Francis Porkloin – Page 30 – Chattanooga Bystander

Corey Smith to debut new song “Firefighters Are Pussies” at Track 29

Published on April 25, 2013

Culture

Corey Smith (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9tpCKt)

Country-rock singer/songwriter Corey Smith and Chattanooga music venue Track 29 had a rocky start to their relationship, with his September 2, 2011 show being cut short after Smith began to play his controversial fan-favorite “F-ck the Po-Po” despite being asked before the show by the venue owners to not play that song.

Soon afterward, Smith penned a new track entitled “Chattanooga” about the incident, but since then Smith and Track 29 have buried the hatchet, with Smith even returning to Track 29 for a second performance one year after his first and releasing the concert as the album Live in Chattanooga.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Smith announced that he would make a third appearance this summer at Track 29 to debut several new songs, including the track “Firefighters Are Pussies.”

“I just want to make it perfectly clear that any controversy is long behind us,” said Smith. “I am proud of these new songs, and I believe that Track 29 is the perfect venue for me to present them to the world.”

When asked about the song “Firefighters Are Pussies,” Smith said, “I have nothing but respect for the good, honest, hard-working firefighters who protect us and save lives. But when I was eleven years old, I had a run-in with one bad apple, who took away my sparklers and bottle rockets at a Fourth-of-July barbecue.”

“He was a pussy,” Smith added.

“Firefighters Are Pussies” will be the first single off Smith’s upcoming album, entitled 9/11 Was an Inside Job, which will include other tracks such as “The Moon Landing Was Faked,” “Charles Manson Was a Spy for the F.B.I.” and “Joe Biden Was Born in Canada.”

This article is satire and fictional.

New City Council makes bombing illegal

Published on April 20, 2013

Politics

City of Chattanooga Seal in Manhole Cover form (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/C3Py)

The new Chattanooga City Council was praised for its quick, decisive action to make the act of bombing within city limits illegal, in the wake of the tragedy of the Boston Marathon bombing, when it was discovered today that it had been legal.

“Previous City Councils had totally dropped the ball on this,” said Councilman Ken Smith, standing over a huge, dusty book the size of an unabridged dictionary. “Before today, there was nothing in the rulebook that said you can’t make an improvised explosive device and detonate it within the city of Chattanooga.”

Within the span of one minute, the City Council deliberated the issue, drafted the new ordinance’s text and approved it unanimously, beating the previous record set when the business of fortunetelling using clairvoyance, necromancy or phrenology was made unlawful in 1986 (City Code Chapter 25, Section 25-9) in two minutes.

An additional six minutes were required for the City Council hunchback scribe, Lothar Silverbeard, to write the new ordinance in calligraphy in the official City Code tome.

“Also, there’s nothing in the rulebook that says that a chimpanzee in a clown suit riding a tiny motorcycle can’t run for public office, so we need to work on that next,” said Smith.

CreateHere’s ArtsMove program replaced by new “TakeTheMoneyAndRun” program

Published on April 17, 2013

Culture

TakeTheMoneyAndRun logo

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, a new grant program was unveiled, intended to take the place of Chattanooga’s ArtsMove grant program which was implemented in 2006 to encourage talented artists of all varieties to move to Chattanooga to stimulate the cultural growth of the city.

Artists who agreed to live in Chattanooga for a certain minimum length of time and who purchased housing in specific areas would be rewarded by having a significant portion of their mortgages essentially paid by the grant.

The grant program was enacted by the non-profit funding organization Allied Arts before moving to CreateHere in 2007; after CreateHere experienced its planned conclusion at the end of the year 2011, its so-called “White Dwarf,” administration of the ArtsMove program moved to the organization Choose Chattanooga.

As spokesperson Sandra Lautonne explained, program administrators noticed that a significant number of the grant recipients decided to move away from Chattanooga after fulfilling the minimum requirements of the grant.

“We discussed this phenomenon and thought, ‘Why not streamline the whole process?'” said Lautonne. “Let’s award valuable grants to out-of-town artists, let them move to Chattanooga and exhaust all local opportunities and resources as quickly as possible, and make it easy for them to swiftly move away, with little-to-no accountability.”

