March 2021

Armed right-wing militia members take post outside Mr. Burrito Grill in case threat of “Mr.” removal arises

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After news that Hasbro might be removing the “Mr.” from its classic Mr. Potato Head toy, a group of conservative-leaning militia members has assembled outside of the popular eatery “Mr. Burrito Grill” in an effort to provide what they call ” freedom protection”. Experts believe the group is doing anything they can to protect what they are calling “the sanctity of men” and nothing would be more harmful to their wellbeing than seeing the word “Mr.” removed from a building.

“He’s a MISTER burrito grill for a reason,” explained one militia member Brandon Houseman. “You take away his manhood then it’s just a burrito grill, I can buy them things at Big Lots”.

Sources say the group did not keep post long as temperatures rose above 70 degrees in the afternoon and also discovered does not provide a discount for being fake military.

Chattanooga Bystander endorses Mayor Andy Berke for Mayor and a third term

The Chattanooga Bystander is proud to endorse current City of Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke for the upcoming 2021 City of Chattanooga Mayorship election. While this isn’t legally possible, we will lay out a few reasons why we think it should happen anyway.

Saving the taxpayers’ money: he’s been in office for a while now. We’re sure he’s accumulated quite a few knickknacks around the office so it would take many moving trucks to get everything out. It will cost quite a bit to change all the names painted, printed, or embossed on various things in the city, and that shit ain’t cheap

2020 really didn’t count: Zoom is bullshit and not real life.

There is like 300 people running: We all know there is going to be runoffs, and we can’t deal with these signs anymore. Just give him the damn thing

We all know Andy has had his ups and downs, but who hasn’t? He’s managed to get our town voted best down ever by people who have never been anywhere else, plus the internet is good. So when you head to the poll, be sure to write in Andy 2021. If you already voted, just show back up and see if you can change your vote. Not sure if that’s legal but worth a shot.