Warehouse Row opening earlier to accommodate influx of elderly hipster mall walkers

Due to the opening of popular hipster clothing stores Anthropology and J Crew, officials from Warehouse Row announced the mall will begin opening at 5 am to accommodate the influx of elderly mall walkers, who will no doubt be of the hipster persuasion.

hipsterwarehouserow“While we welcome our new early risers,” said Warehouse Row spokesmen Shirley Thompson, “no plans are in place to open a Hardees or Golden Corral.”

Officials believe new kiosks of gluten free Branch’s candy will attract new elderly hipster mall walkers, who will hang around and reminisce about Bob Hope, before he was popular.

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