Francis Porkloin – Page 27 – Chattanooga Bystander

TFP fires entire staff except Harrison Keely

Published on August 5, 2013

Business

In a written statement, the management of the Chattanooga Times Free Press announced that after carefully reviewing its numerous policies, it has terminated the employment of its entire staff with the exception of Harrison Keely, who is left to carry the workload of his departed co-workers.

The firing of Free Press editor Drew Johnson over the modification of a headline for an editorial about President Barack Obama’s employment plan led the paper’s management to scour the 1,692 pages of its policies, including its ethics policy, and it managed to find every single writer, editor, contributor and supporting staff member in violation of at least one policy, except for Harrison Keely.

“We were troubled to learn that Arts and Entertainment writer Casey Phillips received a free promotional CD from a musical group about which he wrote, yet, although it has been four weeks, he has still not donated that CD to charity,” said the statement. “We gave him the boot. Mighty Casey has struck out.”

“It came to our attention that reporter Joan Garrett accepted a piece of chewing gum from a local organization while covering a story, without providing the proper monetary reimbursement,” said the statement. “That is nothing short of bribery and a flagrant violation of our ethics policy.”

“Now Harrison Keely,” said the statement. “We couldn’t find any dirt on Harrison. We questioned his soul patch, but there’s nothing in the rulebook that says that soul patches aren’t allowed. He is as pure as the driven snow and just the sweetest little angel.”

Keely will continue to handle social media for the Times Free Press and create the daily “Top 5 things to know in the Chattanooga area today” videos, and in addition to those duties, he will perform all reporting, writing, editing and content creation for the paper, including taking over Clay Bennett’s role as political cartoonist.

TFP upholds “No Johnny Paycheck quotes” policy

Published on August 3, 2013

Business/Politics

"Take This Job and Shove It" by Johnny Paycheck — “Take This Job and Shove It” by Johnny Paycheck

At a press conference yesterday held by the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Managing Editor Ashley Sechalles explained that the recent firing of Free Press editor Drew Johnson was simply an enforcement of the longstanding policy that strictly disallows the use of Johnny Paycheck quotes or references in any articles for the paper.

Johnson had altered the headline for an editorial, critical of President Barack Obama, from “Keep your jobs plan to yourself, Mr. President” to “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr. President,” making a reference to country music star Johnny Paycheck’s 1977 hit recording of the David Allen Coe song “Take This Job and Shove It.”

“Time and time again, we have made it clear to our writers and reporters that no Johnny Paycheck references or quotes are to ever be used,” said Sechalles. “Doing so goes against both the AP Stylebook and The Chicago Manual of Style, and even Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style has an entire chapter about avoiding Johnny Paycheck quotes.”

“This firing is not unprecedented,” said Sechalles. “We had to fire one reporter ten years ago for the title of an article about weddings for morbidly obese people, called ‘Will you take this blob and love it?'”

Obama halts anti-obesity “Let’s Move!” campaign after visit to Bea’s

Published on July 30, 2013

Food/Drink/Obamanooga '13

“Let’s Move!” logo

During a long lunch at the beloved Chattanooga southern home-cooking buffet restaurant Bea’s, President Barack Obama announced that he was going to ask the First Lady Michelle Obama to end her “Let’s Move!” campaign, which she started in 2010 to fight obesity and promote healthy eating.

Bea’s Restaurant on Dodds Avenue, a local favorite since 1950 and dining destination popular with truckers, offers an unusual type of buffet by serving customers family-style at circular tables each with a lazy Susan, onto which the servers continuously place fresh bowls of food for as long as the customers are willing to eat.

“The beauty of this idea,” said Obama with a mouthful of potato salad, “is that when you think you’ve had so much that you can’t even stand up to get more food, the servers just bring the food right to you. You don’t have to move an inch.”

“That’s American ingenuity for you,” said Obama, whose lips were covered with barbeque sauce. “‘More mac and cheese,’ I said!”

