Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Missy Crutchfield negotiates deal for Human Centipede sequels to be shot in Chattanooga

Still from the original Human Centipede film (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license. Source:
Still from the original Human Centipede film (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license. Source:

In recent years, several Hollywood films have been partially shot in Chattanooga, including Leatherheads starring George Clooney, Water for Elephants with Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson, and the Jackie Robinson biopic 42 starring Harrison Ford, with another film, Will To Succeed featuring Helen Hunt, scheduled to start filming later this year.

Marking another victory for the film industry in Chattanooga, Founding Administrator Missy Crutchfield of the City of Chattanooga’s Department of Education, Arts & Culture announced at a press conference yesterday that she had successfully negotiated a deal with Dutch film director Tom Six and his studio Six Entertainment to have the fourth and fifth installments of the Human Centipede series filmed in Chattanooga.

“This will not only bring a great deal of work for those in the film industry here in Chattanooga, but also the local hospitality, tourism, and food-service industries will benefit as well, pouring as much as $1.4 million dollars into the area,” said Crutchfield.

The first film of the series, The Human Centipede (First Sequence) gained notoriety for its incredibly disturbing subject matter, about a deranged German doctor who kidnaps three tourists–two American women and one Japanese man–and surgically attaches the three of them together, connecting the mouth of one to the anus of the other, forming the titular creature.

It was followed by The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), which many critics considered to be even more revolting than the original, and the third installment, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) is currently in production.

Although the third film was originally intended to be the last film of a trilogy, Six was inspired by talks with Crutchfield to keep the franchise going for at least two more films, enjoying financial incentives provided by the City of Chattanooga but with one stipulation: the films must be uplifting in some way.

Scheduled to be filmed in the fall of 2013 in Chattanooga, The Human Centipede 4 (Small Hadron Shitcollider) will tell the story of a group of scientists who connect twenty people, human-centipede-style, into a ring-shaped configuration after feeding them some bad salmon, causing the resulting fecal matter to be propelled at astronomically high speeds around and around, allowing the scientists to test various theories about particle physics.

Following in 2014 will be the filming of The Human Centipede 5 (Assholes Across America), which involves a billionaire philanthropist who devises a plan to have volunteers form a human centipede that spans the entire continental United States, from coast-to-coast, to raise money for charity.

“I haven’t read any of the scripts or seen any of Tom Six’s films or even know anything about the plots of the movies, but the director asked me if I would like to be in one of the ‘segments,’ which was incredibly flattering, so I signed up right on the spot,” said Crutchfield.  “It’s been almost three decades since I starred as ‘Anne #1’ in Model Behavior, but I think this might be my return to the big screen!”

“We’re connecting people together, one at a time, to form an Unbroken Centipede of Compassion,” said Crutchfield.

Retro “Megoteca” analog Internet service provider to feature ’90s-style dial-up access

Analog acoustic coupler modem (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license. Source:
Analog acoustic coupler modem (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license. Source:

The music venue Discoteca enjoyed a year-long existence between January 2010 and January 2011, being Chattanooga’s “all analogue bar” which only allowed vinyl records or cassettes to be played and featuring notable indie music acts such as Will Oldham, Lambchop, and Monotonix.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, the proprietors of Discoteca have unveiled a new business called Megoteca based on a similar concept, allowing customers to access the Internet only by using outdated, slow analog technology, including land-line phones, acoustic-coupler modems, and dial-up phone numbers.

Co-owner Dewey Blackwell explained, “Listening to your favorite album on vinyl can’t be beat, for all the warmth and richness of that analog format.  Similarly, nothing compares to surfing the Internet the retro, old-school way, using dial-up connections and 300-baud acoustic modems.  Who can forget the thrill of anticipation of slowly loading up in Netscape a grainy .GIF file of Cindy Margolis in a bikini?”

“‘Gig City’ my ass,” continued Blackwell, referring to the nickname bestowed upon Chattanooga due to the one-gigabit-per-second fiber-optic Internet service provided by competitor EPB.   “This is Meg City!  We are talking about some sweet-ass Internet, here.”

Subscribers to Megoteca’s Internet service will receive a starter kit with installation software on a 5.25-inch floppy disk (compatible with Windows 3.1), a free Megoteca email account with a 5 MB storage limit, and a free Geocities web page.

Anti-gang task force reveals strategy after watching Bugsy Malone: “We need more pies”

Custard pie (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source:
Custard pie
(Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source:

The anti-gang task force established under Mayor Ron Littlefield was advised by the incoming Mayor-elect Andy Berke’s administration that it would be dismantled before Berke’s April 15 inauguration, as Berke’s transition team is fleshing out its own new ideas for tackling Chattanooga’s gang issue.

As its last action, the anti-gang task force issued a final report regarding how to reduce gang violence, influenced by a recent viewing of the film Bugsy Malone at task force coordinator Preston Darridington’s apartment.

