Francis Porkloin – Page 29 – Chattanooga Bystander

Rep. Scott DesJarlais pre-pays fines for future sex with patients

Published on May 24, 2013

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.), who represents Tennessee’s 4th congressional district and also practices medicine in Jasper, Tenn., was fined $500 Thursday by the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners for “unprofessional conduct,” citing sexual relationships he had with two of his patients in the year 2000.

Critics have deemed the fine to be a slap on the wrist, for DesJarlais’s acts which went against Tennessee law and could have resulted in suspension and revocation of his medical license.

The $500 fine—$250 for each of the two incidents—was levied to DesJarlais at the Nashville headquarters of the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners, with the board members giving DesJarlais stern looks while wagging their fingers and saying, “Bad Scott. Bad Scott.”

“Hell, if I knew it would have been this easy, I would have nailed more of my patients,” said DesJarlais, who decided to pre-pay fines for similar planned offenses in the future. “The price is $250 a pop, right? $250 and all night I can shag her rotten?”

“What the hay, this round is on me,” said DesJarlais, as he pulled out his checkbook and waved his arm around. “Who do I make this out to?”

“All y’all doctors here, I’ve got you covered. Each of you can bang one of your patients,” said DesJarlais as he filled out a check. “Dr. Love is in the house! Woop woop!”

Just Busted magazine offers new dating service

Published on May 22, 2013

Business

Just Busted magazine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/8pomkN)

Just Busted is a Red Bank, Tenn.-based weekly publication that features mugshots taken from police department arrest records, with several editions covering various regions across the nation, and the magazine’s publishers announced at a press conference yesterday that they have expanded their operations, now offering a dating service to allow readers with romantic intentions to contact the criminal suspects documented in their magazines.

“Naughty girls need love too,” said co-founder Tilda Rutterford. “How many times have you thumbed through Just Busted, come across the pretty face of some fine young thing and thought to yourself, ‘I’d hit it’?”

For willing participants, suspects can add personal information to their profiles such as hobbies, turn-ons and turn-offs, displayed underneath their mugshots, at no cost, while those interested in contacting the suspects will be charged a small fee.

“Take a look at this strapping lad, Craig,” said Rutterford while holding up the new edition of Just Busted. “It says his nickname is ‘Little Caesar’ because he’s hot and ready. I’ll say! I’d let this fellow stick a shank in me, if you know what I mean.”

“Here’s a rugged-looking man, Desmond, arrested for domestic assault,” said Rutterford. “His hobbies include wine-making, which he said he learned by making toilet-tank raisin jack while in the big house. I bet there’s an interesting story behind that!”

“Aw, look here at this sweet-faced young woman named Charlie, busted for prostitution,” continued Rutterford. “She said her friends call her ‘Charlie Chaplin’ because she’s a little tramp.”

“You might be thinking, ‘Why the hell are these people smiling in their mugshots?'” said Rutterford. “They’re smiling because they know that someone like you is going to contact them, hot stuff!”

Manny Rico makes amends with Chris Anderson after hot night of dancing at Alan Golds

Published on May 20, 2013

Culture/Politics

Former Chattanooga City Councilman Manny Rico sounded like a sore loser after his contender, the openly gay candidate Chris Anderson, defeated Rico for the District 7 City Council seat in the election earlier this year.

Rico stated, “Maybe we want a gay councilman. That’s what he ran on. That’s what disappoints me the most. It seems like we’re losing our morals,” as documented by the Chattanooga Times Free Press in a March 6 article.

According to staff reports, Rico made amends with Anderson early Sunday morning after the two spent a long night partying together at Alan Golds, a Chattanooga dance club that is known for being welcome to gay, bisexual, transgendered and straight clientele.

“I was completely wrong and just way out of line,” said Rico, wearing a torn Morrissey t-shirt while riding on the shoulders of a shirtless, muscle-bound black dancer with a shaved head. “Chris Anderson is a man who knows where it’s at.”

