Food/Drink

Experts warn: cheaper-than-milk gas is no substitute for milk

/

With the price of gasoline dropping well below $2 a gallon in Chattanooga, making it less expensive than milk, experts are reminding residents that gas is not an acceptable substitute for milk.

Facing the COVID-19 pandemic, residents are seeing local grocery stores sell out of staples and necessities like milk, bread, and toilet paper, sometimes forcing them to substitute items or be resourceful.

“If you’re out of milk, it might be tempting to fill your breakfast cereal bowl with some unleaded gas instead, since it’s now cheaper than milk,” said local petroleum and dairy expert Kim Attnius. “My expert advice to you is to strongly recommend against it.”

“Also, sandpaper is not a good substitute for toilet paper,” said Attnius. “I’m not an expert on toilet paper, so I had to learn this the hard way.”

Ample supply of local craft beer to replace water

/

After a water main break occurred Thursday evening, disrupting water supplies to areas including downtown and North Chattanooga, local breweries came to the rescue by replacing water with delicious craft beer.

“As you know, there have been over 70 new breweries that have opened up in Chattanooga in the last five years,” said local brewer Carter Govlet, the owner of the brewpub Beerly Legal. “We could fill up the Tennessee River with craft beer, if we wanted to.”

Utility workers were able to use existing piping at breweries to pump craft beer into water supply pipes, allowing residents to conduct their normal, daily activities using beer instead of water.

“We even figured out a way to have two different beer varieties flow through the water supply system,” said Kat Pratdon, brewmaster of Pret-a-Porter. “If you turn on your hot water tap, you’ll get a nice, creamy stout, with notes of Kona coffee and chocolate truffles. Turn on your cold water tap, and you’ll get a floral IPA, with sweet citrus tones and a woody, hoppy aroma.”

“Please, go about your daily routines, and enjoy the decadent luxury of completely immersing yourself in a bathtub full of premium beer,” said Ashley Visconte, brewmaster of the brewpub Beer, Uncertainty and Stout.

Four new chicken plants to open downtown to meet chicken sandwich demand

/

While rampant speculation remains about whether or not developer John Wise intends to facilitate the move of the Pilgrim’s Pride chicken plant from downtown to property he purchased in Dade County, Georgia, it was announced today that four new chicken plants would open in downtown Chattanooga to meet the high demand for chicken sandwiches.

“People are going batshit crazy over Popeye’s new chicken sandwiches, which became an instant sensation and have quickly sold out,” said Manny Brurchil, a local chicken industry expert. “They’re so popular, people are auctioning them off on eBay, and one Chattanooga man is suing Popeye’s because they ran out before he could get one.”

“We might be heading toward a recession, so business investors are looking at industries that are recession-proof,” said Brurchil. “If people are unemployed, they still want to drink beer, maybe even more than they used to because they’re sad and have spare time.”

“The same goes for fried chicken sandwiches. Sad people don’t reach for healthy salads,” said Brurchil. “Building more chicken processing plants, right in the middle of downtown, is smart money.”

“Lots of people complain about the smell of chicken plants, but it’s not the stench of failure,” said Brurchil. “It’s the stench of success.”

“That, my friends, is the smell of money,” said Brurchil. “And putrid chicken shit.”

Police recommend putting nacho cheese in pockets to thwart pickpockets

/

After video footage was released of a pickpocket stealing a woman’s phone at a convenience store, Chattanooga Police recommended that people put nacho cheese in their pockets to discourage theft.

“Don’t be a victim, especially to some douchebag thief who dresses like Silent Bob’s friend Jay,” said officer Terry Maptrost. “The best way to thwart would-be pickpockets is to fill your pockets with nacho cheese.”

Maptrost advised that any liquid cheese would do the job and said that using slices of American cheese was not recommended.

“You’ll also want to avoid hard cheeses, like Pecorino, cheddar or Gouda,” said Maptrost. “Ladies, just squirt a few pumps of nacho cheese into your purse, and you’re good to go.”

“Imagine the look on some jerkwad’s face when he withdraws his hand from your pocket, not holding a wallet, but covered with warm, gooey nacho cheese,” said Maptrost. “Busted! This is na-cho lucky day, sucka.”

Guy Fieri purchases Food City, will incorporate into Flavortown

/

During the grand opening announcement for the new Fort Oglethorpe Food City, onlookers were shocked when television personality and celebrity chef Guy Fieri appeared announced he has purchased all local Food Citys and will relocate them to Flavortown. 

