Dirk Savage

After days of overwhelming support from around the nation due to the tragic events of July 16th, a new wave of mourning and support has poured in for the city of Chattanooga for a different reason. This time, it arrives from the mass confusion and questionable representation of Chattanooga via the comment sections in area news organizations Facebook posts.

Many groups from around the states who have held candlelight vigils for the 5 soldiers who tragically lost their lives that day, have made plans to hold more vigils for Chattanooga Facebook users and their lack of correct grammar usage, punctuation, facts, and compassion.

“You would think after such a tragic event, locals would find it in their hearts to remove the sticks from their collective asses,” said Texas Facebook user Jimmy Donivan, after glancing over Chattanooga residents comments on a Times Free Press post. “I see a lady posting how her thoughts are with the families of the victims, while the next jackass is posting about how “Muslim” Obama eats American babies while pissin on the flag.”

Along with memorials for the fallen soldiers, area planning committees hope to open up additional adult literacy centers and classes on reality for area residents.

It was uncovered today by contest investigators that Lee College graduate and American Idol finalist Clark Beckham is none other than Times Free Press Internet video reporter Harrison Keely. The revelation came to light after the assumed Beckham was caught unmasked singing show tunes in the bathroom by fellow American Idol contestants. 

“What you need to know today is that I will be the next American Idol come heck or high water,” exclaimed Keely, into a webcam that he brought with him.

Chattanoogans rejoice! The Casey barge has been moved, to the other side of the river!

The move comes after months and months of failed attempts to have the dilapidated barge moved. 

“I’m grateful we were finally able to get that eyesore out of here,” exclaimed Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke. “I guess we should have mentioned we were just going to park it on the other side of the river.”

Citing a breakthrough in print technology, scientists from the Chattanooga Times Free Press have discovered a new way to include video of their very own Harrison Kelly in the print version of the newspaper, a feature that was only previously available to lucky online viewers.

“We are very excited to finally unleash the beautiful smiling mug and soul patch of the lovable Harrison Keely to our print only subscribers,” said Times Free Press spokesman Doug McLeitch. “When our customers receive their newspaper and unfold it, a video will autoplay of Mr Keely telling what we need to know today. Usually a rape or a cop beating.”

Channel 3 Chief Meteorologist Paul Barys was spotted this morning blasting a wintery mix from a snow machine after yesterday’s forecast failed to make an appearance.

“If mother nature doesn’t want to cooperate, then I teach that son of a bitch a lesson,” exclaimed Barys, while wiping unfrozen rain from his beard.

After an eventful opening day of the new hit movie “Fifty Shades of Grey”, management for the Majestic 12 theaters downtown had to contact a local Hazmat team and a pressure washer truck for what could only be called a “disaster of gooey proportions.”

Teams responded to reports of theater seats drenched in all sorts of bodily fluids, which had to be decontaminated and then sprayed repeatedly with a high powered pressure washer.

“We have began to make adjustments for future showings,” said Majestic 12 spokesmen Ken Flickman. “Guests will be given a tarp to sit on and a fresh pair of underpants.”