September 2015

Edgy “Best of the Best” awards gala hosted by “Worst of the Worst”

Award gala (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: Inset: Chattanooga Police's "Worst of the Worst"
Awards gala (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: Inset: Chattanooga Police’s “Worst of the Worst”

This year, for the Chattanooga Times Free Press‘ annual “Best of the Best” awards gala, organizers took it into an edgy, new direction by having it hosted by the 32 criminals deemed the “Worst of the Worst” by the Chattanooga Police Department in 2013.

Accusations of being racist were not only levied against the Police Chief at the time, Bobby Dodd, for compiling the list of criminals who were all black men, but also to the Times Free Press for its front page coverage of the list, with mugshots of all 32 men.

The awards gala hosts who were currently serving prison sentences attended as part of their public service obligations, wearing their orange prison uniforms with shackles around their ankles and wrists.

“This year’s award for ‘Best All-Around Restaurant’ goes to…J. Motherfucking Alexander’s!” said one host. “Aw shit, maybe next year, Cheddar’s!”

“The 2015 award for ‘Best Chattanoogan’ goes to…Julie Baumgardner, President and CEO of First Things First,” said another host, before a roar of applause. “Damn, girl.”

Pope Francis stopping in Chattanooga to compete in IRONMAN


Jorge Mario Bergoglio aka Pope Francis announced during his visit to the United States that he plans to make a stop in Chattanooga over the weekend. He surprised onlookers by revealing he has entered the IRONMAN competition.

imageThis marks the first time in history that any living Pope has participated in the IRONMAN competition.

“Blessed be the IRONMAN competitors, who shall be destroyed by this old Pope,” exclaimed Pope Francis, while slipping into a white pair of blessed biker shorts.

Pope assistants reportedly applied tire upgrades to the Pope mobile bike to protect against the impending tar and nails in the Lafayette portion of the race.

VW offers pumpkin-spice emissions system for rigged diesel cars


VW_pumpkinJust in time for the fall season, automaker Volkswagen announced today that it would offer a pumpkin-spice emissions system as a stopgap measure for its controversial diesel cars that were programmed to only use full emissions controls during official testing.

“Sure, these diesel cars may emit up to 40 times the acceptable limit of unhealthy pollutants, but now, you’ll also get a whiff of a delightful pumpkin spice fragrance,” said a Volkswagen spokesperson. “It’ll make you think of Mom’s pumpkin pie or taking a brisk walk through a forest with beautiful fall colors.”

VW halts “inflatable passenger” option for carpool lane users

Inflatable passenger (l), VW logo (r)
Inflatable passenger (l), VW logo (r)

Automaker Volkswagen has halted plans to offer an “inflatable passenger” option in new cars for carpool lane users after allegations emerged from the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) that the software running on 482,000 diesel cars – including the 2014 and 2015 Passat manufactured in Chattanooga – was essentially a “defeat device” for emissions testing.

The inflatable passenger option would allow the driver, when driving alone, to activate a freon canister to inflate a blow-up doll in the passenger seat and to avoid scrutiny when using the High Occupancy Vehicle lanes during weekday morning and afternoon commutes, which by law can only be used by vehicles with two or more occupants.

High Occupancy Vehicle lanes are designed to reduce congestion and encourage people to carpool in order to reduce the pollution caused by car emissions.

According to investigators, Volkswagen admitted that the defeat device was installed, which would recognize when an official emissions test was occurring and turn on full emissions controls only during that time.

Emissions testing has measurably improved the air quality in Hamilton County since 2004, when it did not meet the Federal Standard.

Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn offered an apology for breaking the trust of their customers and added, “You win this round, Mother Nature. Just watch your back, granola queen.”

Weston Wamp rescued from hot, locked car


Weston Wamp
Weston Wamp
A local woman was hailed as a hero this afternoon after rescuing former Congressional candidate Weston Wamp from a locked car in 88-degree weather in the Hamilton Place Mall parking lot.

“I was on my way back to my car, and I saw him, just sitting there in the back seat of a car, completely drenched in sweat with a sad look on his face,” said Chattanooga resident Vanessa Ormundy.

Ormundy ran to her car and retrieved a tire iron, with which she shattered the passenger-side window before unlocking the door and pulling Wamp out of the car.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has advised that it can take as few as 10 minutes for the temperature inside a car to jump around 20 degrees, even if the windows are open.

A small group of people applauded Ormundy after witnessing the rescue.

“I thought to myself, ‘If I don’t do something, this little guy is going to die,'” said Ormundy. “Anybody would have done the same thing.”

Artisanal coffee shop bans hipsters in well-thought-out plan


Coffee (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Coffee (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
The artisanal, high-end coffee shop Grounds For Divorce announced that it had banned all hipsters from entering its premises in a well-thought-out plan.

“Nobody wearing a vintage t-shirt or neon plastic sunglasses or carrying a book by Jacques Lacan or Chuck Palahniuk is welcome here,” said a spokesperson for Grounds For Divorce.

“Hey, all you guys wearing skinny jeans: you look like fucking idiots,” said the spokesperson. “Go drink a PBR somewhere else.”

“Who would want to enjoy a delicious cup of coffee while surrounded by a bunch of trendy fuckers, anyway?” said the spokesperson, whose words echoed through the empty coffee shop.

Marco Rubio paints giant penis on MLK mural during visit

During today’s campaign stop in Chattanooga, Republican Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio took time from his tour of the city to make a stop by the up-and-coming MLK mural being painted by a group of local artists. While at the site, Mr. Rubio took it upon himself to draw a sizable penis and the words “Rubio 4 Prez”, ruining the work of dozens of talented artists over the last few weeks. rubio

“I was up on a crane finishing a few touch ups on my part of the mural, and all of a sudden I see Mario Rubio waving from the ground below me,” explained local artist Jonathan Levi. “The next thing I know, I’m hit over the head with a blackjack and wake up to see a sizable green penis above me.”

Knoxville imprisons Mayor Berke in Sunsphere after winning “Top Towns” battle

Knoxville's Sunsphere. Inset: Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke.
Knoxville’s Sunsphere. Inset: Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke.

After Knoxville defeated Chattanooga in the online “Top Towns” contest from Blue Ridge Outdoors magazine to determine the best outdoor city in the American South, it further asserted its dominance by imprisoning Mayor Andy Berke in the iconic Sunsphere.

“How d’ya like them apples?” said Knoxville mayor Madeline Rogero, while pointing toward the Sunsphere, which is serving as Mayor Berke’s golden cage. “Gig city, my ass.”

Mayor Rogero called a press conference in order to deliver a video message to Chattanooga, in the wake of the humiliating defeat.

“Quake with fear, citizens of Chattanooga, and bow down to your new leader,” said Rogero. “In the upcoming days, each of you will be fitted for your matching all-orange UTK sweatsuit uniform, then await my orders.”

The Chattanooga Police Department is planning a daring rescue mission for Mayor Berke, who is reportedly given two meals a day of Petro’s chili and chips and forced to listen to “Rocky Top” twenty-four hours a day.