July 2014

Santorum gushes for Weston Wamp

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Weston Wamp
Weston Wamp

Santorum profusely and passionately gushed, aimed at 3rd Congressional District Republican candidate Weston Wamp, it was announced this morning.

“This overflowing outpouring of Santorum is something I have desired for a long time,” said Wamp. “I’m so pleased – is it all over my face? I just want to eat it all up.”

“I hope I’ll be seeing a lot of Santorum,” said Wamp. “There is a lot to do. It is time to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty.”

Mayor Berke to City: Cut this creepy shit out

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After a day filled with reports of rape, child abuse, and other disgusting things, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke held a press conference this afternoon to ask Chattanooga residents to “cut all this weird creepy shit out”.

“What the hell is wrong with you people,” questioned Berke to a group of gatherers, all in face-palm stance. “Go back to using our gig internet for illegally downloading “Game of Thrones” episodes, not being a bunch of eerie asswipes.”

 

Sen. Corker and wife have victory sex after VW announcement

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Sen. Bob Corker and wife Elizabeth
Sen. Bob Corker and wife Elizabeth

After Volkswagen announced yesterday that it would manufacture its new SUV, the CrossBlue, in Chattanooga, Senator Bob Corker and his wife Elizabeth celebrated by having victory sex.

“It’s time, baby,” mouthed Corker to his wife standing offstage, shortly after Volkswagen’s news conference in Wolfsburg, Germany, where Mayor Andy Berke, Hamilton County Mayor Jim Coppinger and Governor Bill Haslam were also in attendance.

Six months ago, while Volkswagen workers in Chattanooga were deciding whether or not to have union representation from the United Auto Workers, Corker stated that he was “…assured that should the workers vote against the UAW, Volkswagen will announce in the coming weeks that it will manufacture its new mid-size SUV here in Chattanooga.”

Volkswagen disputed the claim, and Corker received criticism for possibly swaying workers unfairly to vote against the UAW – criticism which mounted when no such announcement from Volkswagen emerged in the following weeks.

Feeling vindicated, Corker and his wife had vigorous, triumphant coitus last evening, according to reports.

Political analysts stated that this was one of the more notable examples of celebratory politician intercourse in the new millennium, alongside George W. and Laura Bush’s post-Iraq-invasion hardcore banging and Barack and Michelle Obama’s six-hour fuckfest after the Affordable Care Act was signed into law.

Study: Chattanooga is most gullible city in nation

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Chattanooga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9DUuZP)
Chattanooga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9DUuZP)

A study recently published in the American Journal of Psychology concluded that Chattanooga was the most gullible city in the nation.

The study was conducted over five years with over 9000 adult participants who resided in cities with populations of 100,000 or greater, with the cooperation of 35 colleges and universities, and it involved having the participants reading completely fictional news articles on websites and asking them if they believed that they were factual or not.

“We took the craziest conspiracy theories, the most ridiculous home remedies with absolutely no scientific basis, and also invented some of the most outrageously false political claims for this study,” said lead researcher Dr. Sandra Appleton. “And for some reason, Chattanoogans believed them all.”

“Apparently, if you put some statistics in an article, make the article’s syntax sound somewhat professional, and throw it up on a website, then people from Chattanooga will swear on their mothers’ graves that it’s true,” said Appleton.

“Celine Dion invented crack cocaine, Sriracha sauce enemas can cure prostate cancer, Vladimir Putin had a tail that was surgically removed ten years ago,” said Appleton. “At one point, we just pointed them to a ‘Chuck Norris facts’ website, and they still believed it all.”

“The interesting thing is, it didn’t matter if the participant was rich or poor, conservative or liberal, white or a person of color – everyone from Chattanooga was pretty gullible,” said Appleton. “Also, all Chattanooga participants were willing to sign a petition to have the word ‘gullible’ put into dictionaries.”

Track 29 becomes all-acoustic venue to resolve noise issue

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Kingston Trio
Kingston Trio

Representatives for the Southside music venue Track 29 announced earlier today that it would begin to only host acoustic shows, without additional amplification, in order to address complaints from nearby residents and landowners that certain concerts are too loud.

“We have a great deal of confidence that this will be a successful change in format,” said venue representative Devin Wasserstrohm. “MTV’s all-acoustic show Unplugged has been wildly successful for years, and Nirvana’s set on that show is considered an all-time classic performance.”

“This may sound like a drastic measure, but be assured that all your favorite artists will still want to play Track 29, like Jack White, Julian Casablancas, Bassnectar, The Flaming Lips and Girl Talk,” said Wasserstrohm. “They’ll just be unplugged.”

“I hear that Gregg Gillis of Girl Talk is quite good on the clarinet,” said Wasserstrohm.

Wasserstrohm also explained that although audience clapping and cheering were not going to be prohibited, the venue will encourage attendees to snap their fingers close to their own faces instead, to keep volume levels low.

Local residents who live in the vicinity of Track 29 were pleased by the decision.

“This is great news,” said Adams Street resident Beverly Nunan. “I was sitting in my living room during that Bassnectar show, and car alarms were going off and I swear my tits were shaking like bowls of jelly in a dune buggy.”

Chattanooga Whiskey founder’s mustache resigns

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Chattanooga Whiskey founder's mustache
Chattanooga Whiskey founder’s mustache

The mustache of Joe Ledbetter – best known as the founding mustache of Chattanooga Whiskey – has officially announced its resignation from the Chattanooga Whiskey Company and Tennessee Stillhouse.

In June, the mustache performed field tests of Chattanooga Whiskey and came to the conclusion that “It works!” after being arrested for public intoxication and disorderly conduct, but the mustache said that its resignation was not because of the arrest.

Chattanooga’s most famous mustache said in a prepared statement that it was “time to move on” with new projects including writing a book and helping to organize the Tennessee Whiskey Festival, acknowledging past mistakes and remembering successes, such as helping to change state legislation that had previously banned whiskey distilleries within Chattanooga city limits.