Trumpanooga '18

Trump vows to only use Presidential Alerts about Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club

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During his speech in Chattanooga Today, President Donald J Trump announced he will only use the new controversial Presidential Alert system to make announcements about the new Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club.

“You know that I know that Red Wolves Soccer is the best Soccer in Chattanooga”, explained Trump. “Believe me when I tell you that’s why I am signing an executive order right that that allows me to only send messages about the Red Wolf Soccer.”

Trump rally extended for one hour while he tries to pronounce Thongnopnua

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A representative from the Trump caravan announced tonight’s rally will be extended one hour after the president saw a “Joda Thongnopnua for House District 30” sign during his flight to the area. As with words like “anonymous,” the president will need more time to try and pronounce the district 30 candidate’s name.

“Is it thongnooga, tongchuga, tubthumping, thangruba, we have to find out what the hell is going on,” questioned Trump, as he downed a whole bucket of KFC while passing over the scenic city.

Experts believe Trump will give Thongnopuna one of his signature nicknames. A source close to the president thinks we might be hearing about “Juicy Joda” this evening.

 

Mike Pence ponders move to Chattanooga area after learning of two Golden Corral locations

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During his weekend visit to the Chattanooga area, acting Vice President Mike Pence announced he is considering relocating somewhere in town after learning of two Golden Corral eateries, one in Chattanooga, and one in Fort Oglethorpe.

Experts say Golden Corral is a favorite dining establishment among southern Churchgoers, who do not see the irony in gluttony.

“Mother and I love the idea of two, count em two Golden Corral restaurants within a 15-mile radius of this area,” announced Pence during one of this campaign stops. “Lord willing, I will get a little frisky and dip my head right in that gosh darn chocolate fountain.”

Trump visits Rock City, claims to see nine states

Before his big speech at the McKenzie Arena this evening, acting President Donald J Trump visited local tourist hotspot Rock City, where visitors can look out and hopefully see seven states.

It was reported that while not even using binoculars, Trump was able to see nine states, which is two more than a mortal human being can see. Years ago, President Obama visited Rock City and called bullshit on the whole thing.

“We all know I have best eyes and greatest counting skills, that’s why I saw nine states,” explained Trump to a group of Fox News reporters. “No one sees more states better than me.”

TDOT misspells the rest of onramp signage for Trump’s arrival

In an effort to appeal to Trump during his visit to Chattanooga today, the Tennessee Department of Transportation has announced that all onramp signage will be changed to an alternative spelling of whatever it was originally supposed to say.

Experts believe residents can also look for the popular trump word “covfefe” to make an appearance.

“We all know Trump has the best brain and uses the best words”, explained TDOT engineer Dennis Knight. “Some may have seen we got a jump start on things with “STOP AHAED” earlier this week.”

Trump to kick off “Shutdown Week” with bankruptcy seminar

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The White House announced that President Trump will kick off “Shutdown Week” with a bankruptcy seminar, as part of his Sunday visit to Chattanooga.

Trump has received criticism for having gone through four bankruptcies involving various hotels, casinos and resorts, and although claimed to be a self-made billionaire, Trump received hundreds of millions of dollars from his father’s real estate empire and engaged in dubious tax schemes and fraud according to the New York Times.

Local shutdown agency and decomposition chamber CO.LON will present the seminar to kick off “Shutdown Week,” which comes one week after the annual “Startup Week” series of events.

“Nobody knows bankruptcies better than me,” said Trump. “On a scale from one to ten, I’m an 11 when it comes to Chapter 11.”