” said another board member. “Or touch Karitsa’s stash of La Croix in the communal fridge.”

A previous Hamilton County superintendent, Jim Scales, was offered a $282,000 buyout in 2011.

Some local leaders have called for the new interim superintendent to be an outsider, to place distance between the Ooltewah scandal and the school administration, and the strategy to go with a temp worker is in line with that idea.

“We will have high standards for the new superintendent,” said the school board. “He or she must be able to use Microsoft Word and type at least 40 words-per-minute. No exceptions.”

Gatlinburg detective to host new TV show “Kids Do the Stupidest Things”


Gatlinburg Police Detective Rodney Burns, who became a controversial figure in the Ooltewah High School basketball hazing case for his statement that what happened was not sexual assault but “something stupid kids do,” announced that he accepted a job as a host of a new television show called “Kids Do the Stupidest Things.”

“It’s going to be a cross between ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things,’ ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos,’ and [the prison drama] ‘Oz,'” said Burns. “Three of my favorite comedy shows.”

Burns was sharply criticized by many in the community, including Police Chief Fred Fletcher and State Senator Todd Gardenhire, for his viewpoint that rape must involve sexual gratification, which does not align with Tennessee law.

“You’re going to see a lot of horsing around and shenanigans on my new show,” said Burns. “Get a load of those stupid kids!”

Coaches believed accused Ooltewah basketball players “just really bad at pool”

Pool table (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bR26Hv)
Pool table (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bR26Hv)

Before charges against Ooltewah High School boys’ basketball coaches and athletic director were sent today to the Hamilton County Grand Jury, due to the failure to report suspected child abuse that occurred last December, including the alleged sexual assault of a freshman by three of his teammates involving a pool cue stick, the coaches stated that they initially believed that the basketball players were “just really bad at pool.”

“We didn’t report any child abuse to the Department of Children’s Services, because we just thought they were playing some pool,” said one of the officials. “Statistically, if you play a lot of pool, it’s just a matter of time before a cue stick accidentally ends up where the sun don’t shine.”

Critics have pointed out the “code of silence” perpetuated by school administrators within a culture of negligence, to discourage faculty from reporting child abuse.

“Look, these players are really good at basketball, but frankly, they absolutely suck at pool,” said another official. “It’s an honest mistake.”

Downtown IMAX debuts $1.2 million LaserDisc player


After a series of setbacks and being unable to find the proper composite cables and adapters, the Tennessee Aquarium finally unveiled its $1.2 million LaserDisc player to a group of confused onlookers. The change comes after a much needed upgrade to existing IMAX facilities and a recent yard sale LaserDisc lot score from a local yard sale.

Officials hope the cutting edge technology, which was originally from the 1980s and early 90s, will be a hit and draw a croud to the downtown IMAX location.

Some future titles for the new LaserDisc projection include: Vanilla Ice presents Penguins, Safarin’ with Kato Kaelin, and Hubble: Pixelated

“We plan to keep the old IMAX technology around to play short videos to audiences while we switch or flip discs every 30 minutes or so,” explained IMAX spokesmen Larry Sanderman.

“I could have sold them one from my parents attic for 5 bucks,” said onlooker Jerry Heed.