Regarding putting an end to the “Let’s Move!” campaign, Obama said, “I just can’t imagine denying a child unlimited amounts of this sweet, sweet peach cobbler.”

“Moving is so overrated,” said Obama, who had become noticeably rotund during the three-hour binge. “Maybe Michelle can just change ‘Let’s Move!’ to ‘Let’s Roll!’ or something.”

Obama visits Normal Park school, lets honor student conduct drone strike

Published on July 30, 2013

Education/Obamanooga '13/Politics

During President Barack Obama’s one-day visit to Chattanooga, he stopped by the Normal Park Museum Magnet School in North Chattanooga to speak with students about maintaining peace in the world, even allowing one honor student to conduct a remote drone strike in Pakistan.

“As the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, I know a thing or two about peace,” said Obama to the auditorium full of elementary and middle school students. “And it is a great paradox of life that you must make war to have peace.”

“Now who in here likes video games?” asked Obama, who was met with an enthusiastic room full of raised hands.

The school principal led the top 7th grade honor student, Toby McBartleby, toward the stage, where multiple video screens and control joysticks were set up, to the sound of cheers and applause from his fellow classmates.

“Now Toby, this is just like playing a game on your Xbox, only this is a real aircraft flying over Pakistan that you’re piloting, thousands of miles away,” explained Obama. “See that speck? Now move the crosshairs over that speck, and then pull the trigger.”

“Got him!” said Obama. “Congratulations, Toby, that was probably a terrorist that you just killed.”

Obama heard the sound of someone clearing his throat and looked behind him, at two Secret Service agents wearing dark suits and sunglasses, who were both shaking their heads from side-to-side.

“I mean, that terrorist you just…tickled,” said Obama. “To death.”

Clerical error blamed for Presidential tour of North Shore barge

Published on July 30, 2013

Business/Obamanooga '13

A disappointed Barack Obama (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/bqBWPu)

The City of Chattanooga has blamed a clerical error for a mix-up regarding President Barack Obama’s visit, which led the Presidential entourage to tour the infamous deteriorating North Shore barge—widely considered to be an eyesore and embarrassment—instead of the flourishing Amazon fulfillment center as expected.

After Obama stepped out of the presidential limousine and onto the creaky, dilapidated barge—which has been moored across from the Tennessee Aquarium and unused since 2009—he said, “Well, this…is…uh…interesting,” while clearly confused.

“This is a symbol of…progress?” said Obama, speaking extemporaneously without a teleprompter. “No wait. This is a monument to Chattanooga’s rich history. No, not that either. What is this, again?”

As Obama spoke, Mayor Andy Berke ran frantically toward the barge, flailing his arms, screaming, “Noooo! Noooo! Look away! Look at our beautiful bridge instead!”

The presidential itinerary was corrected and the entourage was directed toward the Amazon fulfillment center instead of the next destination on the original, erroneous route, Chuck’s Condom Shop on Main Street.

Foodies rejoice: Artisanal meth comes to Chattanooga

Published on July 23, 2013

Food/Drink

Without a doubt, eating well has become a more prominent cultural pursuit for people of all ages over the last decade, with a rapidly growing movement of so-called “foodies” eager to share new gastronomical discoveries using online social networks and blogs, and Chattanooga has done its best to keep up with more populous urban locales, boasting purveyors of world-class artisanal cheese, bread, chocolate and other foodstuffs.

Hand-crafted libations such as whiskey, beer and wine have also found a home in Chattanooga and surrounding areas, and those willing to skirt the law have enjoyed locally made flavored moonshine and similar spirits.

Now, local foodies have another reason to rejoice with the arrival of artisanal crystal meth, for discriminating connoisseurs of intoxicants who are no longer satisfied with mass-produced Mexican meth or hastily made motel-room or backwoods trailer ice.

The founder of Chattanooga Crank, Kelsey Idovah, explained to The Chattanooga Bystander that meticulous care goes into every step of the cooking process, with exacting standards.

