The warmth of the hot Friday night lights isn’t the only heat one may soon feel during a local weekly high school Football game. Area High School Football coaches are upping the ante in pre-game rituals by performing human altar sacrifices in hopes to come out on top.
Recent polls have shown that many coaches and players are turning to pre game prayer for the Lord God to bless them with a big win over the opposing team. According to local assistant coach Jim Standifer, sometimes prayer just isn’t enough.
“After losing our first few games of the season, we questioned if locker room prayer was truly helping,” said Standifer, while lighting a bundle of kindle for use as a torch. “We hope The Lord almighty will accept our human sacrifice of fullback number 23: Matthew Lewis, and bestow upon us a win over our arch rivals this Friday.”
Parents and fans of many local football teams believe prayer and sacrifices are still not enough. Some are calling for the construction of biblical temples in end zones and player’s helmets display a copy of the 10 commandments.
“If it comes down to it, we’re not above slaughtering a string of first born Quarterbacks,” exclaimed Standifer.
In celebration of their 4th year of providing world renowned Internet service, EPB officials announced they will begin offering 56k dial up, free of charge.
“We are using our state of the art smart grid technology to ensure every customer has unprecedented access to our wonderful new dial up internet service,” explained EPB spokesman John Pless. “We believe this to be some next level shit for what the Gig City has to offer.”
EPB also announced for the 4 year celebration an additional free email account for internet subscribers and RFDTV in high definition for the Fi TV lineup.
A spokesman for the Eastgate Town Center announced today the facility will become home for a new large scale landfill for disposing waste from local Chattanooga trash services. Eastgate Town Center, formerly known as Eastgate Mall, is a one million plus square foot facility that officials believe will be “ideal” for housing waste running over from existing Chattanooga landfills.
“Why not cut the shit and officially call a dump a dump,” said Eastgate spokesman Jerry Nelson. “Will mixing the existing smell of shitty diapers and rotting food with more of the same be such a big deal?”
City officials hope to create 50 more jobs with the new project. A majority of hires will come from ITT tech grads and lost mall walkers.
“I think there’s a call center, insurance folks, and a clothing store or something still in this place,” said Nelson. “I doubt they’ll really notice the stench over the existing stench.”
LAZYMAN Chattanooga spots sold out in two minutes after registration opened around 11:00 am this morning.
LAZYMAN, which is the common man’s answer to the Ironman triathlon, is the first of its kind for the scenic city.
The prize purse for the event will include a $35 dollar gift certificate to Ryan’s Steakhouse and a one-on-one meet-and-greet with Chattanooga’s own Dennis Haskins.
Activities for LAZYMAN will include: a 26.2-mile ride in a Ford Aerostar, a sponge bath and a 10 minute quiet session to think about purchasing a bike.
The event will take place sometime in September of 2014, if weather permits.
During a press conference this morning at Lake Winnepesaukah’s “Wet Spot” location of Soak Ya, a representative from the amusement park announced a partnership with Six Flags to build the world’s longest waterpark. The announcement came just a few days after Six Flags Over Georgia unveiled plans to open its own water park in 2014.
The joint water park will span a total of 120 miles from Rossville to Atlanta and feature many slides, lazy rivers and sewage system plunges, and entrance to the park can be accessed from either existing location.
Six Flags season pass holders can gain access to the park for a $10 upgrade to their season pass, and Lake Winnepesaukah visitors can upgrade their normal day pass for $750 for access.
Officials from the state of Georgia said the new water park will replace any plans for a bullet train from Chattanooga to Atlanta.
“It might be slower, but what beats a lazy river?” said a Georgia representative.
Last night at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards, Pop Music sensation Miley Cyrus gave a performance that many are calling “somewhat controversial”. The performance caused quite a stir on Twitter and left the thousands in attendance for the awards show in shock and disgust. We took to the streets and asked several mothers from around the Tennessee Valley area what they thought of Ms. Cyrus’ performance:
“Our own Lauren Alaina would have never pulled that crap!” – Becky Sanders. Rossville.
