May 2015

Mayor Berke mistakenly votes for Boone, N.C. in “Best Town” contest, may face impeachment

Mayor Andy Berke
Mayor Andy Berke
After Mayor Andy Berke reportedly voted by accident for Boone, N.C. – Chattanooga’s competitor – in Outside Magazine’s online “Best Towns” contest, the Chattanooga City Council will decide if he will face impeachment for the mistake.

“I could have sworn I clicked on ‘Chattanooga,'” said Berke. “I wasn’t wearing my glasses, and my finger must have slipped. Next thing I know, I hit the ‘Vote’ button, but it was too late. I am so, so sorry.”

Round 4 of Outside Magazine’s contest pits Chattanooga against Boone in a close match, and voting ends at 11:59 p.m. tonight.

“This is a grave matter that we must take very seriously,” said the City Council in a written statement. “However, Berke said that he cleared his Internet browser cookies and then voted again, this time for Chattanooga, so that may earn him some leniency.”

Tenn. pays $46,000 to ten-year-old for new state logo


Tennessee state logo
Tennessee state logo
Tennessee has a new state logo, created by a ten-year-old boy named Sparky, who was paid $46,000 for the commissioned work which will be used on future signs and letterheads.

The new logo has earned unanimous praise from Tennessee residents and lawmakers, who have deemed it to be well worth the $46,000 in taxpayer dollars.

“It’s exquisite,” said Chattanooga designer Myron Finchley. “I’ve never seen a logo so strongly iconic, simple yet sophisticated, since the passing of Paul Rand and Walter Landor.”

“I had no doubt Sparky would go far,” said Cindy Maywood, Sparky’s former kindergarten teacher. “He was a natural artist and the best fingerpainter in the class.”

Sparky could not be reached for comment and was reportedly going on a Nerf shopping spree at Toys “R” Us.

New law requires 48-hr. waiting period before having sex with Rep. DesJarlais


Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
One day after Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam signed a bill requiring a 48-hour waiting period before a woman can obtain an abortion, state lawmakers passed a piece of legislation that requires women to wait 48 hours before having sex with U.S. Representative Scott DesJarlais.

“We just want to make sure women have really thought this through, before they bump uglies with Scott,” said State House Speaker Beth Harwell. “They need to really think about the consequences, such as the deep, deep shame. Or, a possible unwanted pregnancy.”

Rep. DesJarlais, a physician in Jasper, Tenn., received criticism for having multiple affairs with his patients and has been called a hypocrite for maintaining a staunch pro-life stance although previously urging one of his mistresses to seek an abortion and supporting his ex-wife’s abortions before their 1995 marriage.

Women seeking to have sex with DesJarlais must now first visit a special clinic for in-person counseling with a doctor who will describe what to expect, so that they may make an informed decision about the risks of having sex with DesJarlais.

Physicians are also required to provide a list of public and private agencies to women that are available to assist them with counseling after having intercourse with DesJarlais.

American Idol finalist Clark Beckham revealed to be Harrison Keely

It was uncovered today by contest investigators that Lee College graduate and American Idol finalist Clark Beckham is none other than Times Free Press Internet video reporter Harrison Keely. The revelation came to light after the assumed Beckham was caught unmasked singing show tunes in the bathroom by fellow American Idol contestants. keelyidol

“What you need to know today is that I will be the next American Idol come heck or high water,” exclaimed Keely, into a webcam that he brought with him.


Marilyn Manson makes surprise visit to Creative Discovery Museum

"Marilyn Manson f10410791" by Rama - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 fr via Wikimedia Commons.
Marilyn Manson f10410791” by RamaOwn work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 fr via Wikimedia Commons.

The Grammy-award-nominated singer Marilyn Manson made a surprise visit to Chattanooga’s Creative Discovery Museum today, as part of his lifetime commitment to give back to the community and help children.

Manson led several workshops for youngsters, including ones for making sock puppets and origami animals, and he was also seen making s’mores and snickerdoodles.

Manson is in Chattanooga for a sold-out concert at Track 29 tonight, where he is expected to play hits including “Polly’s Pretty Petticoat,” “Let’s Hold Hands and Read the Bible Together,” and a cover of Seth Putnam’s “I Respect Your Feelings as a Woman and a Human.”

It was announced that the afterparty for the concert will be held at Abba’s House, where Manson has arranged an ice cream social, sock hop and youth group lock-in.