Thus, the TakeTheMoneyAndRun grant program was born.

Lautonne described how the program will challenge artists who have been loyal Chattanooga residents for years or decades to be more resourceful, careful and economical, since the TakeTheMoneyAndRun grant recipients will usurp the already meager local funding opportunities.

Additionally, after the TakeTheMoneyAndRun grant recipients move away from Chattanooga, they can become ambassadors for the city; Lautonne spoke about one ArtsMove grant recipient who has since moved to Brooklyn and wrote an article about her experience for the New York Times, entitled, “‘See ya, suckers!’: How I escaped the Chattanooga hell-hole.”

Mayor Berke appoints Basil Marceaux as Chief Advisor

Published on April 17, 2013

Politics

Basil Marceaux (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c6fpvca)

One day after being inaugurated as the mayor of Chattanooga, Andy Berke announced that Soddy-Daisy resident Basil Marceaux would serve in his administration as Chief Advisor, which was widely praised by both the media and constituents as being a brilliant move.

“In this constantly changing world, we need fresh, new strategies to deal with complicated issues that affect us and our families every single day,” said Berke at a press conference yesterday afternoon.

“With years of campaign experience and a diverse background as an entrepreneur, inventor and United States Marine, Marceaux will bring his valuable wisdom and innovative problem-solving skills to my team,” said Berke. “Few East Tennesseeans have received as much national attention as Marceaux has for his outside-the-box thinking and his original ideas.”

“We have many challenges ahead of us,” said Marceaux after taking the podium, to deafening applause. “I have already developed a five-point plan to identify the strengths of our new leadership and administrative structure, so that we can target our problems and tackle them with the most effective resources at our disposal.”

“The public has spoken, and it is clear that economic development, public safety and education are the key issues that need effective solutions,” said Marceaux with his typically articulate and coherent voice.

“It is my solemn vow to serve Andy Berke’s administration and the City of Chattanooga, to take action and help create a better world for a new generation of Chattanoogans, as sure as my name is Basil Marceaux dot com,” said Marceaux.

Missy Crutchfield negotiates deal for Human Centipede sequels to be shot in Chattanooga

Published on April 10, 2013

Culture

Still from the original Human Centipede film (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/cex6s6d)

In recent years, several Hollywood films have been partially shot in Chattanooga, including Leatherheads starring George Clooney, Water for Elephants with Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson, and the Jackie Robinson biopic 42 starring Harrison Ford, with another film, Will To Succeed featuring Helen Hunt, scheduled to start filming later this year.

Marking another victory for the film industry in Chattanooga, Founding Administrator Missy Crutchfield of the City of Chattanooga’s Department of Education, Arts & Culture announced at a press conference yesterday that she had successfully negotiated a deal with Dutch film director Tom Six and his studio Six Entertainment to have the fourth and fifth installments of the Human Centipede series filmed in Chattanooga.

“This will not only bring a great deal of work for those in the film industry here in Chattanooga, but also the local hospitality, tourism, and food-service industries will benefit as well, pouring as much as $1.4 million dollars into the area,” said Crutchfield.

The first film of the series, The Human Centipede (First Sequence) gained notoriety for its incredibly disturbing subject matter, about a deranged German doctor who kidnaps three tourists–two American women and one Japanese man–and surgically attaches the three of them together, connecting the mouth of one to the anus of the other, forming the titular creature.

It was followed by The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), which many critics considered to be even more revolting than the original, and the third installment, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) is currently in production.

Although the third film was originally intended to be the last film of a trilogy, Six was inspired by talks with Crutchfield to keep the franchise going for at least two more films, enjoying financial incentives provided by the City of Chattanooga but with one stipulation: the films must be uplifting in some way.

