May 2016

City to fund séances to let slain witnesses testify

The City of Chattanooga announced plans to fund séances so that trial witnesses who have been slain out of retaliation before court dates will still be able to testify.

“We obviously can’t guarantee your safety if you make the extremely brave and noble decision to testify against those accused of violent and gang-related crimes,” said Morgan Dunnlop, a city representative. “But if necessary, we can get your testimony from the hereafter, through a séance.”

The fund will pay for high-quality Ouija boards, candles and qualified gypsies, who are licensed and bonded.

Service entrance of local Mexican restaurant named top new make-out spot

After a poll given to local participants with shit-filled underpants, a local Mexican restaurant’s service entrance was named the area’s best new make-out spot. 

The restaurant’s service entrance beat out past favorite make-out spots, including a climate-controlled storage facility in Cleveland. 

Since Chattanooga was named “Best Town Ever” this past year, experts believe the new make-out spot will be a must visit for tourists, including the TBI. 

“Whenever I take a lady there, the smell of discarded Mexican food really gets us in the mood,” said one local romancer about the new make-out spot.” I always hope I can get her to go all the way, or as I call it, install a bike lane.” 

Tenn. defunds UT diversity office, establishes Office of Conformity

Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

After the Tennessee General Assembly passed a bill to defund the University of Tennessee’s Office for Diversity and Inclusion, it announced that in its place, it would establish an “Office of Conformity.”

“One of the most important developments of industrial manufacturing is interchangeable parts, which made mass production possible,” said Adam Whitener, the new director of the Office of Conformity. “If we humans were to become more like interchangeable parts, then the world would become a lot more efficient, and efficiency is always a good thing, right?”

“You are not a special snowflake,” said Whitener. “That’s our slogan, actually.”

“We encourage conformity among students and citizens to make things easier, from speaking the same language to wearing the same clothes,” said Whitener. “People are overwhelmed with choices nowadays, anyway. Just look at the toothpaste aisle at a store. We don’t need 65 different types of toothpaste.”

“We are all Tennesseans. We are all Vols. Orange lives matter,” said Whitener.

The bill also affects the UT Pride Center, which may have to consider making some changes to its operation and also its name.

“Pride is one of the seven deadly sins,” said Whitener. “If we have a Pride Center, then what’s next, a Gluttony Center?”

Another result of the bill is that UTK’s event Sex Week, funded using student fees and private contributions, may have to change its name to “Matrimonial Intercourse in the Missionary Position Week.”

“Let’s just keep it simple: one ding-a-ling, one hoo-ha, and one position,” said Whitener.

Young, aspiring politician pleads for pellet gun related violence to end


After a brutal 24 hours of horrendous events in Chattanooga, which saw misleading social media posts and wounds that required the 45 minute-later care of a small band-aid, one local politician is pleading with the community to stop this new onset of terrible violence.

“While the Chattanooga area has never seen this sort of horrific violence, leaders in our community must come together and pass legislation to make these types of weapons difficult for such heinous criminals to obtain, or at least cut off their supply of CO2.” said the young politician.

Bystanders believe the latest wave of violence was a scuffle between two area gangs: those who have confederate flag vehicle decals and those who don’t.

“When will the violence end? Hashtag Noogastrong,” exclaimed one onlooker.

Gun-carrying professors must provide “trigger warning” before shooting students


Gun (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Gun (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
A controversial new Tennessee law passed earlier this week, allowing educators to carry handguns at public state universities and colleges starting July 1, but an amendment yesterday to the legislation requires that they must provide “trigger warnings” before shooting students.

“Trigger warnings are typically provided before frank discussions of potentially traumatic subjects, such as abuse and rape,” said law expert Netta Gertson. “With this new law, it’s only fair that a professor provides a warning before discharging a firearm into a student, for whatever reason.”

Supporters of the law argue that it provides extra safety on campuses and allows people to defend themselves, while opponents – including students, faculty, administrators and police chiefs – disagree and say it would interfere with how active shooter situations are handled by the police.

This amendment came on the 46th anniversary of the shootings at Kent State, where four students were killed by guardsmen and nine others were wounded.

“This special type of trigger warning is essentially saying, ‘Something violent is going to happen real soon, in your face, sucka,'” said Gertson. “Maybe the student is always late for class, or doesn’t participate in class discussions enough.”

Local developers call for new “Gentrification District”

After the establishment of an “Innovation District” in downtown Chattanooga last year and news about the re-design of Miller Park, local developers have urged the city to go even further and designate a “Gentrification District.”

“We love Chattanooga and its natural beauty, its diverse culture and opportunities, but it’s just too doggone affordable,” said local developer Kit Hannincuff. “We must do something about it. A Gentrification District would be a start.”

“I mean, there are still some bars where you can get a craft beer for only $4,” said Hannincuff. “What’s that about? It should cost at least the minimum wage.”

According to the Times Free Press, 2,000 rental units located downtown are currently under construction, and between 2007 and 2012, rent in Chattanooga increased 26 percent, putting it in seventh place in the entire nation for fastest-rising median rent, just behind San Francisco.

“Here’s my vision for the Gentrification District,” said Hannincuff. “First, you find an area of town with cheap property, and you convince young artists and bohemians to live there, to boost the neighborhood’s cultural cachet.”

“Soon, every young professional will want to live near these free-spirited libertines, beardos and manic pixies,” said Hannincuff. “Once you have a few brewpubs, high-end coffee shops and restaurants that have menus with ‘small plates’ sections, then you start jacking up the rent. Big time.”

Opponents of the Gentrification District have been vocal.

“Why limit gentrification to a single district, when you can have it everywhere, in Orchard Knob and Highland Park and East Chattanooga?” said one opponent.