Culture

Daniel Tiger unleashes profanity-filled tirade against Rep. Fleischmann after public TV, radio funding cuts

Published on
//

After the Corporation for Public Broadcasting announced that it would be shutting down, due to Congress rescinding $1.1 billion for the CPB that was previously allocated, Daniel Tiger sent a critical, profanity-filled message to Rep. Chuck Fleischmann.

“Bitch, you better step the fuck off, you complicit little shit and spineless, kowtowing beta worm, wasting time writing pseudo-intellectual Objectivist masturbation fantasy remainder-bin novels and giving tax cuts to billionaires and adding massive national debt for future generations instead of trying to help educate and nurture our children and making our country safer and better informed,” said Tiger in an open letter to Fleischmann.

A recent Harris Poll survey revealed that a wide majority of Americans supports federal funding for public radio, with 77% of Republicans agreeing with the statement “I rely on public radio emergency alerts and news for my public safety.”

“My main man Mr. Rogers sends you a double fuck-you salute from heaven,” said Tiger. “Motherchucker.”

Rep. Chuck Fleischmann’s new book just the words “Fuck You” repeated 50,000 times

Published on
//
Excerpt from the book "Fuck You" by Rep. Chuck Fleischmann

After releasing his first fictional novel, “Once Upon an Empire,” earlier this year, which has earned a “1.8 star” rating (out of 5 stars) on Goodreads, Rep. Chuck Fleischmann has released his first foray into non-fiction, “Fuck You,” which consists solely of the words “Fuck You” repeated 50,000 times.

“I’m very proud of my new book,” said Fleischmann. “It reflects exactly how I feel toward my constituents, after I voted in favor of the ‘One Big Beautiful Bill Act’ which will add 3.3 trillion dollars to the national debt, leave almost 12 million people uninsured, and give major tax cuts to my dearest friends, and when I say ‘dearest’ I mean ‘richest.'”

“It’s also important that I release my novels as soon as possible, while my constituents still largely know how to read,” said Fleischmann, perhaps hinting at his voting record with regards to education.

Currently, Fleischmann’s book “Fuck You” has earned a “1.9 star” rating on Goodreads.

Chattanooga Bystander’s 2023 in Review

Published on
///
District 52 Tenn. Rep. Justin Jones with megaphone

March: Lipstick-wearing Bugs Bunny arrested for defying TN drag show ban

Bugs Bunny in drag

April: Hero Kid Rock shoots aggressive Bud Light cans in self-defense

Kid Rock shooting cans of Bud Light

May: TN House Republicans introduce megaphone ban after Covenant Shooting

District 52 Tenn. Rep. Justin Jones with megaphone

June: Crypto influencer Gary Vee says “Shitty NFT scribbles are the future of finance” 
Grown man introduces childish hen-scratched cartoon characters with a straight face, such as Grifter Grizzly Bear, Ponzi Panda, Speculative Bubble Bumblebee, and Pump-N-Dump Penguin.

"VeeFriends" NFT and Gary Vaynerchuk (inset)

September:  Local school admins completely baffled by wave of teachers quitting their low-paying, soul-crushing, glorified-babysitting job

Teacher contemplating her life's mistakes including becoming a teacher

October: Rep. Fleischmann almost becomes new House Speaker and when we say “almost” we mean “not even close”

Text messages from Rep. Chuck Fleischmann to Donald Trump

Armed right-wing militia members take post outside Mr. Burrito Grill in case threat of “Mr.” removal arises

Published on
/

After news that Hasbro might be removing the “Mr.” from its classic Mr. Potato Head toy, a group of conservative-leaning militia members has assembled outside of the popular eatery “Mr. Burrito Grill” in an effort to provide what they call ” freedom protection”. Experts believe the group is doing anything they can to protect what they are calling “the sanctity of men” and nothing would be more harmful to their wellbeing than seeing the word “Mr.” removed from a building.

“He’s a MISTER burrito grill for a reason,” explained one militia member Brandon Houseman. “You take away his manhood then it’s just a burrito grill, I can buy them things at Big Lots”.

Sources say the group did not keep post long as temperatures rose above 70 degrees in the afternoon and also discovered does not provide a discount for being fake military.

D.C. rioters upset by Kanye, Kim breakup, suggests Rep. Fleischmann

Published on
/

After rioters carrying Trump flags stormed the U.S. Capitol yesterday, Congressman Chuck Fleischmann told a WDEF reporter “I don’t know what is motivating these people” and then later added that maybe the possible impending divorce between Kanye West and Kim Kardashian was the reason.

