Dirk Savage

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

Bella Vita lights appear for local bar’s two-year anniversary

Published on
/

During preparations for the Chattanooga bar and restaurant, The Bitter Alibi’s two-year anniversary celebration, employees were shocked to discover a massive search light had appeared on the third floor of the establishment. After further examination, the spot lights were uncovered to be from the troubled Southside nightclub Bella Vita, whose giant florescent display has not been seen for sometime.

Experts believe the lights were removed from Bella Vita due to multiple complaints of being a nuisance to nearby neighbors. Others believe the lights were taken by bookies demanding past payments for sports bets.

“We heard some sort of ruckus on the third floor,” exclaimed Bitter Alibi owner Mathis Bowers. “We were shocked to find a ginormous spot light, which reeked of Coors Lite and Axe body spray.”

Sources believe the lights should be a sign for the bar to open a fourth floor night spot called the “More Ultra Lounge,” where patrons won’t have to worry about drive by shootings due to the massive number of broken down vehicles in front of the building.

City Councilman Chris Anderson goes on Twitter tirade after being unable to sign in to MySpace account

Published on

Just hours after a horrific shooting in an Orlando Nightclub, Chattanooga City Councilman Chris Anderson decided it would be a good idea to use social networking as a platform to air his grievances with a group of government officials. The aim of his attack was to point out the fact that many of these officials have spoken out against the LGBT community in the past. Little did he know, his quest to achieve such a feat would come to a screeching halt after seeing the frightening phrase, “login not correct.” At the blink of an eye, the target of his internet rage would be directed to someone else.

Apparently unaware of his long departed tenure with the company, Chris Anderson delivered as series of devastating tweets to MySpace creator Tom Anderson (no relation). Also known as MySpace Tom, Chris felt a sense of betrayal since Tom was in his top MySpace friends for so long.

Screen Shot 2016-06-17 at 2.59.14 PM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anderson then pointed his grievances to current MySpace co-owner Justin Timberlake.

Screen Shot 2016-06-17 at 3.09.02 PM

 

 

 

 

 

 
Many Chattanooga interneting experts believe Chris Anderson should explain his actions and issue an apology to the community.

“Chris Anderson, delete your MySpace”, demanded local pundit David Fartin.

Service entrance of local Mexican restaurant named top new make-out spot

Published on

After a poll given to local participants with shit-filled underpants, a local Mexican restaurant’s service entrance was named the area’s best new make-out spot. 

The restaurant’s service entrance beat out past favorite make-out spots, including a climate-controlled storage facility in Cleveland. 

Since Chattanooga was named “Best Town Ever” this past year, experts believe the new make-out spot will be a must visit for tourists, including the TBI. 

“Whenever I take a lady there, the smell of discarded Mexican food really gets us in the mood,” said one local romancer about the new make-out spot.” I always hope I can get her to go all the way, or as I call it, install a bike lane.” 

Young, aspiring politician pleads for pellet gun related violence to end

Published on
/

After a brutal 24 hours of horrendous events in Chattanooga, which saw misleading social media posts and wounds that required the 45 minute-later care of a small band-aid, one local politician is pleading with the community to stop this new onset of terrible violence.

“While the Chattanooga area has never seen this sort of horrific violence, leaders in our community must come together and pass legislation to make these types of weapons difficult for such heinous criminals to obtain, or at least cut off their supply of CO2.” said the young politician.

Bystanders believe the latest wave of violence was a scuffle between two area gangs: those who have confederate flag vehicle decals and those who don’t.

“When will the violence end? Hashtag Noogastrong,” exclaimed one onlooker.

Local gangs agree to truce over bathroom bread thawing

Published on
///

After weeks of relentless violence, representatives from Chattanooga area gangs have agreed to a cease fire. Members say the shocking revelation of a local restaurant thawing out their sandwich bread in bathrooms have rendered members in a disgusted state where the willpower to continue drive-by shootings and stabbings has stopped.