“This film Bugsy Malone was eye-opening for us. I taped it off HBO when they did one of their free preview weekends a few weeks ago. All of us on the task force agreed on one key strategy: we need more pies,” said Darridington. “Enormous custard pies. Believe it or not, our police force has absolutely no custard pies in its arsenal. None.”

Darridington referred to the 1976 film musical directed by Alan Parker, starring an all-child cast including Jodie Foster and Scott Baio set in the gang-ridden Prohibition era, as if it was a documentary film.

The purely fictional film simulates gun violence with G-rated weapons such as custard pies and “splurge guns” which shoot custard.

“We wish the Berke administration well, and we sincerely hope they will heed our advice. The future of our children depends on it,” said Darridington as he dropped the heavy 381-page report onto the podium and waved his VHS copy of Bugsy Malone in the air.

Obama calls Mayor-elect Andy Berke “best looking mayor” in nation

Andy Berke
Andy Berke

President Barack Obama is backpedaling after calling Chattanooga Mayor-elect Andy Berke the “best looking mayor” in the entire nation at a fundraising event in Nashville yesterday.

The President received wide-spread criticism from Republicans and from men’s rights groups for his comments, considered to be inappropriate.

“This is a fine, fine specimen,” said Obama, while closing his eyes and moving his head from side-to-side slowly.

“Just look at those rock-hard abs, that handsome smile, that head of hair. Mmm, mmm,” continued Obama, seemingly lost in a mid-day reverie.

“We are not pieces of meat,” said Braden Dowdington, the current President of the National Organization for Men (NOM). “We demand an apology from Obama immediately for his sexist remark.”

Andy Berke was modeling a photo spread for GQ magazine and could not be reached for comment.

Pat Benatar forms union for Chattanooga Volkswagen auto workers

Pat Benatar and Volkswagen auto workers
Pat Benatar and Volkswagen auto workers

All eyes are on automaker Volkswagen’s Chattanooga plant after the company announced that it is talking with United Auto Workers (UAW) about the idea of a German-style works council, rather than a more traditional American labor union.

Tennessee is one of twenty-four right-to-work states in the U.S.A., and the National Right to Work Legal Defense Foundation has entered the ring, offering free legal advice to Volkswagen workers in case they are pressured to join the UAW.

In the meantime, 80s pop singer Pat Benatar took quick action and brought solidarity to Volkswagen’s auto workers by forming a union here in Chattanooga, which was announced at a press conference earlier today.

“We are strong,” Benatar said at a ceremony in front of Volkswagen’s Chattanooga plant, to a crowd of reporters and Volkswagen employees.

Benatar, a featured act at the 2005 Riverbend Festival, then said, “No one can tell us we’re wrong.”

When asked about wage negotiations and performance-based bonuses, Benatar simply replied, “No promises, no demands.”

Benatar then stepped away from the podium and led the plant’s 3,500 auto workers in a dance, with all shaking their shoulders from side to side vigorously as they walked away.

“Whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-waaaaah,” concluded Benatar.

Upcoming Lake Winnepesaukah water park to feature adults-only island, The Wet Spot

Lake Winnepesaukah (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic License. Credit:
Lake Winnepesaukah
(Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic License. Credit:

At a news conference, Lake Winnepesaukah Amusement Park in Rossville, GA announced a new expansion project, which will build upon the planned water park called “SoakYa” scheduled to be open for the Summer 2013 season.

While SoakYa, which derives its name from the last two syllables of “Winnepesaukah,” is intended to be an all-ages, family-oriented water park, the addition will only be open to persons aged 18 and older and will be located on an island on the outskirts of SoakYa.

The island, to be called The Wet Spot, will be clothing-optional and feature adult-oriented rides and entertainment for adults only.

Lake Winnepesaukah spokesperson Donny Kreymer said, “Amsterdam doesn’t have a thing on us!  The Wet Spot will feature bars, swinger clubs and erotic food stands.  Adults of all ages will be sure to get a thrill on rides such as Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Worm, Over Bukkake Falls in a Barrel and Sybian: The Ride. Prepare to get soaked!”

“There are watersports, and then, there are watersports, if you know what I mean,” said Kreymer with a wink.  “Urine therapy is not only fun, it’s good for you, too.  Reportedly, Gandhi would slash into his own mouth every morning.  Remember: you can’t say ‘Winnepesaukah’ without saying ‘pee soak ya.'”

Kreymer continued, “If you want a break from all the anonymous, consequence-free hookups and genital-busting rides, you can enjoy an erotic cake at Punani Annie’s – be sure to ask for some Annie Sprinkles on that cupcake!  Or, sample some fine north Georgia wines in our wine tasting room, ‘Spit or Swallow.'”

“At The Wet Spot, you’ll feel like a kid in a candy store.  And by ‘kid’ I mean ‘consenting adult,’ and by ‘candy store’ I mean ‘fuck wonderland,'” said Kreymer.

