May 2017

Downtown digital billboard to air only Times Free Press digital reports

To appease the massive amount of fans for the new giant digital billboard downtown and the Chattanooga Times Free Press’ digital reporting videos, a representative from Fairway Outdoor Advertising announced plans to merge the two local favorites into one. Soon, commuters traveling on Market Street will be able to stay informed with 600sqft of pure LED digital reporting straight from the TFP.

“We have our finger on the pulse of what is popular with the Chattanooga market,” explained Fairway Outdoor Spokesman Brandon Snipes. “What our fingers tell us that people love giant blinding digital billboards and endless heartfelt digital news reporting.”

Sources believe a portal may form when inevitably a live report about the new billboard airs on the web and the billboard. Experts believe the portal will create a telepathic channel to Harrison Keely, who will mysteriously appear with longer hair overnight.

Times Free Press announces new web series of Lesley Dale just playing on her phone

In an effort to bring in more asinine comments to its Facebook page, the Chattanooga Times Free Press announced plans for a new web series of digital reporter Lesley Dale staring into her phone.
Lesley Dale became the Time Free Press digital reporter after local legend and male model Harrison Keely left for Las Vegas over a year ago. He is still greatly missed.
“We believe viewers with literally nothing else to do during the day will be excited about our new program,” explained Times Free Press spokesmen Michael Coleman. “Ms. Dale will inform everyone she is here at the TFP and then immediately launch into fiddling around on her phone for thirty to forty-five minutes.”

Sen. Corker Googles “How to remove bumper sticker without damaging paint”

Senator Bob Corker has Googled the phrase “How to remove bumper sticker without damaging paint,” reports say.

This news comes one day after Corker, chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee, made comments to reporters about the White House, saying, “Obviously they’re in a downward spiral right now.”

“Man, I just bought this new Volkswagen last year,” said Corker. “She’s a sweet ride.”

“I’m a little reluctant to spray WD-40 on the bumper or use a blow dryer, in case of discoloration,” said Corker.

“I wish I remembered what I did the last time I removed a bumper sticker, which was in the ’90s when they replaced Sammy Hagar in Van Halen with the lead singer of Extreme,” said Corker.

City eliminates all crime by closing one convenience store

In one astounding move, the City of Chattanooga eliminated all crime, including gang activity and drug deals, by closing down a single convenience store: the Westside Shop.

“Why didn’t we think of this earlier?” said a representative from the Hamilton County District Attorney’s office. “Who would’ve thought it would be this easy?”

“Curses! After the closing of the Westside Shop, we have no choice but to give up our lives of crime and become honest, law-abiding citizens,” said one gang member who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It’s not like we can just walk one block down the street and carry on our illegal activities there.”

The petition from the Hamilton County District Attorney mentioned that over a 27-month period, Chattanooga Police officers were called to the store’s area over 200 times for suspicious activity, fights, robberies, drug-related activity and other offenses.

Critics of the closure claimed that it was unfair to the business owners and that the closure would punish low-income families by reducing access to groceries, but they were silenced after hearing about the immediate and total elimination of crime in the entire city.

“We want to take our revolutionary crime-fighting idea of closing down businesses beyond Chattanooga,” said a city representative. “Did you know that 100% of bank robberies take place at banks? If you just close down all the banks, then you will completely eliminate bank robberies.”

Chief Fred Fletcher announces plans to sell dietary supplements after retirement

Some weeks after Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher announced retirement after his contract ends this summer, Fletcher revealed plans to supplement his income by offering a broad range of dietary and energy supplements.
Fletcher, who has been Chattanooga Police chief since 2014, has always dreamed of being his own boss and exploring his maximum potential.
“While the fight to keep the streets of Chattanooga safe from gang violence must continue, preparing your future for health and financial success must be a priority as well,” explained Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher, while sitting on a flowery upholstered love seat, surrounded by a dozen middle-aged men and women.