February 2019

TVA accidentally releases the Kraken during flood preparations

During preparations for possible historic flooding this week, it was announced that TVA engineers accidentally released the Kraken while emptying out water reservoirs.

Sources say that while TVA was working with the Army Corps of Engineers to prepare for excessive water levels, the Navy, Air Force, Marines, and new Space Force have been additionally called in to deal with the recently released Kraken.

“Things are running rather smoothly as we being emptying the locks in prepOHHH SHHITTTTT”, explained TVA engineer Randy Davis, while being dragged into the depths of Lake Chickamauga by the mythical Kraken.

School closings blamed on children not vaccinated for cooties

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Hamilton County Schools were closed today due to illness, and an outbreak of cooties was to blame, despite the wide availability of a vaccine.

“It may look like innocent hand-holding, but let me tell you, boys and girls, spreading cooties is no laughing matter,” said school nurse Pat Grundersen. “And if you’re not vaccinated, don’t even think about sharing a milkshake, even while facing each other with two separate straws, like you’re in a dang Norman Rockwell painting.”

Experts point to the anti-vaccination movement and the misconception that vaccines cause autism, which has long been debunked, as the root cause of this local cooties epidemic.

This year, there has been a measles outbreak in Washington state, and according to the CDC, up to 56,000 flu-associated deaths can occur annually in the United States alone.

“You know all those Precious Moments angel figurines? You ever wonder why they’re in heaven?” said Grundersen. “Cooties.”

Police recommend putting nacho cheese in pockets to thwart pickpockets

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After video footage was released of a pickpocket stealing a woman’s phone at a convenience store, Chattanooga Police recommended that people put nacho cheese in their pockets to discourage theft.

“Don’t be a victim, especially to some douchebag thief who dresses like Silent Bob’s friend Jay,” said officer Terry Maptrost. “The best way to thwart would-be pickpockets is to fill your pockets with nacho cheese.”

Maptrost advised that any liquid cheese would do the job and said that using slices of American cheese was not recommended.

“You’ll also want to avoid hard cheeses, like Pecorino, cheddar or Gouda,” said Maptrost. “Ladies, just squirt a few pumps of nacho cheese into your purse, and you’re good to go.”

“Imagine the look on some jerkwad’s face when he withdraws his hand from your pocket, not holding a wallet, but covered with warm, gooey nacho cheese,” said Maptrost. “Busted! This is na-cho lucky day, sucka.”

Fleischmann changes stance on border wall after listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”

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Congressman Chuck Fleischmann withdrew his support for the proposed Mexican border wall after listening to the concept album “The Wall” created by the British rock band Pink Floyd.

The change occurred while Rep. Fleischmann and Tennessee Governor Bill Lee were roadtripping from Washington, D.C. back to Tennessee, after Lee was Fleischmann’s guest at last night’s State of the Union Address from President Trump.

“Bill and I wanted to get some quality bro-time in, so we decided to roadtrip back together,” said Fleischmann. “Bill grabbed a stack of tapes, a few bags of Takis and a 6-pack of Faygo, and we were good to go.”

“After a Creedence tape, we got to Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall,’ which I had never heard before,” said Fleischmann. “Man, that album blew my mind.”

“It got me thinking: is this proposed Mexican border wall really for protection, or is it merely the reflection of our troubled psyche, bearing scars of humiliating childhood traumas, betrayal and relationship turmoil?” said Fleischmann. “Maybe the combination of Takis and Faygo had something to do with it, but listening to that album made me realize that each of us is building a wall, right inside our soul.”

Fleischmann announced plans to have another spiritual quest, involving eating large amounts of spicy corn chips and listening to Pink Floyd’s “Money,” in order to help develop a new economic policy.