Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Sofa King Juicy Burger inspires other edgy restaurants

Sofa King Juicy Burger logo
Sofa King Juicy Burger logo
The new restaurant Sofa King Juicy Burger in Red Bank, which officially opened its doors on March 12, has already garnered national attention from media outlets such as the Huffington Post for its name which contains a hidden expletive. Seemingly inspired by this idea, other Chattanooga restauranteurs have announced upcoming eateries that also feature edgy, memorable names.
  • Crêpe Fantasy Crêperie – In a television commercial for the Frazier Avenue crêperie called Crêpe Fantasy, a perky waitress asks a customer, “Are you ready to be crêped in the mouth?  You just look like you’re asking for it!” as she brings him a plate full of strawberry-covered crêpes, dusted with powdered sugar.  Rubbing his palms together in anticipation, the customer enthusiastically says, “Crêpe me!”  Crêpe Fantasy will offer a variety of both sweet and savory crêpes, including its own house specialty which features a special filling made from imported Bejjou and Gousbi dates, called the “Date Crêpe.”
  • Special Kneads Bakery – With a staff entirely composed of people with developmental and physical disabilities and disorders such as Tourette Syndrome, this Bluff View Art District bakery and coffee shop will offer artisanal bread, pastries and fresh-roasted coffee with colorful names such as “Shortbus Shortbread,” “Pineapple Upside-Down Syndrome Cake” and “Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte FICK! FICK! FICK! FICK!”
  • Burritos So Good You’ll Literally Shit Yourself – Vincent Sackster, founder and owner of Burritos So Good You’ll Literally Shit Yourself, is quick to point out that the Mexican food prepared at his restaurant uses freshly prepared ingredients (locally grown, whenever possible) but does not actually contain any laxatives.  “When people bite into my burritos, they will be so overwhelmed by the vibrant scents and flavors that they might possibly lose all control of their bodily functions,” commented Sackster.  The Main Street restaurant’s appearance is unique, with individual seats that resemble commodes and rolls of paper napkins mounted on the wall, as if they were toilet tissue.

Mystery man Don Bigfield chides Mayor-Elect Andy Berke at public forum

Outgoing Mayor Ron Littlefield, who was not in attendance at the public forum
Outgoing Mayor Ron Littlefield, who was not in attendance at the public forum

At a public forum hosted by Mayor-Elect and former 10th District State Senator Andy Berke regarding issues including economic development, public safety and education, a mysterious man by the name of Don Bigfield spouted harsh criticism for Berke, well before Berke’s inauguration date of April 15.

Five minutes into the forum, Bigfield, who wore a wig with long, black dreadlocks and over-sized Harry Potter-style glasses, blurted out, “So far, I haven’t heard one word about property taxes and storm water fees. How are you going to ensure that they aren’t too low?”

Holding a fingerstache to his upper lip, Bigfield loudly asked, “Why have you not developed a plan to establish an official Ron Littlefield Day yet?” referring to Chattanooga’s current mayor, who was not in attendance.

“Now there’s a good man,” Bigfield continued. “He sent me a Christmas card.”

After commenting that Chattanooga’s top priority is establishing a centralized resource center for homeless people, Bigfield pointed at Berke and said, with spittle flying from his lips, “You better get your act together, or people will try to recall you.”

Bigfield then pulled his cape over his face, threw a smoke bomb onto the ground, and disappeared.

Amazon, Chattanooga State to make city hub of expertise for “Walking Around and Picking Up Stuff”

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Amazon logo
Amazon logo

Following the success of the two Amazon Distribution Centers established in 2011 in Chattanooga and Cleveland, Tenn., which employ over two-thousand workers, Chattanooga State Community College has announced a new two-year degree, developed with the cooperation of Amazon, in order to keep up with the demand for specially skilled employees in the area.

Chattanooga State Provost Dr. Annise J. Zaffre explained at a press conference yesterday afternoon that the two-year degree, Associate of Walking Around and Picking Up Stuff (AWAPUS), features an intense, accelerated curriculum.

The first-year coursework concentrates on the finer points of the core competency of walking around, drawing from both the Stuttgart school of thought on the subject, and the opposing methods outlined by Danish walking expert Morten Sørensen-Rasmussen in his controversial 1980 treatise Kunsten at Gå: Et Skridt Fører til en Anden.

The second-year coursework expands upon the techniques and philosophies explored in the student’s first year, adding the proficiency of picking up stuff with weekly lab sessions, allowing students to practice their picking-up skills in a controlled laboratory environment before attempting them in a real industrial setting.

“Silicon Valley is known for its billion-dollar high-tech businesses. Dalton, Georgia is known for its vast carpeting expertise,” said Zaffre. “We hope, a few years from now, when people think about walking around and picking up stuff, they’ll think of Chattanooga.”

Students interested in registering for the degree program may visit the Chattanooga State campus and pick up a course catalog, featuring a stock photograph of a smiling female wearing business casual attire on its cover.

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