Sofa King Juicy Burger inspires other edgy restaurants

Sofa King Juicy Burger logo
Sofa King Juicy Burger logo
The new restaurant Sofa King Juicy Burger in Red Bank, which officially opened its doors on March 12, has already garnered national attention from media outlets such as the Huffington Post for its name which contains a hidden expletive. Seemingly inspired by this idea, other Chattanooga restauranteurs have announced upcoming eateries that also feature edgy, memorable names.
  • Crêpe Fantasy Crêperie – In a television commercial for the Frazier Avenue crêperie called Crêpe Fantasy, a perky waitress asks a customer, “Are you ready to be crêped in the mouth?  You just look like you’re asking for it!” as she brings him a plate full of strawberry-covered crêpes, dusted with powdered sugar.  Rubbing his palms together in anticipation, the customer enthusiastically says, “Crêpe me!”  Crêpe Fantasy will offer a variety of both sweet and savory crêpes, including its own house specialty which features a special filling made from imported Bejjou and Gousbi dates, called the “Date Crêpe.”
  • Special Kneads Bakery – With a staff entirely composed of people with developmental and physical disabilities and disorders such as Tourette Syndrome, this Bluff View Art District bakery and coffee shop will offer artisanal bread, pastries and fresh-roasted coffee with colorful names such as “Shortbus Shortbread,” “Pineapple Upside-Down Syndrome Cake” and “Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte FICK! FICK! FICK! FICK!”
  • Burritos So Good You’ll Literally Shit Yourself – Vincent Sackster, founder and owner of Burritos So Good You’ll Literally Shit Yourself, is quick to point out that the Mexican food prepared at his restaurant uses freshly prepared ingredients (locally grown, whenever possible) but does not actually contain any laxatives.  “When people bite into my burritos, they will be so overwhelmed by the vibrant scents and flavors that they might possibly lose all control of their bodily functions,” commented Sackster.  The Main Street restaurant’s appearance is unique, with individual seats that resemble commodes and rolls of paper napkins mounted on the wall, as if they were toilet tissue.

Mystery man Don Bigfield chides Mayor-Elect Andy Berke at public forum

Outgoing Mayor Ron Littlefield, who was not in attendance at the public forum
Outgoing Mayor Ron Littlefield, who was not in attendance at the public forum

At a public forum hosted by Mayor-Elect and former 10th District State Senator Andy Berke regarding issues including economic development, public safety and education, a mysterious man by the name of Don Bigfield spouted harsh criticism for Berke, well before Berke’s inauguration date of April 15.

Five minutes into the forum, Bigfield, who wore a wig with long, black dreadlocks and over-sized Harry Potter-style glasses, blurted out, “So far, I haven’t heard one word about property taxes and storm water fees. How are you going to ensure that they aren’t too low?”

Holding a fingerstache to his upper lip, Bigfield loudly asked, “Why have you not developed a plan to establish an official Ron Littlefield Day yet?” referring to Chattanooga’s current mayor, who was not in attendance.

“Now there’s a good man,” Bigfield continued. “He sent me a Christmas card.”

After commenting that Chattanooga’s top priority is establishing a centralized resource center for homeless people, Bigfield pointed at Berke and said, with spittle flying from his lips, “You better get your act together, or people will try to recall you.”

Bigfield then pulled his cape over his face, threw a smoke bomb onto the ground, and disappeared.

Amazon, Chattanooga State to make city hub of expertise for “Walking Around and Picking Up Stuff”

Amazon logo
Amazon logo

Following the success of the two Amazon Distribution Centers established in 2011 in Chattanooga and Cleveland, Tenn., which employ over two-thousand workers, Chattanooga State Community College has announced a new two-year degree, developed with the cooperation of Amazon, in order to keep up with the demand for specially skilled employees in the area.

Chattanooga State Provost Dr. Annise J. Zaffre explained at a press conference yesterday afternoon that the two-year degree, Associate of Walking Around and Picking Up Stuff (AWAPUS), features an intense, accelerated curriculum.

The first-year coursework concentrates on the finer points of the core competency of walking around, drawing from both the Stuttgart school of thought on the subject, and the opposing methods outlined by Danish walking expert Morten Sørensen-Rasmussen in his controversial 1980 treatise Kunsten at Gå: Et Skridt Fører til en Anden.

The second-year coursework expands upon the techniques and philosophies explored in the student’s first year, adding the proficiency of picking up stuff with weekly lab sessions, allowing students to practice their picking-up skills in a controlled laboratory environment before attempting them in a real industrial setting.

“Silicon Valley is known for its billion-dollar high-tech businesses. Dalton, Georgia is known for its vast carpeting expertise,” said Zaffre. “We hope, a few years from now, when people think about walking around and picking up stuff, they’ll think of Chattanooga.”

Students interested in registering for the degree program may visit the Chattanooga State campus and pick up a course catalog, featuring a stock photograph of a smiling female wearing business casual attire on its cover.

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