January 2017

Trump takes credit for local jobs created to protest Trump


President Donald Trump took credit, in his inaugural speech, for creating tens of thousands of local jobs that are directly related to protesting Trump.

“Believe me, this is all part of my economic plan for America,” said Trump. “I want all of these protest signs, t-shirts and hoodies to be American made, not in some Chinese sweatshop.”

“When you burn effigies of me in the streets, I want those to be top-quality effigies, made by American hands from American cotton,” said Trump.

“Take for example the Women’s March on Chattanooga,” said Trump about the march happening today at 3 p.m. at Coolidge Park. “Protesting is tiring work, and protesters will stimulate the Chattanooga economy by buying food, coffee and post-march massages from nearby businesses.”

“I’ve known all along that the more outrageous things I say and the more unethical things I do, the more people will protest, and protesting is part of the new economy,” said Trump.

Eddie Pontiac turns down inauguration musical invite


Local musician and Mexican restaurant staple Eddie Pontiac announced he had declined an invitation to play at Friday’s inauguration for President Elect Donald Trump.

Pontiac, who many call the man with the golden voice, has entertained Mexican restaurant patrons for over 20 years.

Experts believe Pontiac opted to decline the invitation to perform due to prior commitments of playing for 8 hours Friday evening at El Mason.

“While many people will be kind and brake for me, I will not brake for Trump this Friday,” explained Pontiac, while strumming thru a rendition of the Joker.

Trump cites Harrison Keely morning videos as only credible news source

After weeks of railing against so-called “fake news” sources, President-elect Donald Trump announced he only trusts from morning anchor Harrison Keely. The announcement comes as a surprise as Keely has apparently not reported morning news in many months.

Trump shocked the nation when he called CNN a fake news organization during a press conference this morning. Experts believe Trump has a fondness for Keely, mostly because of his early morning news reports since Trump is usually already awake from trolling Twitter all night.

“Believe me, no one can be trusted more than Harrison Keely, I can tell you this”, explained Trump. “Go to the internets and Google “Harrison Keely” and you’ll find high energy, especially in a video called Yellow Journalism.”