“We use only the finest raw ingredients that are locally sourced, whenever possible,” said Idovah. “Instead of meth cooked in some filthy roach-motel bathtub with loads of impurities, imagine some crystal-clear sparkle that was produced in a Beverly Hills mansion swimming pool.”

While crystal meth may be injected, true connoisseurs choose to smoke or snort their twack, and Chattanooga Crank offers a variety of inventive flavors.

“This one is dense and lithe, with notes of cedar and boysenberry,” said Idovah while stroking his chin, after taking a long hit. “Mmm. I also taste pomegranate, mineral and just a hint of Bartlett pear.”

“I love the floral notes on this one,” said Idovah, after tweaking another variety of Chattanooga Crank. “There’s a balsamic-tinged acidity and accents of dried cherry, with a snappy finish. Magnificent.”

“There’s no need to chase that white dragon down to Atlanta or Nashville,” said Idovah, who was now shaking uncontrollably. “We’ve got top-quality artisanal meth for you, right here in Chattanooga.”

The Bystander extends TFP’s “The View” boycott: “We will never jack off to Jenny McCarthy again”

Published on July 18, 2013

Health/Op/Ed

Jenny McCarthy (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dLjXF)

Yesterday, the Chattanooga Times Free Press published an editorial asking readers to boycott the ABC network daytime television talk show The View after it recently announced it was adding co-host Jenny McCarthy—Playboy Playmate, television host and actress. McCarthy has been widely criticized for continuing to spread the myth that vaccinating children can lead to autism, a notion which has absolutely no scientific basis and was started because of a fraudulent 1998 study that used manipulated data by the since-defrocked researcher Andrew Wakefield.

We, the writers of The Chattanooga Bystander, are in complete agreement with the Chattanooga Times Free Press on this matter, and we are even taking the boycott one step further by pledging to never masturbate to any photo, video footage or likeness of Jenny McCarthy again.

Never again will we firmly grasp our junk and vigorously wank rhythmically to McCarthy’s October 1993 Playboy pictorial, with her long-flowing flaxen hair, ample and soft bosom and coy yet mischievous smile.

Never again will we squeeze one off in the office restroom stall during our lunch break while staring at a pic on our iPhone of McCarthy’s infamous Candie’s shoe advertisement, where she’s sitting on a toilet with her panties around her ankles.

No, no, we will never bring ourselves to climax copiously into an old tube sock while looking at the inviting blonde tuft of hair on the mound of Venus belonging to Jenny McCarthy, who has instilled an unmerited fear of vaccines into the minds of parents because of stubborn ignorance, perpetuating a myth that has been called “the most damaging medical hoax of the last 100 years.”

By extension, The Chattanooga Bystander will also refrain from jacking off to pictures of Barbara Walters and all other co-hosts on The View.

Chattanooga to world: “You know what? F-ck birds”

Published on July 16, 2013

Politics

Just some goddamn bird (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/8hirVk)

The collective metropolitan Chattanooga populace articulated its complete disdain for all avian life in a written press release, addressed to the world yesterday.

“You know what? F-ck birds,” began the press release. “You are not welcome here, stinking up the place, crapping all over everything, squawking and strutting around like you own the place. Who crowned you cock of the walk?”

“F-ck urban chickens, f-ck Canadian geese, y’all can go screw yourselves,” continued the press release.

In recent news, the Chattanooga City Council upheld a ban on chickens within city limits, and 100 Canada geese that were removed from Chattanooga State Community College were euthanized by the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Wildlife Services program.

“The Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency is seeking public input regarding when the opening day of the upcoming waterfowl hunting season should be,” said the press release. “You know what we told them? Waterfowl hunting should be allowed every goddamn day.”

“Remember when a few months ago, someone shot some bald eagles around here?” said the press release. “Back then, we all thought, ‘Geez, what an asshole.’ Now, we think that sumbitch had the right idea.”