“The Rockin’ Chattanooga and beyond Red Food, er Bi-Lo, ah Food Cities are greasin’ their way to Flavortown,” explained Fieri, while downing a plate of cheese fries. “Be sure to stock up on 69 cent donkeysauce and four for twenty noogastrongbows before this Food City gets rockvacuated!”

City bans IPAs to address racial displacement issue

/

After Chattanooga Organized for Action (COA) released a report about racial displacement in and around the downtown area, the city passed an ordinance to temporarily ban craft beers of the India Pale Ale (IPA) variety.

In the last year alone, local craft breweries introduced over 300 new IPA varieties, and social scientists commonly use the number of local IPAs as a metric when determining the level of gentrification that has occurred in a specific area.

“It’s a complicated issue, but you can’t argue with statistics,” said local sociologist Cris Tutweill. “Affluent, educated people can’t get enough of those hoppy Pine-Sol bong-water brews.”

COA’s report pointed out that one of the largest declines in African-American homeownership in the country happened in Chattanooga between 2005 and 2015, and neighborhoods that saw an influx of over 5,000 white residents simultaneously lost over 2,500 African-Americans.

“This seems like a drastic measure, but surveys have shown that 85% of craft beer drinkers are white, and by golly, we’ve got to try something,” said Tutweill. “If this doesn’t work, maybe we can ban saisons.”

Mike Pence ponders move to Chattanooga area after learning of two Golden Corral locations

/

During his weekend visit to the Chattanooga area, acting Vice President Mike Pence announced he is considering relocating somewhere in town after learning of two Golden Corral eateries, one in Chattanooga, and one in Fort Oglethorpe.

Experts say Golden Corral is a favorite dining establishment among southern Churchgoers, who do not see the irony in gluttony.

“Mother and I love the idea of two, count em two Golden Corral restaurants within a 15-mile radius of this area,” announced Pence during one of this campaign stops. “Lord willing, I will get a little frisky and dip my head right in that gosh darn chocolate fountain.”

Golden Corral’s “Pay Your Age” promotion fails to draw crowds

/

Golden Corral restaurants in the Chattanooga area failed to draw huge crowds today for its one-day-only “Pay Your Age” promotion.

“We really didn’t think this one through,” said restaurant manager Pat Sanesca. “We should’ve known that our core customers are all senior citizens in their 60s, 70s, 80s or older.”

This came on the heels of a similar promotion from Build-A-Bear Workshop, including the location in the Hamilton Place Mall, which allowed customers today only to purchase a stuffed bear for the price of the child’s age, which could be as little as $1 for a one-year-old.

A victim of its own success, the offer eventually prompted Build-A-Bear Workshop locations to shut down lines after overwhelmingly large numbers of people came out to take advantage of the promotion.

“Mr. Leslie Jenkins here is one of our most loyal customers,” said Sanesca, who pointed to a man sitting alone, in front of an empty plate. “Mr. Jenkins was born during a long-ago era when ‘Leslie’ was mostly a name for boys.”

“Hope you enjoyed your supper! That’ll be $85, sir,” said Sanesca.

Vodka mistakenly served instead of Holy Water during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night

/

In what some are calling an error of biblical proportions, drink vendors during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night served festival-goers Vodka instead of the usual holy water on the sacred rocks.

Experts on the matter believe there should be no cause for alarm as both liquids lead those who partake to Jesus anyway.

“I am shocked and appalled that Friends of the Festival would allow my unvaccinated son to drink the devil’s juice instead of the blood of the lamb while he sees Switchfeet or whatever,” explained Riverbend attendee Deborah Smith. “They could have at least had the vodka blessed!”

“Don’t worry, I have blessed it,” explained Father Basil Marceaux.

David Blaine to hold breath for 18 minutes inside chicken processing plant

/

While in Chattanooga for his June 2 performance at the Tivoli Theatre, street magician and endurance artist David Blaine announced that he would break a world record by holding his breath for 18 minutes while locked inside the downtown chicken processing plant.

Blaine has performed endurance stunts including being encased in a block of ice for over 63 hours, being suspended over the River Thames in a Plexiglas case for 44 days and hanging upside down over Central Park for 60 hours.

“Anyone who has caught a whiff of the intense chicken plant stench on a summer day knows that it can be unbearable, so David Blaine is perhaps facing the riskiest stunt of his entire career,” said Chattanooga resident Randall Menalivis, a longtime fan.

1 2 3 6