“Shooting up a house over claiming public property to be yours must be done on a full stomach,” explained local gang member Jeffrey Stephens. “Just the thought of enjoying a tasty sandwich that has been exposed to poo-particles, leaves me without an appetite to continue my childish and moronic profession.”

Harrison Keely returns from Vegas, purchases Times Free Press

Published on

After striking big in a hand of Go Fish during a Las Vegas casino game, former Chattanooga resident and Times Free Press reporter announced his return to the publication with the intention to buy it.

Keely left the Times Free Press back in January for a career as a Vegas show dancer, but received numerous complaints due to his insistence on wearing loose fitting suits.

“My first goal is to turn the entire paper into a 3 to 4 minute web only video everyday, explained Keely. “Next comes the purchase of Nooga.com and making Sean Phipps my pool hunk.”

Super Soaker 50 named Chattanooga’s official water gun

Published on
/

After Tennessee officials announced plans for a .50 caliber rifle as the state’s official rifle, Chattanooga officials have named the Super Soaker 50 as the city’s official water gun.

Experts believe the Super Soaker is a neutral weapon, which does not expose the penis size of those calling for a state gun.

“Behold, the River City weapon of choice,” exclaimed councilman Chris Anderson, while leaning over and filling a Super Soaker tank full of Tennessee River water from Ross’s Landing.

Downtown IMAX debuts $1.2 million LaserDisc player

Published on
/

After a series of setbacks and being unable to find the proper composite cables and adapters, the Tennessee Aquarium finally unveiled its $1.2 million LaserDisc player to a group of confused onlookers. The change comes after a much needed upgrade to existing IMAX facilities and a recent yard sale LaserDisc lot score from a local yard sale.

Officials hope the cutting edge technology, which was originally from the 1980s and early 90s, will be a hit and draw a croud to the downtown IMAX location.

Some future titles for the new LaserDisc projection include: Vanilla Ice presents Penguins, Safarin’ with Kato Kaelin, and Hubble: Pixelated

“We plan to keep the old IMAX technology around to play short videos to audiences while we switch or flip discs every 30 minutes or so,” explained IMAX spokesmen Larry Sanderman.

“I could have sold them one from my parents attic for 5 bucks,” said onlooker Jerry Heed.

Harrison Keely leaving Chattanooga to become Las Vegas Showgirl

Published on
/

It’s a sad day for Chattanooga and quite possibly the country as Times Free Press internet spokesmen Harrison Keely has announced he is leaving the publication and city to become a Las Vegas morning Showgirl that you need to know for today.

Keely, who became synonymous of being the first damn thing you see when logging onto Facebook in the morning and believing Las Vegas is a west coast city, made headlines in recent years by being voted the sexiest Chattanoogan on the internet, sole TFP survivor after a massive house clearing, a victim of leaked topless photos, and a failed attempt as a new Subway spokesmen. Other things have happened as well (do a search).

As a new Las Vegas showgirl, Keely plans to incorporate his charming voice, personality, and soul patch into his act. The former Lee College graduate with a major in fancy singing/dancing, has always believed the life for him was on the Vegas strip.

“Ever since my Lee roommates and I downed about 2 to 3 Mountain Dews, stayed up past 8:30, and caught a showing of “Showgirls” on TNT, I knew Showgirl life was the life for me.” explained Keely.

A replacement for the Times Free Press morning anchor has not been announced at this time. Possible candidates include Basil Marceaux dot com and Stratton Tingle’s dreadlocks. 

On behalf of the Chattanooga Bystander, we wish Harrison Keely good luck and thanks for taking all our shit.

Mayor Berke advises citizens to put bread and milk on tires

Published on
//

After a wave of icy rain and sleet wreaked havoc over the Tennessee valley this morning causing wrecks and collisions on many road ways, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke issued a statement advising residents to coat the tires of their vehicles in bread and milk.

“While stores around the area have been selling bread and milk like milky bread hot cakes, I see no reason why these items can’t be applied to the tires of vehicles,” explained Berke. “Bread and milk will help gain traction to tires on icy roads while people check their phones for the latest in school and business closings while driving.”

1 … 8 9 10 11 12 … 17