Rico and Anderson reportedly buried the hatchet after inadvertently meeting each other on the Alan Golds dance floor, right after Erasure’s “Always” began playing on the club’s sound system, and the two found common ground over a shared appreciation of the song.

“Jesus said to ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself,’ and I needed to be reminded of that. We are all brothers and sisters, after all,” said Rico to all present at Alan Golds, earning enthusiastic applause from a group of women wearing long, sequined evening gowns with conspicuously large Adam’s apples.

Anderson, wearing a tight, neon pink mesh vest, smiled and nodded as Rico held Anderson’s hand high in the air, striking a pose of strength and solidarity.

“Maybe it’s just the Jäger bombs talking, but I am thinking of changing my company, Rico Monuments, so that it is dedicated to making monuments to brotherhood,” said Rico, just past the 4 AM hour. “Chris Anderson may be gay by birth, but he is fabulous by choice.”

Little Debbie commemorates 175th anniversary of Cherokee removal with “Trail Mix of Tears”

Published on May 19, 2013

Business/Food/Drink

Known as part of the “Trail of Tears,” the forced removal of Cherokee people from the Southeast to the Indian Territory west of the Mississippi River began in May 1838, with this year marking its 175th anniversary.

While this was a regrettable episode in American history which resulted in an estimated 4,000 deaths of Cherokee people, the Collegedale, Tenn.-based McKee Foods Corporation, the parent company of the snack-food brand Little Debbie, is making it a little more delicious with the introduction of a limited-run snack product, “Trail Mix of Tears,” to commemorate the Cherokee removal.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon at Ross’s Landing—one of the notable Trail of Tears departure points bearing the name of Principal Chief John Ross of the Cherokee Nation—McKee Foods spokesperson Abel Hehnley introduced the new product, accompanied by a Little Debbie lookalike, wearing a Native American headdress instead of the straw hat seen in the brand’s logo.

“We must never forget the Trail of Tears, which was undeniably a dark moment in the fabric of our rich history,” said Hehnley, “and what better way to remember than with this scrumptious new snack food.”

“Whether you’re on a nature hike on Lookout Mountain or participating in a thousand-mile death march, Little Debbie’s Trail Mix of Tears will give you a boost of energy with a delectable mixture of fruit, nuts, beef jerky bits, seeds and maple and chocolate candy pieces,” said Hehnley. “We know you’ll love our new spin on pemmican, the Native American food.”

Free samples were handed out at the press conference, with the product’s packaging bearing a likeness of John Ross standing at Ross’s Landing with an outstretched hand, holding chocolate chunks, cashews and banana chips.

The reception of the new snack food was generally positive, with one attendee overheard as saying, “Genocide has never tasted so good!”

Chattanooga Police considers adopting UFC rules

Published on May 17, 2013

Politics/Sports/Rec

UFC logo (source: http://tinyurl.com/ufclogo)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Chattanooga Police Chief Wilfred Leistershire announced that the department is strongly considering adopting rules of the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, as guidelines for officers when apprehending criminals.

The police has endured criticism over the last few years with accusations of police brutality, with one prominent case involving suspect Adam Tatum, who suffered multiple fractures to both of his legs at the hands of Officers Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley, both of whom were fired after the incident.

“Being a police officer is incredibly challenging and both physically and mentally demanding, and in the heat of a struggle with a criminal, it can be easy to get lost in the moment, focusing on making sure that the criminal offers no threat to any officers or people around him,” said Leistershire. “Whether it’s slamming a suspect’s skull into the pavement five times or fifty times, it’s hard to draw the line at what is and isn’t acceptable.”

“UFC rules for mixed martial arts fighting matches are well-defined, and most of our officers are already familiar with them,” explained Leistershire. “In fact, we recruited many of our officers at UFC competitions.”

