September 2018

Drive-By Truckers to open for Drive-By Truckers tribute band

Published on

The popular, acclaimed Southern-rock band Drive-By Truckers announced that it would be the opening act for The Dirty South: A Tribute to Drive-By Truckers after discovering that both acts are playing tonight in Chattanooga.

“Sometimes an imitation can be as good as or even better than the original. Think about almond milk, or fake boobs,” said local resident Carl Krookstrand. “The Dirty South is kind of like fake boobs squirting almond milk, which is pretty awesome if you ask me.”

“The beauty of tribute bands is that they play what the fans want to hear: the hits,” said local music fan Bethany Luberno. “Many current bands are sick of playing the hits and concentrate on new material, but who wants that? I just want to hear the music that I listened to during my formative years, and nothing else. Innovation is overrated.”

Local venues have made a pact to increase the number of tribute band events so that at least 75% of all shows will be tribute shows.

“We’ve got 10,000 Days: A Tool Tribute, Black Jacket Symphony playing Tom Petty’s ‘Damn the Torpedoes,’ Rain: A Tribute to the Beatles, Nirvanna: A Tribute to Nirvana, and SunSap: A Tribute to Cage the Elephant coming up in town, but it’s not enough,” said local promoter Samuel Pertsky.

“We need local bands to become tribute bands that play the music of other local acts, too,” said Pertsky. “I, myself, would love to hear a Norman Blake tribute act called Norman Fake, or maybe a tribute band called ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Strung Like a Horse!'”

Adding to the surprise announcement, it was just revealed that an additional band would also open for The Dirty South, called “Heathens: A Tribute to The Dirty South: A Tribute to Drive-By Truckers” which plays the music of Drive-By Truckers in the style of the Drive-By Truckers cover band The Dirty South.

Drive-By Truckers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fQtPtp)

Swimming portion of Ironman back on after Tennessee River drained and refilled

Published on

Just days after Ironman officials announced the swimming portion of Sunday’s Chattanooga Ironman was canceled due to strong currents and higher levels of E. coli, participants were amazed to hear they would once again take to the water after the Army Corps of Engineers Ironman division were able to successfully drain and refill the Tennessee River.

Some competitors were fully prepared to put their lives and health on the line but were fine not having to do that as well.

“I was fully ready to be washed away or shit blood for the rest of eternity for a free t-shirt and bumper sticker”, said Ironman participant Hans Pantski. “Not having to do that is cool too.”

“The biggest challenge we faced was locating the stopper we placed at the bottom of the fast flowing river,” explained Army Corp of Engineers Ironman department spokesman Ray Dankman. “We were also very fortunate that many residents along the river were gracious enough to lend their garden hoses and water for a faster refill time.”

New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

Published on
//

Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun.

“There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want to sit in the shade on a hot, sunny day like today are just pussies.”

“When I think of the word ‘park’ this is exactly the picture that pops into my mind: a big, flat area of grass surrounded by pavement and a covered stage and some rampy stone thingies,” said Altmink.

“The beauty of the new Miller Park is just exquisite,” said Altmink while slowly nodding his head. “Exquisite.”

Blackburn, Bredesen agree to debate about soccer team names

Published on
/

After plans had fizzled out regarding a possible October 1 debate in Chattanooga, U.S. Senate race candidates Marsha Blackburn and Phil Bredesen finally agreed to an impromptu Chattanooga debate yesterday as long as the topic was limited to selecting a name for the new Chattanooga Pro Soccer team.

“Dear God, can we all agree that all of these names are pretty horrible?” said Blackburn. “I mean, Express? Generals? Ironhorses? Red Wolves? Sporting Chattanooga? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“This is the one and only topic in which we are in total agreement,” said Bredesen. “The shit is weak.”

“Why should the public vote on this? This is democracy at its worst,” said Blackburn, with Bredesen nodding his head.

“It’s like a kick in the balls, pun intended,” said Bredesen.

Online voting on the Chattanooga Pro Soccer website ends today.

Panhandlers eagerly awaiting re-opening of Miller Park

Published on

Members of the local chapter of the panhandling union (Panhandlers Local Union 58008) are eagerly anticipating the grand opening of Miller Park on September 14 after undergoing renovations for the last year.

“It’s been a rough year,” said local panhandler Coots McGooligan. “Most of us had to disperse and hang out in other areas, like the benches at Market and 7th, or across the street from Warehouse Row at 12th and Market.”

“We’re ready to take over Miller Park, to share our vivid stories of misfortune,” said McGooligan. “It’s Miller time!”

Local beard oil supplies dangerously low before Moon River Festival

Published on

Authorities have cautioned the public to remain calm after it was revealed that local reserves of beard oil have become dangerously low, in advance of the Americana/roots music Moon River Festival this weekend in Coolidge Park.

“Be warned, we may have to start rationing or placing anti-price-gouging controls on our remaining supplies of beard oil,” said local distributor Sam Lumberplaid, while stroking his beard like it was the flaxen tail of a magnificent steed.

“Believe me, you don’t want to see thousands of Avett Brothers fans with severe cases of beard itch,” said Lumberplaid.