February 2015

Gov. Haslam declares State of Emergency over divisive white or blue dress controversy

The Dress
The Dress
Gov. Bill Haslam declared Tennessee to be in a State of Emergency earlier today, as a result of the mass chaos that has erupted over the question of whether a dress in a photo being shared on social media is colored white and gold or blue and black.

“I urge the public to remain calm in this severe crisis,” said Haslam. “Stay inside, lock your doors, and don’t get on Facebook, Tumblr or Reddit for at least the next 48 hours, I implore you.”

The divisive issue has caused friends and family members to turn on each other with violent disagreement, over a simple matter of color perception with regards to a particular snapshot of a dress.

“Team White and Gold has occupied the Southside, while Team Blue and Black has taken over the North Shore,” said Police Chief Fred Fletcher. “I’ve heard murmurs of martial law, but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”

“There are riots, looting, naked napalm-scalded children running through the streets, screaming,” said resident Katharin Pourlay. “I haven’t seen so many people so angry about an issue since Coke changed its formula in 1985.”

BREAKING: Paul Barys seen pulling snow machine through Chattanooga streets

Channel 3 Chief Meteorologist Paul Barys was spotted this morning blasting a wintery mix from a snow machine after yesterday’s forecast failed to make an appearance.

baryssnow“If mother nature doesn’t want to cooperate, then I teach that son of a bitch a lesson,” exclaimed Barys, while wiping unfrozen rain from his beard.

Majestic 12 calls in Hazmat, pressure washer truck after Fifty Shades of Grey opening day

After an eventful opening day of the new hit movie “Fifty Shades of Grey”, management for the Majestic 12 theaters downtown had to contact a local Hazmat team and a pressure washer truck for what could only be called a “disaster of gooey proportions.”

majesticTeams responded to reports of theater seats drenched in all sorts of bodily fluids, which had to be decontaminated and then sprayed repeatedly with a high powered pressure washer.

“We have began to make adjustments for future showings,” said Majestic 12 spokesmen Ken Flickman. “Guests will be given a tarp to sit on and a fresh pair of underpants.”

Chattanooga Boys Choir’s “Hollerin’ at Bitches from a Tree” snubbed at Grammys

The LP, “Hollerin’ at Bitches from a Tree” from the local Chattanooga Boys Choir failed to snag best album at the 2015 Grammy awards last night. 1206_WEB_e_Singing_Tree_t800_ha5ad59e5fb7d454443e75906d71a2b7bb82ec1d8

“These boys work so hard to scale a fake tree every year and holler at some bitches, “exclaimed Chattanooga Boys Choir director Terry Francisco. “It was a sad day to explain to these poor kids we lost to a scientologist who obviously has never hollered at any bitches, let alone from a tree.”

Nooga.com spin-off site dedicated to restaurant closures

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Nooga.com screenshot of restaurant closure articles
Nooga.com screenshot of restaurant closure articles
At a press conference yesterday afternoon, the Chattanooga local news website Nooga.com announced that it would launch a spin-off site solely dedicated to articles about restaurant closures, called “Resting Place.”

“We strive to be the number one source of news in Chattanooga about misfortune in the restaurant industry,” said spokesperson Nic Ingebrigt.

“It is the American dream to open a homegrown business, fueled by sweat, life savings and the entrepreneurial spirit,” said Ingebrigt. “Although it is a myth that 90% of restaurants close within the first year, like most other types of businesses, around 60% of new ones will close within three years.”

“There is a certain glamour to it all, with hopes of possibly becoming a rock-star chef heralded by foodie bloggers, international epicureans and tastemakers,” said Ingebrigt. “But in reality, running a restaurant is extremely difficult and mostly a pain in the ass, having to deal with high levels of stress, economic uncertainty, employees who might flake out on you, fickle fad-following eaters, surprise health inspections and even the occasional argumentative, drunk customer.”

“Our new website Resting Place will be a public record of unfulfilled champagne wishes and caviar nightmares, where dreams die like a collapsed soufflé,” said Ingebrigt.