“Among the rules: no biting, no eye-gouging, no cock-punching, no hair-pulling and no oil-canning,” said Leistershire. “That last one, if you aren’t familiar with wrestling, means putting your thumb where the sun don’t shine.”

The proposal has not yet been approved, but Leistershire explained that if it passes, then officers will be issued loose-fitting shorts as their uniforms and will be encouraged to adopt intimidating names, such as Officer Kenneth “Thunderpants” Jinnem or Officer Stacy “Nutcracker Unsweet” Doyleen.

Serpentine Belt Guy and Poem Lady to be keynote speakers at 2013 Southern Creative Panhandling Convention

Published on May 7, 2013

Culture

Organizers of the Chattanooga-based annual 2013 Southern Creative Panhandling Convention have announced its final lineup of speakers, workshops and discussion forums, for this year’s event, featuring veteran downtown panhandlers Serpentine Belt Guy and Poem Lady being the keynote speakers.

The compelling, award-winning storyteller Serpentine Belt Guy will speak about the challenges of keeping the same story he has told for over a decade fresh.

An estimated 18,000 Chattanoogans and tourists have heard Serpentine Belt Guy’s tale, about being from out-of-town and needing the remaining funds to pay for an emergency serpentine belt replacement for his car; it is learned that, unfortunately, he has left his wallet on the dresser of his hotel room, but he offers a faded, dog-eared handwritten receipt as evidence for the veracity of his story.

Poem Lady’s lecture, entitled “Shiny Change for Shoddy Product” will educate and enlighten about the technique of being so annoying that people will pay you to shut up.

A venerable downtown mainstay, Poem Lady offers, in exchange for a modest payment, the spontaneous creation of poetry, which is of consistently poor quality.

The convention, which typically draws two-thousand panhandlers from across the nation and Canada, will be held at the Electric Shuttle stop in front of the downtown Buffalo Wild Wings.

Panhandler (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/aSp4ux)

Coolidge Park fountains to spray guacamole for Cinco de Mayo

Published on May 3, 2013

Culture/Food/Drink

Coolidge Park fountain (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/8Tkcke)

To promote multi-culturalism, the Chattanooga Department of Parks and Recreation announced yesterday afternoon at a press conference that this Sunday, the 5th of May, celebrated as the holiday Cinco de Mayo, the fountains at Coolidge Park on the North Shore would spray guacamole instead of the usual water.

“Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of freedom and democracy for both Mexicans and Americans, and what better way to commemorate this occasion than by showering our frolicking children with this delicious, verdant green foodstuff,” said Cassie Pellingham, the director of the Department of Parks and Recreation.

Pellingham explained that this idea was partially inspired by the decades-old Chicago tradition of dyeing the Chicago River green in observance of St. Patrick’s Day, and in 2009, even the First Lady Michelle Obama suggested that the water in the White House fountains be dyed green for that holiday.

“When people think of Cinco de Mayo, most folks think of obnoxious party-goers over-indulging in nachos with questionable white cheese dip and cheaply made sangria. But when I think of Cinco de Mayo, I think about freedom, tolerance and abundance, in addition to chihuahua races and novelty sombreros,” said Pellingham.

To symbolize abundance, it was decided to use some sort of liquid foodstuff in the fountains, and there was much debate over what substance to use, Pellingham said.

“First, we thought of using mayo, until someone pointed out that the ‘Mayo’ in ‘Cinco de Mayo’ means the month of May, and not mayonnaise, like most of us had thought,” said Pellingham. “Someone else suggested using salsa, but that was just a ridiculous idea.”

Mayor Berke takes diversity to next level by hiring Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein

Published on April 30, 2013

Politics

Diversity hands (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/av1aCV)

As Mayor Andy Berke continues to fill vacant positions in his administration, so far City Council members and constituents have praised the choices for their quality, expertise and diversity.

Leaving a crowd of reporters and Chattanooga residents in slack-jawed amazement, at a press conference yesterday afternoon Berke announced the appointment of Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein, which took his diversity game to a whole ‘nother level.

