October 2015

VW repurposes diesel cars as Halloween fog machines

Halloween fog (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/6r5Dns)
Halloween fog (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/6r5Dns)

Auto manufacturer Volkswagen unveiled at its Chattanooga manufacturing facility an ingenious way to sell its diesel cars – the sale of which had been halted after the discovery that they used a “defeat device” for emissions testing – by marketing them to be used as Halloween fog machines, rather than as vehicles.

“Chattanooga is home to some of the best haunted houses in the region, and every haunted house needs a good smoke machine,” said a VW spokesperson wearing a skeleton costume at a press conference this afternoon. “These mobile fog machines emit thick clouds of pollutants, which will make your haunted house that much more spooky.”

The VW spokesperson stressed, while he winked conspicuously, that the mobile fog machine should only be towed from place to place and not driven, although the driving capability of it had not been disabled.

“What can I say? They outsmarted us,” said a representative from the Environmental Protection Agency. “They’re selling them as fog machines, rather than cars, so they don’t have to abide by all the regulations regarding vehicle emissions. VW, you magnificent bastard.”

Local girlfriends release study linking semen consumption with cancer

Research lab (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/xg4zco)
Research lab (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/xg4zco)

The results of a scientific study were released today by a group of local girlfriends, in cooperation with the UT College of Medicine in Chattanooga, linking the consumption of semen with an increased risk of cancer.

The study’s results were published on the same day that a completely different study was published in the medical journal The Lancet, which concluded that the consumption of processed and red meat led to a greater risk of colon cancer.

“The bitter truth may be hard to swallow, but we have found sufficient evidence that semen can be a carcinogen when consumed,” said lead researcher Dr. Sylvie Wellyns. “It’s a sticky situation, to be sure.”

Local boyfriends disputed the outcome of the study, alleging that the research was flawed and that the results were inconclusive.

Wellyns announced that her research team would soon be able to report the results of two other studies which draw connections between contact with semen and skin cancer of the face, and between shaving a woman’s pubic region and hepatitis.

7 Bridges Marathon changes name after bridge-counting error

Marathon (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/pG65ms)
Marathon (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/pG65ms)

Organizers of the 7 Bridges Marathon announced that they would be changing its name to “6 Bridges Marathon” after it made an error when counting the number of bridges.

“We were certain that we had the right number of bridges,” said director Gavin Pawket. “I used the fingers on both of my hands.”

“I counted this many bridges,” said Pawket, while holding up seven fingers.

This announcement came several days after organizers admitted to another error, involving the course length for the half marathon event held last Sunday which was over half a mile shorter than the correct length, which meant that the runners’ times were all invalid.

“The plan is to change the name, which means that we will have to change all of our logos and signs,” said Pawket. “We would be thrilled if someone just constructed another bridge instead.”

Music community comes together to look at Stratton Tingle’s dreadlocks


SoundCorps, the new Chattanooga-based nonprofit organization created to boost the local music scene and to view Stratton Tingle’s hair style of dreadlocks, held their launch party last night at the new Revelry Room.

Photo via facebook.com
The who’s who among the Chattanooga music community movers and shakers all gathered to rub elbows with a primary objective to stand in awe at the sight of Tingle’s mass of matted hair.

“The primary objective of SoundCorps is to bring the Chattanooga music community together to form one big cohesive unit to look at my dreads,” exclaimed SoundCorps dreadlocks owner/Executive Director.

“I’ve participated in multiple musical projects over the last decade or so,” said local musician Brian Richardson. “I’m glad those years of dedication and practice have allowed me to join other musicians in gazing upon Mr Tingles head of free love flowing dreadlocks.”

Transgender comedian Ann Coulter entertains UTC campus

Comedian Ann Coulter (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9iTZXA)
Comedian Ann Coulter (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9iTZXA)

The popular transgender comedian Ann Coulter (born Andrew Hart Coulter in 1961) entertained the campus of the University of Tennessee Chattanooga (UTC) today, delivering her edgy stand-up act as a satirical ultra-conservative figure, in the same vein as Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report television show and columnist Ed Anger of the Weekly World News tabloid.

Originally slated to appear at the Comedy Catch, Coulter’s set was relocated to the UTC campus, and one day after the Tennessee Valley LGBT Pride march, her brave appearance served as a milestone in UTC’s history, marking the first time a transgender comedian has appeared at the university.

During her riotous stand-up set, Coulter addressed a heckler by saying, “Grow a pair, babycakes,” while gesturing toward her own real testicles, which are purportedly the size of avocados.

Coulter frequently incorporates her transgender identity into her stand-up act, once saying, “I’m more of a man than any liberal,” and her side-splitting caricature of a hardcore right-wing pundit caused the audience to erupt with laughter throughout the performance.