Coolidge Park fountain (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source:

Coolidge Park fountains to spray guacamole for Cinco de Mayo

Coolidge Park fountain (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source:
Coolidge Park fountain (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source:
To promote multi-culturalism, the Chattanooga Department of Parks and Recreation announced yesterday afternoon at a press conference that this Sunday, the 5th of May, celebrated as the holiday Cinco de Mayo, the fountains at Coolidge Park on the North Shore would spray guacamole instead of the usual water.

“Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of freedom and democracy for both Mexicans and Americans, and what better way to commemorate this occasion than by showering our frolicking children with this delicious, verdant green foodstuff,” said Cassie Pellingham, the director of the Department of Parks and Recreation.

Pellingham explained that this idea was partially inspired by the decades-old Chicago tradition of dyeing the Chicago River green in observance of St. Patrick’s Day, and in 2009, even the First Lady Michelle Obama suggested that the water in the White House fountains be dyed green for that holiday.

“When people think of Cinco de Mayo, most folks think of obnoxious party-goers over-indulging in nachos with questionable white cheese dip and cheaply made sangria. But when I think of Cinco de Mayo, I think about freedom, tolerance and abundance, in addition to chihuahua races and novelty sombreros,” said Pellingham.

To symbolize abundance, it was decided to use some sort of liquid foodstuff in the fountains, and there was much debate over what substance to use, Pellingham said.

“First, we thought of using mayo, until someone pointed out that the ‘Mayo’ in ‘Cinco de Mayo’ means the month of May, and not mayonnaise, like most of us had thought,” said Pellingham. “Someone else suggested using salsa, but that was just a ridiculous idea.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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