“BOOM!” said Mayor Berke while throwing a fistful of glitter into the air, after introducing the new director of Diversity and Inclusion, who entered the stage in a wheelchair. “Did I just DIVERSI-BLAST you?”

“Ms. Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein will make a great team member, drawing from her experience as a wounded Iraq War veteran, principal chief of the Osage Tribe, director of the Anti-Defamation League, chairman of the NAACP, Japanese kabuki actress and winner of the 2007 Eurovision Song Contest, which are just a few items from her impressive résumé,” said Berke.

“This one person represents 72 different minorities. Seriously, she is like freakin’ Cirque du Soleil and every single ad for the United Colors of Benetton wrapped up into one,” continued Berke.

Council members commended Berke’s appointment, including District 6 councilwoman Carol Berz, who said, “Berke just threw down, hardcore. This is some next level shit. It’s like he got his administration re-upholstered.”

Hamilton County Grand Jury recommends legalizing pot for those on jury duty

Published on April 28, 2013

Politics

Cannabis plant (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dxsNDZ)

Earlier this week, the Hamilton County Grand Jury, consisting of randomly selected residents who serve a four-month term, released its Concurrent and Regular Grand Jury Reports containing observations and recommendations for the Hamilton County Criminal Court.

Among the comments, such as those pointing out that “educational programs that are provided for the [Silverdale Detention Facility] inmates are essential” and that “law enforcement as well as correctional officers…seemed more than just a little over weight,” was one suggestion that has been gaining a lot of attention locally over the last few days: legalizing small amounts of marijuana for those on jury duty.

Last year, Colorado and Washington legalized marijuana for recreational use, although this is in conflict with federal laws, which still classify cannabis as an illegal controlled substance.

The Grand Jury reports explained that jury duty is a long, often demanding service, with juries seeing typically between 500 and 600 cases in a term, several of which involve intense and disturbing circumstances involving homicide or rape.

Legalizing marijuana in small amounts for jury members would allow them to “take the edge off” of the often stressful jury duty service, allowing them to think more clearly and see more acutely with their mind’s eyes.

Just “one big-ass bowl of some primo Acapulco Gold” would be sufficient for the entire jury, according to the reports.

The reports also recommended that the Hamilton County Court System should provide to the jury each day either a case of Krystal burgers or crunchy Taco Bell tacos, in case the jury got the munchies.

Chattanooga brothel was front for hypnosis clinic: “We will not tolerate hypnosis” says Police Chief

Published on April 27, 2013

Business

A hypnotist (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/6tKy9a)

Chattanooga Police cracked down yesterday on a local brothel that was discovered to actually be a front for an illegal hypnosis clinic, as part of a sting operation by the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation working in conjunction with local officers.

“We will not tolerate hypnosis in this city,” said Chattanooga Police Chief Stanley Molloney at a press conference yesterday afternoon, to a crowd of local residents and reporters.

“Not on my watch,” said Molloney, receiving cheers and applause.

Residents who live near the brothel, called Madame Chlamydia’s Discount House of Pleasure and Snack Bar, expressed shock and amazement that the establishment offered illegal services such as hypnotherapy and acupressure, instead of the expected acts of commercial fornication.

In an early morning raid, officers forced their way into the brothel, discovering dozens of rooms, each of which contained a bald, middle-aged Austrian doctor swinging a brass pocket-watch back and forth like a pendulum over a bleary-eyed client reclining on a chaise longue.

“I swear, I was just about to suck him off,” said one doctor, a runaway from Salzburg, who attempted to obscure his face with his tweed jacket with elbow patches, as he was being led out of the building in handcuffs by policemen.

“For heaven’s sake, my children go to school just one block away from here,” said resident Samantha Alisarin. “And to think, people were being hypnotized in there, and not getting a good old American hand job or something.”