“The only “twerking” she needs to do is shake her little tush into a pew at the Crossing.” – Donna Williams. Chattanooga.
“How am I supposed to explain to my 7 year old daughter that Hannah Montana is now a whore?” – Susan Beekman. Red Bank
“Why would she do such a thing to Alan Thicke? Isn’t he like four times her age?” – Karen McGillicutty. East Ridge.
“This is the straw that finally told her fathers achey brakey heart.” – Sally Childers. Hixson.
“Pure Shit” – Monique Berke. Chattanooga
Following the announcement of making Chatype the office typeface of Chattanooga, Mayor Berke issued a mandate that all visible text within the Chattanooga city limits must be converted to the new font.
“Today marks a historic day in the history of Chattanooga, and even the world,” exclaimed Berke. “We must go Chaballs out and do this thing right!”
Chatype, which began as a Kickstarter crowd-funded project early last year, gained support worldwide for its uniqueness, being the first project of its kind. Many Chattanooga neighboring cities, such as Rossville, have tried such projects, but failed when the finished products produced botched versions of Comic Sans.
“I have created a new Chatype task force to vigorously and aggressively work around the clock toward the completion of the conversion,” explained Berke. “They will not stop until every street sign, graffiti tag, National cemetery headstone and manhole cover has been outfitted with Chatype.”
“We expect for all citizens of our great city to comply with the new mandate,” said Chattanooga Police Chief Bobby Dodd. “Those naysayers who fail to follow orders could be met with hefty fines, jail time or even have their MacBooks taken away.”
GIGTANK’s “Demo Day” on August 6 brings together in “Gig City” Chattanooga some of America’s brightest, perkiest and most promising entrepreneurs, who will pitch their technologies to a panel of experts. Who will emerge from the GIGTANK victorious and who will get tanked? The Chattanooga Bystander profiles the startups and their ground-breaking, innovative ideas.
“Are you one of the thousands of people who are looking to spruce up your website into a Chattanooga government approved web orgasm,” asked CHATASITE CEO Derek Peters, to a panel of GIGTANK 2013 judges. “Well look no further than our new startup entitled: CHATASITE!”
CHATASITE is a local startup that uses the same technology and logic behind the controversial Chattanooga.gov $328,000 makeover several years ago. Customers can input the URL of their existing website via a web form, pay the measly $328,000 and receive a custom makeover within 6 to 8 months.
“CHATASITE has the amazing ability to take all text, even those included in pictures, and convert them to Chattanooga’s own Chatype font,” explained Peters, to a roar of applause from the audience. “We even have the spectacular technology to include moving background images and links to the client’s Facebook and Twitter accounts!”
“What CHATASITE has to offer is really astonishing,” said GIGTANK attendee and GPS student McKinsey Adams. “My parents have the 328 grand, and I have the Twilight fan page that is right up its alley.”
Just 24 hours after his dismissal from the Chattanooga Times Free Press for his controversial headline about President Obama’s visit to Chattanooga, writer Drew Johnson announced he has been hired by the North Georgia Busy Shopper weekly publication.
“It’s been a dream of mine to write for a paper whose main objective is to find great deals on useless shit,” exclaimed Johnson. “I cannot thank the Times Free Press enough for canning my ass and allowing me to take this opportunity.”
Many believe Johnson’s firing was a consequence of his strong anti-Obama views, contrary to the Times Free Press’s reason of his changing the originally approved headline. Likewise, Johnson has become somewhat of a hero in the conservative news world, appearing on celebrity Mormon Glenn Beck’s House of Fun program and Fox News’s Fox and Pals.
Johnson hopes to get right to work with the Busy Shopper, as soon as he returns from his media circuit.
“We’re really excited for Mr. Johnson to join our team,” said Busy Shopper editor Nancy Bowls. “Here, there is no man to keep him down, mostly because we’re a predominantly female staff.”
photo: contributed