Scheduled to be filmed in the fall of 2013 in Chattanooga, The Human Centipede 4 (Small Hadron Shitcollider) will tell the story of a group of scientists who connect twenty people, human-centipede-style, into a ring-shaped configuration after feeding them some bad salmon, causing the resulting fecal matter to be propelled at astronomically high speeds around and around, allowing the scientists to test various theories about particle physics.

Following in 2014 will be the filming of The Human Centipede 5 (Assholes Across America), which involves a billionaire philanthropist who devises a plan to have volunteers form a human centipede that spans the entire continental United States, from coast-to-coast, to raise money for charity.

“I haven’t read any of the scripts or seen any of Tom Six’s films or even know anything about the plots of the movies, but the director asked me if I would like to be in one of the ‘segments,’ which was incredibly flattering, so I signed up right on the spot,” said Crutchfield. “It’s been almost three decades since I starred as ‘Anne #1’ in Model Behavior, but I think this might be my return to the big screen!”

“We’re connecting people together, one at a time, to form an Unbroken Centipede of Compassion,” said Crutchfield.

Retro “Megoteca” analog Internet service provider to feature ’90s-style dial-up access

Published on April 10, 2013

Business/Culture

Analog acoustic coupler modem (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/cmqhaox)

The music venue Discoteca enjoyed a year-long existence between January 2010 and January 2011, being Chattanooga’s “all analogue bar” which only allowed vinyl records or cassettes to be played and featuring notable indie music acts such as Will Oldham, Lambchop, and Monotonix.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, the proprietors of Discoteca have unveiled a new business called Megoteca based on a similar concept, allowing customers to access the Internet only by using outdated, slow analog technology, including land-line phones, acoustic-coupler modems, and dial-up phone numbers.

Co-owner Dewey Blackwell explained, “Listening to your favorite album on vinyl can’t be beat, for all the warmth and richness of that analog format. Similarly, nothing compares to surfing the Internet the retro, old-school way, using dial-up connections and 300-baud acoustic modems. Who can forget the thrill of anticipation of slowly loading up in Netscape a grainy .GIF file of Cindy Margolis in a bikini?”

“‘Gig City’ my ass,” continued Blackwell, referring to the nickname bestowed upon Chattanooga due to the one-gigabit-per-second fiber-optic Internet service provided by competitor EPB. “This is Meg City! We are talking about some sweet-ass Internet, here.”

Subscribers to Megoteca’s Internet service will receive a starter kit with installation software on a 5.25-inch floppy disk (compatible with Windows 3.1), a free Megoteca email account with a 5 MB storage limit, and a free Geocities web page.

Anti-gang task force reveals strategy after watching Bugsy Malone: “We need more pies”

Published on April 7, 2013

Politics

Custard pie (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c24mw5a) — Custard pie
(Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/c24mw5a)

The anti-gang task force established under Mayor Ron Littlefield was advised by the incoming Mayor-elect Andy Berke’s administration that it would be dismantled before Berke’s April 15 inauguration, as Berke’s transition team is fleshing out its own new ideas for tackling Chattanooga’s gang issue.

As its last action, the anti-gang task force issued a final report regarding how to reduce gang violence, influenced by a recent viewing of the film Bugsy Malone at task force coordinator Preston Darridington’s apartment.

“This film Bugsy Malone was eye-opening for us. I taped it off HBO when they did one of their free preview weekends a few weeks ago. All of us on the task force agreed on one key strategy: we need more pies,” said Darridington. “Enormous custard pies. Believe it or not, our police force has absolutely no custard pies in its arsenal. None.”

Darridington referred to the 1976 film musical directed by Alan Parker, starring an all-child cast including Jodie Foster and Scott Baio set in the gang-ridden Prohibition era, as if it was a documentary film.

The purely fictional film simulates gun violence with G-rated weapons such as custard pies and “splurge guns” which shoot custard.

“We wish the Berke administration well, and we sincerely hope they will heed our advice. The future of our children depends on it,” said Darridington as he dropped the heavy 381-page report onto the podium and waved his VHS copy of Bugsy Malone in the air.

