March 2024

Rep. Fleischmann to circumcise self to show support for Israel

Rep. Chuck Fleischmann announced that he would circumcise himself to demonstrate support for Israel, at a press conference outside Memo’s Chopped Wieners on MLK Blvd. today.

This announcement comes after video emerged of Fleischmann telling activists “Goodbye to Palestine” and saying “I will never support you” directly to one.

“Critics have accused me and my party of reducing everything to just right and wrong, black and white, us and them,” said Fleischmann, whose religious affiliation is Catholic. “Well I can tell you one thing for sure: my wiener is either chopped or unchopped, and starting today, I’m chopped, baby!”

“Although I’ve got a very steady hand, I was thinking of hiring a mohel, and I know one who offers a cut rate,” said Fleischmann, garnering laughter. “Just a little off the top, please. I kid. He actually does it for free – he just takes tips.”

Police Academy enrollment skyrockets after adding “Naked Lady Catching” training

Enrollment in Chattanooga’s Police Academy training has reportedly skyrocketed, after the addition of a new training course on how to catch naked ladies.

The training course was added after a video went viral this week, showing two police officers attempting and failing to catch a naked lady running away from them near Highway 153, with one officer slipping and falling and the other officer shrugging after the incident.

Following the video’s release was overwhelming public outrage over the lack of necessary training for police to deal with such incidents.

“Yes, it’s true that police need serious training to deal with situations like facing active shooters or having to sing the national anthem,” said Chattanooga resident Scottie Kommeda. “But, gosh darn it, they also need the proper training to grab and tackle wet and wild naked ladies who are on the loose, with their bits all flippety-floppety.”

The comprehensive new training course, which will be required for all police officers, will include tactics for catching naked ladies who may be covered with a variety of slippery substances, such as baby oil, Jello, and movie theater butter.