March 2016

“Best Cave” contest nominees include Ruby Falls, your mother

Nominees for a national contest, held by USA Today‘s “10 Best” site, to name the “Best Cave” in the U.S. include local attractions Ruby Falls and your mother.

“Every year, thousands of visitors come inside these vast, timeworn depths, that are always a little cool, damp and some would say even a bit spooky,” said Chattanooga Director of Tourism Kelly Furrina. “But enough about your mother. Ruby Falls is quite popular, too.”

Voting ends on April 11.

Super Soaker 50 named Chattanooga’s official water gun


After Tennessee officials announced plans for a .50 caliber rifle as the state’s official rifle, Chattanooga officials have named the Super Soaker 50 as the city’s official water gun.

Experts believe the Super Soaker is a neutral weapon, which does not expose the penis size of those calling for a state gun.

“Behold, the River City weapon of choice,” exclaimed councilman Chris Anderson, while leaning over and filling a Super Soaker tank full of Tennessee River water from Ross’s Landing.

Superintendent Rick Smith to provide clear, prompt communication about vacation plans

Rick Smith on spring break (Modified under CC-BY-SA-2.0. Source:
Rick Smith on spring break (Modified under CC-BY-SA-2.0. Source:

Hamilton County Schools Superintendent Rick Smith announced today at a press conference that he would provide clear, prompt communication to the school board about his vacation plans.

“It is my solemn duty to keep the school board and the public informed about how I spend my vacation,” said Smith, who would be on leave before retiring on July 1. “I’ll post selfies every day to Facebook and Instagram, whether I am on the beach in Cancun or riding my four-wheeler through the mud in my backyard.”

“At the end of each day, I will provide metrics regarding how many beers I drank and how many chicken wings I ate,” said Smith, who was wearing sunglasses, shorts and a Kid Rock t-shirt.

“My personal best is 62 wings in one sitting,” said Smith proudly. “And those were hot wings. Breaded.”

Smith was criticized for waiting over two and a half weeks before holding a news conference to inform the public about the Ooltewah High School basketball team rape case and withholding from the school board for several months a highly critical report from the Tennessee Department of Education about the poor academic progress of the five lowest-performing Hamilton County schools.

Last week, the school board voted to not grant a $269,000 buy-out of Smith’s contract, and even without a buy-out package, Smith will receive a pension of approximately $95,000 a year, plus more than $234,000 in vacation pay.

“Spring break starts early for this guy,” said Smith, while pointing at himself with his thumbs. “After this press conference, I’m heading down to Daytona Beach to work on my tan.”

“Spring break! Woo!” said Smith, before pulling up his shirt to reveal his chest.

Turmoil-ridden Ooltewah High changes name to Oolte-WTF

After several months of turmoil, Ooltewah High School announced that it would change its name to “Oolte-WTF High School.”

“Sweet Jesus, this has been a wild ride,” said principal Tracy Cayrns while walking amid chaos that resembled a scene from the film Red Dawn. “We’re just going to be honest with everyone and change our name to reflect what a batshit-crazy place this school has become.”

In addition to the high-profile Ooltewah basketball team rape case, last week the majority of students was absent due to three shooting threats that were written on bathroom walls, and yesterday, a police report was filed regarding an Ooltewah football coach who allegedly sent nude pictures to a 17-year-old student and made plans to have sexual intercourse.

“I’m sure one day, things will be back to normal, but until then, just call us Oolte-WHAT…THE…FUUUU,” said Cayrns as a group of bears had just been spotted running into the school.

Confused Gov. Haslam blocks band Foreigner from state

Gov. Bill Haslam (CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Gov. Bill Haslam (CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

Several months after Governor Bill Haslam asked the federal government to stop sending Syrian refugees to Tennessee, he took measures today to block the rock band Foreigner from entering the state, before the group was scheduled to play Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theater.

“It’s a matter of security to be careful regarding who we take into our state,” said Haslam, who appeared to be confused about the situation. “This Foreigner is coming here from a long, long way from home.”

“I don’t want to be as cold as ice, but we must proceed with caution,” said Haslam. “We have to take action now, to prevent potential radical Islamists from entering the state.”

“It’s urgent,” said Haslam. “Urgent. Emergency.”