Obama calls Mayor-elect Andy Berke “best looking mayor” in nation

Published on April 6, 2013

Politics

President Barack Obama is backpedaling after calling Chattanooga Mayor-elect Andy Berke the “best looking mayor” in the entire nation at a fundraising event in Nashville yesterday.

The President received wide-spread criticism from Republicans and from men’s rights groups for his comments, considered to be inappropriate.

“This is a fine, fine specimen,” said Obama, while closing his eyes and moving his head from side-to-side slowly.

“Just look at those rock-hard abs, that handsome smile, that head of hair. Mmm, mmm,” continued Obama, seemingly lost in a mid-day reverie.

“We are not pieces of meat,” said Braden Dowdington, the current President of the National Organization for Men (NOM). “We demand an apology from Obama immediately for his sexist remark.”

Andy Berke was modeling a photo spread for GQ magazine and could not be reached for comment.

Pat Benatar forms union for Chattanooga Volkswagen auto workers

Published on April 5, 2013

Business

All eyes are on automaker Volkswagen’s Chattanooga plant after the company announced that it is talking with United Auto Workers (UAW) about the idea of a German-style works council, rather than a more traditional American labor union.

Tennessee is one of twenty-four right-to-work states in the U.S.A., and the National Right to Work Legal Defense Foundation has entered the ring, offering free legal advice to Volkswagen workers in case they are pressured to join the UAW.

In the meantime, 80s pop singer Pat Benatar took quick action and brought solidarity to Volkswagen’s auto workers by forming a union here in Chattanooga, which was announced at a press conference earlier today.

“We are strong,” Benatar said at a ceremony in front of Volkswagen’s Chattanooga plant, to a crowd of reporters and Volkswagen employees.

Benatar, a featured act at the 2005 Riverbend Festival, then said, “No one can tell us we’re wrong.”

When asked about wage negotiations and performance-based bonuses, Benatar simply replied, “No promises, no demands.”

Benatar then stepped away from the podium and led the plant’s 3,500 auto workers in a dance, with all shaking their shoulders from side to side vigorously as they walked away.

“Whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-waaaaah,” concluded Benatar.

Upcoming Lake Winnepesaukah water park to feature adults-only island, The Wet Spot

Published on April 1, 2013

Sports/Rec

Lake Winnepesaukah (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic License. Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/milst1/5935526489/) — Lake Winnepesaukah
(Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic License. Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/milst1/5935526489/)

At a news conference, Lake Winnepesaukah Amusement Park in Rossville, GA announced a new expansion project, which will build upon the planned water park called “SoakYa” scheduled to be open for the Summer 2013 season.

While SoakYa, which derives its name from the last two syllables of “Winnepesaukah,” is intended to be an all-ages, family-oriented water park, the addition will only be open to persons aged 18 and older and will be located on an island on the outskirts of SoakYa.

The island, to be called The Wet Spot, will be clothing-optional and feature adult-oriented rides and entertainment for adults only.

Lake Winnepesaukah spokesperson Donny Kreymer said, “Amsterdam doesn’t have a thing on us! The Wet Spot will feature bars, swinger clubs and erotic food stands. Adults of all ages will be sure to get a thrill on rides such as Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Worm, Over Bukkake Falls in a Barrel and Sybian: The Ride. Prepare to get soaked!”

“There are watersports, and then, there are watersports, if you know what I mean,” said Kreymer with a wink. “Urine therapy is not only fun, it’s good for you, too. Reportedly, Gandhi would slash into his own mouth every morning. Remember: you can’t say ‘Winnepesaukah’ without saying ‘pee soak ya.'”

Kreymer continued, “If you want a break from all the anonymous, consequence-free hookups and genital-busting rides, you can enjoy an erotic cake at Punani Annie’s – be sure to ask for some Annie Sprinkles on that cupcake! Or, sample some fine north Georgia wines in our wine tasting room, ‘Spit or Swallow.'”

“At The Wet Spot, you’ll feel like a kid in a candy store. And by ‘kid’ I mean ‘consenting adult,’ and by ‘candy store’ I mean ‘fuck wonderland,'” said Kreymer.