September 2019

Tennessee American Water manages to drain Tennessee River during IRONMAN

During the swimming portion of the IRONMAN triathlon this morning, Tennessee American Water managed to drain the Tennessee River somehow as participants were reaching mile 1 of the 2.4-mile course. Sources believe the company was able to break yet another water main and miraculously pump river water and all its contaminants into customers homes.

“One minute I was swimming for the gold and the next I was laying on the bottom of the river floor next to a pile of cell phones,” explained IRONMAN participant Ronald Marshall. “Luckily, I was able to retrieve my bike and ride the rest of the way.”

“I was filling the bathtub and receiving IRONMAN updates on the radio, and all of a sudden the water became a nasty brown,” explained Chattanooga resident Gary Sanders. “I was even more confused when a dead carp flopped onto my loofa.”

We have reached out to Tennessee American Water for comment, but haven’t heard anything per usual.

David Blaine to return to Chattanooga to drink glass of unboiled tap water

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After performing last year at Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theatre, street magician and death-defying endurance artist David Blaine said that he would be making a surprise return to Chattanooga this weekend to perform one of the riskiest stunts of his career: to drink an entire glass of tap water that has not been boiled, despite Tennessee American Water’s precautionary “boil water advisory” in effect after a major water main had broken and was repaired.

“David is off the chain with this stunt,” said local fan Wendy Tudanna. “This is a guy who shot himself in the mouth on purpose, catching the bullet in a metal cup held between his teeth. He was suspended over the River Thames for 44 days in a Plexiglas case. But I’m genuinely afraid for him with this stunt.”

Residents urged to conserve water except hospitals, bikini car washes

In response to a water outage caused by a 36-inch water main break, Chattanooga residents are urged to conserve water while service is being restored, except for hospitals and bikini car washes.

“Please, let’s all try to be responsible citizens during this challenging time, and only use water for the most important reasons, like when there is an urgent medical need, or if you are running a smokin’ hot bikini car wash,” said local officials.

“Emergency supplies of water are being delivered to local hospitals, for those with medical conditions, and bikini car washes, to ensure that there are enough pails of soapy water to wet down those slippery, magnificent curves on hot, sweaty bods, scrubbing away at dirty cars under the sweltering sun, on these last days of summer, before our youth wastes away and is but a faint memory, like the fading scent of honeysuckle as we danced barefoot in the forest with wildflowers in our hair,” officials said.

Ample supply of local craft beer to replace water

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After a water main break occurred Thursday evening, disrupting water supplies to areas including downtown and North Chattanooga, local breweries came to the rescue by replacing water with delicious craft beer.

“As you know, there have been over 70 new breweries that have opened up in Chattanooga in the last five years,” said local brewer Carter Govlet, the owner of the brewpub Beerly Legal. “We could fill up the Tennessee River with craft beer, if we wanted to.”

Utility workers were able to use existing piping at breweries to pump craft beer into water supply pipes, allowing residents to conduct their normal, daily activities using beer instead of water.

“We even figured out a way to have two different beer varieties flow through the water supply system,” said Kat Pratdon, brewmaster of Pret-a-Porter. “If you turn on your hot water tap, you’ll get a nice, creamy stout, with notes of Kona coffee and chocolate truffles. Turn on your cold water tap, and you’ll get a floral IPA, with sweet citrus tones and a woody, hoppy aroma.”

“Please, go about your daily routines, and enjoy the decadent luxury of completely immersing yourself in a bathtub full of premium beer,” said Ashley Visconte, brewmaster of the brewpub Beer, Uncertainty and Stout.