Dirk Savage

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BREAKING: TFP rehires Drew Johnson as new head Chattanooga Bystander editor.

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It was just announced that the Chattanooga Times Free Press has rehired fired reporterDrew Johnson to head their new Chattanooga Bystander division of the paper. Times Free Press bought the Bystander this morning in a multi-million dollar deal.

“We reached a deal and let bygones be bygones,” said Times Free Press president Jason Taylor. “We’re excited to see what kind of shit Mr. Johnson can pull with the Bystander, then we will probably can his ass again.”

Bryan College requires staff to sacrifice first-born sons.

In a news release by Bryan College President Stephen Livesay, it was announced that all staff members must vow to sacrifice their first-born sons to stay employed by the school. Livesay explained the new requirement comes with Bryan’s new “bible or bust” policy.

Many believe the policy stems from the recent public Creationism vs. Evolution debates, featuring Creationist Museum founder Ken Ham and TV personality Bill Nye.

“I expect all faculty and staff to conduct themselves in a biblical manner, and we’re taking this shit old testament”, said Livesay.

Bryan staff has been given a March 31st deadline, in which they must bring their first-born sons to the school’s sacrifice grounds and complete the offering to President Livesay.

 

UTC to hold “Fuck Month” in April

In response to UT’S “sex week” controversy in recent weeks, a University of Tennessee Chattanooga spokesman announced plans for the school to host its first ever “fuck month” this April. UTC

“We all know college is pretty much a giant fuckfest with some studying in between, so why officially celebrate it for just a week? said UTC Fuck Month organizer Summer Nastanovich.

UTC event organizers announced large purchases of tarps, lube, saddles, and flavorful condoms have been made in preparation for upcoming festivities.

Code for America Chattanooga announces successful hack of former Mayor Ron Littlefield’s AOL account.

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Earlier today, a spokesman for the Chattanooga 2014 Code for America project announced their first big accomplishment for the year.

The announcement comes just mere weeks after the initial meet up with local coders and government officials alike.

codeforaol“We believe city government transparency reaches far beyond current high level office holders,” explained Chattanooga Code for America spokesman Douglas Toddman aka rogueneo69. “That is why I am proud to announce we have successfully hacked former Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield’s AOL password.”

Mayor Berke tapped the Code for America group in 2013 to help Chattanooga in reaching three of his top goals for the area – safer streets, civic engagement, and uncover greasy shit on the Internet.

“I believe Chattanooga citizens have the right to know what Nigerian Prince money transfers and penis enlargement pills that past and present city Mayors partake in,” said current Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke.

“We’re excited about the new projects Mayor Berke has brought to the table,” said Toddman.” All I can say is any councilman with a Christian Mingle account, you best watch your ass.”

Councilman Chris Anderson to be recalled for not being “Gay Enough”

In the coming days, residents of Chattanooga’s District 7 community are set to bring forth a petition to recall elected councilman Chris Anderson, for what citizens are calling “promises made he failed to keep.”

District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson
District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson

Anderson was elected in March of 2013 over incumbent Manny Rico.

“When we elected Mr. Anderson, we were promised someone who we believed would embody the spirit of LGBT community,” said East Lake resident Clearance Baker. “I have yet to see any confetti cannons, glitter bombs, or ass-less chaps from our Councilman, and that just ain’t right.”

Anderson was very vocal about his support of domestic benefits for same sex couples in the area. Critics of Anderson believed he should have been more “flamboyant” in his stance.

“Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a wonderful man and could probably do some good for our community,” exclaimed Baker, “but at least he could throw on a pink wig or oversized sparkling sunglasses in the process.”

Chattanooga area gangs set to settle feud in a dance off

In a press conference held this morning in front of an East Lake community Church, members from opposing Chattanooga area gangs announced they would finally settle their differences in an old fashioned dance off.

gangsLeaders announced the dance off would be held in a neutral territory. McKenzie Arena and the Memorial Auditorium are among the areas being considered.

Judges for the scheduled dance off will include: Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke, Times Free Press resident gang expert David Cook, and gang truce founder Reginald “Joker” Oakley.

