July 2016

Chattanooga Whiskey just one loyalty card punch away from free building

After announcing plans to possibly/maybe expand operations into a former car dealership, a representative from the local liquor company Chattanooga Whiskey surprised onlookers by revealing a “plan 4 expansions get 1 free” Chattanooga commercial real estate punch card.

Over the last several years, Chattanooga Whiskey publicized plans to expand into at least three separate buildings, but was deterred after issues with building structures, local codes, and the threat of actually making whiskey.

Luckily, the company was able to obtain and cash in on a Chattanooga commercial real estate loyalty member punch card promotion of winning a fifth building free after threatening or actually moving into four other ones.

“Our main goal is to bring Whiskey to the people,” explained Chattanooga Whiskey spokesmen Tim Pheasant. “Our second goal is to exploit a loophole where a punch doesn’t require the company to ever really move into an overhyped building. Old history museum, here we bluff.”

Incline Railway hits fifth Pokemon Go player

Just two weeks after the release of the popular cell phone application Pokemon Go, a spokesmen from the Incline Railway says the train smashed into its fifth victim this afternoon. The tragedy comes after numerous reports from around the globe of players being hit in the streets by moving vehicles from being sadly pre-occupied by a smartphone video game.

Sources say all five victims trespassed onto the track, rudely unaware and carefree of friends and family yearning for time spent together to celebrate life and our existence instead of having their head buried in a video game on a cell phone.

“One minute you’re in a trance trying to catch a Pikachu on fenced-off railway, the next you’re somehow hit by a train traveling at 9 miles per hour,” explained Incline spokesmen Jeff Darwin.

City officials are taking measures to keep tragic events like this from happening again. Plans are in the works for splitting city bikes lanes into half Pokemon Go lanes, but they’ll probably be hit anyway as most people still drive there.

Local Dems seek more Wilkinsons for State Senate race

Area Democrats are seeking to raise more Wilkinsons for the State Senate District 10 race, to face Republican incumbent Todd Gardenhire.

“It’s all about the Wilkinsons!” said Rowan Thirth, Director of the Hamilton County Democratic Party. “Gotta have more Wilkinsons if we want to defeat Gardenhire.”

The District 10 Democratic Party primary race currently has three candidates: Highland Park organizer Khristy Wilkinson, Chattanooga deputy administrator Nick Wilkinson, and entrepreneur Ty Wilkinson, who recently announced that he had changed his name from Ty O’Grady in order to meet the demand for more Wilkinsons.

“Fellow Democrats, I urge you to ask all your friends with the last name ‘Wilkinson’ to enter this race,” said Thirth.

Early voting begins this Friday for the primary, which will be decided on August 4.

“Wilkinson!” said Thirth. “Wilkinson, Wilkinson, Wilkinson, WILKINSON!”

Khristy Wilkinson (l), Nick Wilkinson (r)
Khristy Wilkinson (l), Nick Wilkinson (r)

Bella Vita lights appear for local bar’s two-year anniversary

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During preparations for the Chattanooga bar and restaurant, The Bitter Alibi’s two-year anniversary¬†celebration, employees were shocked to discover a massive search light had appeared on the third floor of the establishment. After further examination, the spot lights were uncovered to be from the troubled Southside nightclub Bella Vita, whose giant florescent display has not been seen for sometime.

Experts believe the lights were removed from Bella Vita due to multiple complaints of being a nuisance to nearby neighbors. Others believe the lights were taken by bookies demanding past payments for sports bets.

“We heard some sort of ruckus on the third floor,” exclaimed Bitter Alibi owner Mathis Bowers. “We were shocked to find a ginormous spot light, which reeked of Coors Lite and Axe body spray.”

Sources believe the lights should be a sign for the bar to open a fourth floor night spot called the “More Ultra Lounge,” where patrons won’t have to worry about drive by shootings due to the massive number of broken down vehicles in front of the building.

Walmart offers wine to dull pain of shopping at Walmart

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The department store and supermarket chain Walmart began offering wine in its Tennessee stores today in order to let customers dull the pain of having to shop at Walmart.

“This is great news,” said local shopper Blake Wolfhund. “Whenever I shop at Walmart on a Saturday afternoon, after a few minutes of enduring screaming, out-of-control children or fashion atrocities from people who just don’t give a shit about looking presentable, I think to myself, ‘Jesus Christ, I could really use a drink.'”

In conjunction with the wine-sale roll-out, Walmart has offered ideas for unique food pairings involving snack food favorites.

“Some fancy-pants wine shop might have some snooty wine and cheese tasting,” said store manager Dale Misuca. “Instead, we suggest that you try ‘Wine and Cheetos’ or ‘Wine and Cheez-Its’ for a culinary experience on a budget.”

Wine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5hzBMg)
Wine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5hzBMg)