“It’s really heartbreaking, because I’ve been pulling for those two wacky lovebirds on their crazy rollercoaster ride of life, love and laughter,” said Fleischmann. “I had to listen to Yeezus on vinyl in my underground bunker to console myself.”

“I’m upset too, but I will always condemn violence, whether it comes from the right, the left, the center, or rabid Kanye and Kim fans,” said Fleischmann.

Megachurch to add snake handling, live tigers to packed, maskless services

Published on
/

After receiving criticism for holding indoor church services with hundreds of people without distancing or mask requirements, a Cleveland megachurch decided to step up their faith by adding snake handling and live tigers to their services, during a time when Tennessee was ranked first in the nation for new COVID-19 cases per capita.

“Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek, but he also taught us not to be pussies,” said churchgoer Clyde Tamrenn. “Man, having these tigers just roam free is taking my faith to the next level, even though they’re kind of spooked by the loud music and all the jumping and singing and people falling down crying.”

“Y’all, dig on this double dog determinism from my main man John Calvin: God already knows if each of us is preordained to eternal life or eternal damnation, along with the interpretation of divine foreknowledge and omniscience that can be compatible with metaphysical free will,” said Tamrenn. “So even if we choose to party with these rattlesnakes and wild tigers, whether or not we get poisoned and horribly mauled is up to God’s will.”

“So likewise, I can choose to walk across a busy highway without looking, and if I die, then hey, God’s will,” said Tamrenn. “At least I’m not a pussy, like Satan.”

Times Square New Year’s Eve Ball also running for City of Chattanooga Mayor

Published on

Since everyone else is, a representative of the New York City Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration ball announced the inanimate object is throwing its name in the hat to become the City of Chattanooga Mayor in 2021. A spokesman says the ball plans to roll on down to the scenic city around 12:01est tonight.

“New Year’s Eve Ball will be fighting for working families while “dropping” the crime rates around the city, get it?”, explained New Year’s Eve ball campaign manager Todd Smith, while trying to social distance away from a large growing group of more mayoral candidate campaign managers.

Coffee News to pick up publishing Right2Know after TFP drops it

Published on

After the Chattanooga Times Free Press announced it would stop publishing mugshots on its Right2Know website, a representative from local publication Coffee News announced they will take over issuing the popular series beginning with next week’s issue.

Experts believe the inclusion of the Right2Know service will be a meat and three restaurant waiting area patrons one-stop-shop for farmers market locations, Buddhist monk quotes, and names of those arrested for domestic assault.

“We are making a few tweaks to the service to make it more reader-friendly,” explained Coffee News writer Rusty Erics. “We will change the “2” to spell out “to” and include the astrological sign of each arrestee.”

Everyday heroes: adult bookstore donates 1,000 gimp masks to local hospitals

Published on
/

A Chattanooga adult bookstore has responded to the issue of limited supplies of face masks for medical personnel and caretakers, in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, by donating 1,000 gimp masks to hospitals.

“It warms my heart to see such an outpouring of kindness and generosity during this challenging time,” said local bondage enthusiast Ashley Umswig. “And these are high-quality gimp masks, too, made of genuine full-grain black leather.”

This donation comes at a time when local residents have volunteered to create homemade masks for medical professionals, in preparation for possible shortages.

Medical experts do not recommend using ball-gags for protection against communicable diseases such as COVID-19, because they do not provide adequate coverage.

10-person gathering limit devastates local orgy community

Published on
//

Shockwaves were felt throughout Chattanooga’s orgy community after Tennessee Governor Bill Lee signed Executive Order 17, which prohibits social gatherings of more than 10 people.

“How am I supposed to get off by having sex with less than 10 people?” said local swinger and orgy enthusiast Kelly Tristhem. “All I’m asking for, and this isn’t much, is to have my wildest fantasies fulfilled by bathing in a giant ocean of flesh and genitals, all flopping around, while everyone is greased up and wearing masquerade masks, moaning and making animal noises and writhing with ecstasy and orgasmic pleasure.”

Citizens are currently strongly advised to stay at home and avoid contact with other people while COVID-19 cases are swiftly increasing unless absolutely necessary, due to health and safety reasons, and state authorities have unveiled their new pro-masturbation campaign with the slogan: “Masturbation: it’s sex with someone you love.”

1 2 3 … 17