“We are trying to bring the competitive eating Wing Bowl event to town,” said the press release. “We want that famous skinny Japanese competitive eater to come here and unleash a motherf-cking chicken-wing holocaust here in Chattanooga, Tennessee.”

“Two arms good, two wings bad,” concluded the press release.

Chattanooga Roller Boys struggling to find audience

Published on July 14, 2013

Sports/Rec

Men's roller derby (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/csrVrE) — Men’s roller derby (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/csrVrE)

It is undeniable that roller derby has made a huge comeback in recent years, but you wouldn’t know it by attending a local Chattanooga Roller Boys bout.

“We are completely baffled,” said Chattanooga Roller Boys team captain and founder Justin McCloskie, looking at an audience of six people at their game Saturday evening at the VFW on Amnicola Highway. “And this is the largest crowd we’ve had so far.”

McCloskie formed the Chattanooga Roller Boys six months ago after witnessing a match featuring the Chattanooga Roller Girls at the downtown Marriott Convention Center, competing in front of a packed, sold-out audience.

“It blew my mind,” said McCloskie. “It was such an exciting game, and everyone in the audience was totally into it, cheering non-stop. I thought to myself: men’s sports are more popular than women’s sports—just look at professional basketball—so men’s roller derby should be even more popular than women’s roller derby.”

“I was wrong, apparently,” said McCloskie, who also goes by the alias “Terence Trent Derby.”

The Chattanooga Roller Boys currently has a membership of 20 skaters, aged between 18 and 35, who compete in flat-track quad-skate roller derby bouts across Tennessee.

“What are we doing wrong?” asked blocker Regin Plesson, a.k.a. “Reginald Cattermaul,” to The Chattanooga Bystander after the bout. “We’re doing our best to make a dynamic, exhilarating competition. That’s what people want to see, right?”

In addition to participating in bouts, the Chattanooga Roller Boys performs a significant amount of charity work. In particular, the team is focused on raising money to fund testicular cancer research, and the last project involved selling brownish-purple-ribbon car magnets for the “Save the Nutsacks” campaign.

“I don’t know how long we can go on like this without more support,” said jammer Wes Granwood, known by his derby name “Wesley Crush-Him.” “Now I kind of regret getting this lower-back ‘CRB’ tattoo.”

Postponed July 4th fireworks to be combined with detonation of North Shore barge

Published on July 13, 2013

Business/Culture/Politics

Fireworks (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/525zPK)

Chattanooga residents were sorely disappointed when severe weather caused the annual Coolidge Park fireworks and outdoor concert to be cancelled, but the City of Chattanooga announced yesterday afternoon at a press conference a way to turn that disappointment into triumph, by combining a postponed fireworks display with the detonation of the controversial North Shore barge.

“This is a win-win situation,” said Mayor Berke to a crowd of reporters. “We will be able to celebrate Independence Day the way it was meant to be celebrated, plus, we will absolutely, completely obliterate that unsightly barge that has been an embarrassment to the North Shore.”

“We have the explosives,” said Berke. “A half-ton of dynamite, to be exact.”

The barge, moored across from the Tennessee Aquarium since 2009, was intended by Chattanooga businessman Allen Casey to be the location of a New Orleans-style steakhouse and bar, and the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers has threatened to revoke Casey’s barge permit unless the barge is cleaned up and brought into compliance.

“Consider it revoked,” said City Manager Kris Viggs about the permit, to wild applause.

“This will be a wonderful, glorious display of colorful fireworks and shock-and-awe destruction,” said Viggs. “It will also be an opportunity to clean house. Anything you don’t want to see—urban chickens, Common Core standards protest signs, satirical news writers—anything that you want to go away, just put it on the barge.”

“Shit will get blowed up,” said Viggs. “I guarantee it.”

The press conference ended with the P.A. system playing a medley of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Neil Diamond’s “America” while Berke twerked vigorously to the music.