“It’s time to put down the motherfucking glock and bring out the break dancin’ box”, explained local gang leader Jamal Jeffers. “No longer will blood be spilled on these jazz hands.”

BREAKING: Deceased prostitute discovered in trunk during Rossville area “Trunk or Treat” event

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According to witnesses, a deceased prostitute was discovered during a local “Trunk or Treat” event at an unnamed Rossville area church.

TRUNKBystanders reported the prostitute was discovered under a KFC bucket of candy in the trunk of an unmanned vehicle during the event.

“One minute you’re dressing your kid up as their favorite Duck Dynasty character, the next you’re sheltering them from the sight of a dead hooker,” explained local parent Terry Jeffers.

Hamilton County Schools may turn to capital punishment if corporal punishment is dropped.

In a press conference this morning with Hamilton County Schools superintendent Rick Smith, it was announced that Chattanooga area schools would employ a capital punishment policy if forced to give up corporal punishment.

punishmentThe announcement comes after a recent nationwide debate on whether or not school officials should still be able to issue corporal punishment to rowdy and unruly students.  It was uncovered that Chattanooga area schools were using corporal punishment techniques such as bare-assed cat o’ nine tail whips and atomic wedgies.

“We must provide swift punishment to these shithead students who break the rules during school hours with their MTV twerking and facetagramming tweets,” explained Hamilton county superintendent Smith. “I believe students will think twice if faced with a trip to the gas chamber or an electric chair.”

Some parents of local students are all for the new capital punishment techniques. Many believe the old system of corporal punishment just wasn’t enough.

“My son Jeremy started looking forward to being called a slut and slapped around by his principal in front of the whole school,” said Hixson High School parent Sherry Miller. “I can only pray that the threat of standing before a firing squad will make him think twice before sagging his Levi’s”

BREAKING: Hits 96 to become all Polka music station.

Chattanooga’s hit music station: Hits 96 announced their channel would soon become the area’s first all Polka music station.

The format change comes after Bahakel Communication owners decided to expand into new musical territory.

hits96polkaStation mangers plan to kick off the new format by giving away tickets to see multi Grammy winning Polka legend Jimmy Sturr in concert early next year in Vero Beach, Florida.  Listeners will also have the chance to win a free Accordion by outlasting others sitting in a Ford Probe.

“We thoroughly believe our listeners will be delighted with our sudden format change into the wonderful world of Polka,” explained Hits 96 DJ Brad Steiner. “Honestly, I didn’t know polka music existed outside of Weird Al Yankovic.”

Many high Chattanooga officials are not too fond of the new change for the former Tennessee Valley pop music radio giant.

“This is literally the worst thing to happen, ever,” explained Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke. “I have plans in the works to banish Steiner and Williams to the depths of a Whitwell hellhole.”

Delta Queen Riverboat to be relocated atop Walnut Street walking bridge

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After the announcement of Chattanooga’s own Walnut Street walking bridge as one of the top public places in America, a representative from the shunned neighboring Delta Queen Riverboat announced plans to relocate the boat atop the popular tourist attraction.

The Delta Queen has made news in recent months by being a target of Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke and his calling for the boat to be sunk to the bottom of the Tennessee River, where he would subsequently scuba dive to the depths of the river and urinate upon it.

deltaqueenAfter hearing this, it was reported that officials of the Walnut Street Bridge and Xanterra, owners of Delta Queen, met behind closed doors in one of the boats twin bed rooms to strike up a deal for the move. Experts believe the deal was sealed by late night intercourse, and was heard by patrons staying in nearby rooms through the paper-thin walls the vessel/hotel is known for.

“By relocating the Delta Queen to the Walnut Street bridge, Berke would be fucking with one of America’s best tourist traps if he decides to rid Chattanooga of the riverboat,” said Xanterra official Terrance Bridges, “I don’t believe the mayor wants that kind of blood on his pretty little hands.”

“We’re excited of the new possibilities this move will bring,” said Kathryn Davis, a spokeswoman for the Walnut Street Bridge. “Looking forward to Wine over boat over water in 2014!”