October 2016

Chattanooga haunted houses show horror of city without gigabit internet

In response to what some one-time visitors of Chattanooga believe would be a shithole wasteland of horrors and less gentrification, area haunted houses brought those fears to life this Halloween.

One local favorite Rock City opened their attraction called “DSL hell”, in which gnomes were unable to launch their startups due to milliseconds slower page loading times.

Even area Church judgment houses went along with the popular theme.

“With gigabit internet, were able to save at least 2 to 3 souls faster an hour over much slower internet speeds.” explained local pastor Reverand Rick Davis. “I weep for the souls that are eternally burning in the fire and brimstone within the depths of hell due to insufficient internet speeds.”

Berke claims Putin leaking investigation details

After weeks of shocking revelations in the case of Mayor Andy Berke and members of his cabinet, a source close to the Mayor said he believes the leaks have come from none other than Russian leader Vladimir Putin. Berke claims Putin has been in cahoots with accuser Bobby Stone, who he claims may have had shirtless horse rides with the Russian President.

Members of the Berke administration originally believed Wikileaks could have been behind the leaks, but not even Wikileaks’ Julian Assange could crack the administration’s much frowned upon WhatsApp account.

“Let me be clear, these accusations are completely false and are obviously leaked by Vladimir Putin and because of his hatred for gigabit internet and Mexican restaurants”, exclaimed Berke.

Hamilton County starts locking prison doors after business hours

After shocking revelations emerged that ankle monitors on offenders in Hamilton County aren’t being tracked after business hours and that one criminal escaped house arrest after removing his ankle monitor, the corrections department announced that it would start locking its prison doors during evenings and weekends.

“Be assured that our new policy will come at no cost to taxpayers,” said Pat Forharrel, a representative for the Hamilton County Corrections Department. “The locks on the prison doors already exist. We’re just going to start locking them, outside business hours.”

“So far, we’ve just been on the honor system,” said Forharrel. “It’s like in professional wrestling, when a referee gets distracted or perhaps gets in a prolonged conversation with a wrestler’s manager during a match. While the referee isn’t looking, it’s just assumed that everyone will play fair. No shenanigans.”

“The prisoners probably think that when the doors are closed, that they automatically lock,” said Forharrel. “Thank goodness nobody has previously leaned on their cell doors outside business hours, ’cause they would have swung wide open and somebody could have fallen down and gotten hurt.”

Prison (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/89DR6H)
Prison (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/89DR6H)

Experts warn of Southside “condom desert” after closing of Chuck’s

Urban planning experts have warned city officials that the upcoming closing of the Main Street nightclub Chuck’s, a.k.a. “The Condom Shop,” would leave a “condom desert” in the Southside after October 22.

Much like an urban “food desert,” which is a location that lacks convenient access to grocery stores, a “condom desert” would be a location that lacks ample access to prophylactics.

“Let’s say you are a young, single male who is partying on the Southside late one night, and you find yourself getting hot-and-heavy with a honey who is ready to go,” said urban planner Grace Solvowitz. “You’ve got to wrap that junk. But where do you go, after Chuck’s is gone? And let’s not forget dental dams, for the ladies.”

“In this day and age of diseases, coitus interruptus is not an option,” said Solvowitz, who then began to sing the chorus of “Don’t Pull Your Love,” the song popularized by Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds.

Study: 40% of all local businesses to be yoga-related by 2020


A study released today by the Tennessee Department of Commerce predicted that by the year 2020, approximately 40% of all Chattanooga businesses will be yoga-related.

“It’s blowing up!” said local yoga expert, Rain Summerberry. “Back in August, we had the debut of the Southern Bend Yoga Festival, and two weeks ago, we had the Divine Fire Yoga Festival. There are twenty-seven more yoga festivals scheduled here in the next month alone, taking place in parks, resorts, event venues, bars, alleyways, basements and vacant gravel lots.”

“Really, anywhere you can lay down a yoga mat,” said Summerberry.

“When you think about it, yoga can have a huge impact on local commerce,” said Kris Fogley of the Tennessee Department of Commerce. “Yoga people need yoga clothes, yoga paraphernalia, expensive food and drink from Whole Foods or Fresh Market and lots of crappy hippie-type music made by white people with dreadlocks.”

“Most people just drink water when they feel like they are thirsty,” said Fogley. “But yoga people have these fancy water bottles that come in pretty colors that glow when you need to take a drink of water. Those cost good money.”

“Last month, Chattanooga had its first Rage Yoga class, which mixes yoga with swearing, drinking beer and blaring rock music,” said Summerberry. “In East Ridge next month, there’s going to be a ‘Meth Yoga’ class, which we are looking forward to.”

“There are so many new varieties and niches, like ‘Insult Yoga,’ ‘Bare-Knuckle Yoga’ and ‘Toga Yoga,’ where everyone pretends that they are at the toga party in the movie Animal House,” said Summerberry. “Did I mention ‘Dexys Midnight Yoga’? You do yoga at midnight while listening to the song ‘Come On Eileen’ over and over, wearing clothing from the ’80s.”

Yoga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/J9CcVh)
Yoga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/J9CcVh)

Trump enlists Corker for foreign policy for countries where Americans will move

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump enlisted Senator Bob Corker, a former mayor of Chattanooga, as a member of his national security advisory council to develop foreign policy for relations with countries where many Americans will move if Trump is elected.

“When Trump gets elected, we’re going to have a lot of angry and scared people moving from our nation to other countries,” said Corker, the current chairman of the U.S. Senate Foreign Relations Committee. “And I’ll do my best to shape the foreign policy to deal with those countries, which will likely be volatile because they’re now engorged with disgruntled ex-pats.”

With Corker joining Trump’s advisory council, which has been unanimously considered a prudent and well-thought-out move, Corker – who had a successful career in real estate – will also advise Trump on ways to not lose $915 million in a single year.

Sen. Bob Corker (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5jkmz1)
Sen. Bob Corker (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5jkmz1)

Berke wears mesh shirt at Pride Parade to show transparency


Mayor Andy Berke strutted down Riverside Drive wearing a white mesh shirt at yesterday’s Chattanooga Pride Parade in order to demonstrate a commitment to transparency, after criticism about previously using an encrypted smartphone messaging app to communicate with his staff.

“I’ve got nothing to hide,” said Berke, as he lifted up his mesh shirt to slowly rub baby oil all over his chiseled, hairless chest. “Why would I, when you’ve got these rock-hard, six-pack abs like mine?”

Berke surprised parade watchers with multiple outfit changes during the event, featuring a variety of see-through apparel, including a clear plastic vest with the words “BOY TOY” printed on it.

“I’ll comply with any open records request,” said a shirtless Berke, wearing suspenders and a bow tie.

“I’ll open my records, all right. Wide. Wide open, baby,” said Berke, before tearing his eyeglasses from his face and winking an eye.