June 2016

WUTC DJ quits using British accent after Brexit


Disc jockey and voice-over artist Richard Winham, heard on the local radio station WUTC, shocked listeners when he stopped using his distinctively urbane British accent after hearing the results of Brexit referendum, concerning the withdrawal of the United Kingdom from the European Union.

“This news got me shakin’ like a hound dog trying to crap out a peach pit, I tell you whut,” said Winham, with a heavy Southern drawl.

Although the London-born DJ moved to the United States in the early ’70s and has worked for WUTC since 1987, until now he had kept his British accent intact.

“Got an ideal I reckon I might could hunker down in the holler for a spell and hit the shine like Cooter Brown,” said Winham. “Sheeeeeeeit.”

“Make America White Again” candidate seeks to ban tanning salons

Independent candidate Rick Tyler, who is in the race for Tennessee’s 3rd Congressional District, generated controversy due to a campaign billboard that read, “Make America White Again,” and he unveiled his plan to keep Tennesseans as pale as possible by first banning tanning salons.

“I long to see the day when I look around and just see a bunch of people who look like Edgar Winter, smiling back at me,” said Tyler.

“Tanning salons are an abomination,” said Tyler. “How can you improve upon a beautiful, pasty white ass, like mine? When I moon people, they say it’s like staring into the goddamn sun.”

Tyler has vowed to ban both traditional and bronze-spray tanning salons, along with any other skin-darkening method, with an exception made for blackface makeup.

City Councilman Chris Anderson goes on Twitter tirade after being unable to sign in to MySpace account

Just hours after a horrific shooting in an Orlando Nightclub, Chattanooga City Councilman Chris Anderson decided it would be a good idea to use social networking as a platform to air his grievances with a group of government officials. The aim of his attack was to point out the fact that many of these officials have spoken out against the LGBT community in the past. Little did he know, his quest to achieve such a feat would come to a screeching halt after seeing the frightening phrase, “login not correct.” At the blink of an eye, the target of his internet rage would be directed to someone else.

Apparently unaware of his long departed tenure with the company, Chris Anderson delivered as series of devastating tweets to MySpace creator Tom Anderson (no relation). Also known as MySpace Tom, Chris felt a sense of betrayal since Tom was in his top MySpace friends for so long.

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Anderson then pointed his grievances to current MySpace co-owner Justin Timberlake.

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Many Chattanooga interneting experts believe Chris Anderson should explain his actions and issue an apology to the community.

“Chris Anderson, delete your MySpace”, demanded local pundit David Fartin.

Riverbend Festival ’16 – Prohibited and Allowed Items

Riverbend (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4UqSDB)
Riverbend (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4UqSDB)

Planning on enjoying the sweet, sweet sounds of Riverbend ’16 on the Chattanooga riverfront this year?

If so, please take note of the festival policies, including the following lists of prohibited and allowed items.


* Backpacks
* Pets
* Skateboards
* Bicycles
* Laser pointers
* Coolers
* Camcorders
* Audio equipment
* Outside food
* Outside beverages
* Refillable containers
* Water gun filled with vodka
* Water gun filled with warm beer
* Water gun filled with pickle juice
* Water gun filled with water

* Handguns (with carry permit)
* Blankets and lawn chairs


Riverbend makes deal to present 2016 Bonnaroo lineup 25 years from now

Bonnaroo (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bWXzV4)
Bonnaroo (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bWXzV4)

Organizers of the annual 9-day Chattanooga music festival Riverbend have signed a historic deal to present every act performing at the Bonnaroo festival this weekend at a future Riverbend Festival, 25 years from now.

“We just saved ourselves a ton of effort,” said head Riverbend organizer Ginger Dewarr. “We can’t afford those fancy-pants Bonnaroo headliners today, but since we locked in this deal, we’re paying pennies on the dollar to have them play Riverbend in 2041.”

“It’s kind of like buying day-old bread for half-price,” said Dewarr.

The Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival in Manchester, Tenn. begins today and features many established artists such as Pearl Jam, Jason Isbell and LCD Soundsystem alongside hot, newer acts like Haim, CHVRCHES and Tame Impala.

Riverbend begins this weekend with headliners who packed arenas decades ago, including Heart, REO Speedwagon, 38 Special and Blood, Sweat & Tears.

“Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam is 51 years old now, and he’s headlining Bonnaroo,” said Dewarr. “How thrilling and more meaningful will it be to hear him sing, ‘Oh I’m still alive’ when he’s 76 years old, at Riverbend?”