Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Zach Wamp adopts 33 children to run in all local elections

At a press conference today, former U.S. Representative Zach Wamp announced that he had recently adopted 33 children who would run in all Hamilton County elections happening in 2022.

These adopted children would be joining Wamp’s two other children, Weston and Coty, who are primary election candidates for County Mayor and District Attorney, respectively.

“Would you just look at these bundles of joy?” said Zach Wamp, as he motioned toward the crowd of adopted children, aged 18 and older to meet candidacy age requirements. “Everybody might not know that it’s perfectly legal to adopt adults, and wouldn’t you, after seeing these precious little dumplings?”

Wamp’s adopted children were mostly lawyers, real estate brokers and developers, many in advanced middle age or older.

“I just want to say that if my new children want to play little league or take ballet lessons, I fully support them, as long as it doesn’t interfere with them running for elected office,” said Wamp, while ruffling the gray hair of 70-year-old estate lawyer, Harlan Wamp.

“Now, some may accuse me of empire-building,” said Wamp. “That is simply not the case. I prefer the word ‘dynasty.’ ‘Royalty’ works, too.”

Wamp has approached Matt Hullander and Sabrena Smedley, who are also primary candidates for County Mayor, asking them if they want to be adopted by him; Hullander’s father, Bill Hullander, who is the incumbent primary candidate for County Trustee, has offered Matt a Disney World vacation as a counteroffer.

“WAMP! There it is! WAMP! There it is!” chanted Wamp, while leading his children in making the “raise the roof” motion with his hands.

“Daddy, can we get ice cream now?” asked Harlan Wamp while gently tugging on his father’s arm, melting the hearts of people in the audience.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene owns stock in vaccines, Jewish space lasers

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After it was reported that U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene owned stock in three COVID-19 vaccine makers earlier this month, despite being critical of vaccines and vaccine mandates, further disclosures have revealed that Greene also owns stock in Jewish space lasers.

Scrutiny of Greene’s financial disclosures shows ownership of stock in the Goldfarbstein conglomerate, which makes diverse products including matzo, chocolate coins, dreidels, and high-powered space lasers.

Some have speculated that these Goldfarbstein space lasers could have terrifying capabilities, such as starting wildfires, vaporizing gentiles, or making a laser light show extravaganza based on the music of Neil Diamond.

“Representative Greene’s hypocrisy is disturbing, especially knowing that these Jewish space lasers can cause such mass destruction,” said north Georgia resident Finn Showalter. “It’s frightening to think that after a laser attack, your anguished cries would be said to no one there. And no one heard at all.”

“Not even the chair,” said Showalter. “Oy vey.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene purchases bullshit detector on Craigslist

After receiving wide criticism for her support of wild conspiracy theories on social media, North Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene announced that she purchased a bullshit detector from someone on Craigslist.

This bullshit detector, which resembles a waffle iron glued to a lava lamp wrapped with Christmas string lights, was purchased by Greene from a man known as “Lortab Larry” for $5000, paid in Applebee’s gift cards.

Greene, who in the last few years has supported allegations that the Parkland and Sandy Hook shootings were “false flag” events and that Democrats are part of a global cabal of Satanic, cannibalistic pedophiles, will use the bullshit detector to determine the veracity of claims from her constituents.

“I just got this email from one of my supporters that as a child, AOC was possessed by the devil and could rotate her head all the way around and also that she once rigged a bus so that it would explode if it went below 50 mph, and also she was responsible for the Rwandan genocide and participated in a human centipede in college, just for fun,” said Greene, before feeding a printout into her bullshit detector.

“Well what do you know, it’s all true,” said Greene, nodding solemnly.

D.C. rioters upset by Kanye, Kim breakup, suggests Rep. Fleischmann

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After rioters carrying Trump flags stormed the U.S. Capitol yesterday, Congressman Chuck Fleischmann told a WDEF reporter “I don’t know what is motivating these people” and then later added that maybe the possible impending divorce between Kanye West and Kim Kardashian was the reason.

“It’s really heartbreaking, because I’ve been pulling for those two wacky lovebirds on their crazy rollercoaster ride of life, love and laughter,” said Fleischmann. “I had to listen to Yeezus on vinyl in my underground bunker to console myself.”

“I’m upset too, but I will always condemn violence, whether it comes from the right, the left, the center, or rabid Kanye and Kim fans,” said Fleischmann.

Trump finds missing 11,780 ballots in Ark of the Covenant in Dalton

At a rally today in Dalton, Georgia, one day before the state’s runoff elections for its U.S. Senate seats, President Trump announced that he found 11,780 missing Presidential election ballots, hidden inside the legendary Ark of the Covenant, buried under a pile of discarded carpet samples.

Trump drew fierce criticism after a conversation leaked in which he asked Georgia secretary of state Brad Raffensperger, a Republican, to “find 11,780 votes” that would tilt Georgia to favor Trump rather than the President-elect, Joe Biden.

“If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself,” said Trump to thousands of followers at Dalton’s regional airport. “Sad!”

As Trump read the ballots, one by one, he was pleased to discover that all of them were votes for him.

“I had Pence open the Ark for me, because I saw what happened in that Indiana Jones documentary to those Nazis,” said Trump.

Megachurch to add snake handling, live tigers to packed, maskless services

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After receiving criticism for holding indoor church services with hundreds of people without distancing or mask requirements, a Cleveland megachurch decided to step up their faith by adding snake handling and live tigers to their services, during a time when Tennessee was ranked first in the nation for new COVID-19 cases per capita.

“Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek, but he also taught us not to be pussies,” said churchgoer Clyde Tamrenn. “Man, having these tigers just roam free is taking my faith to the next level, even though they’re kind of spooked by the loud music and all the jumping and singing and people falling down crying.”

“Y’all, dig on this double dog determinism from my main man John Calvin: God already knows if each of us is preordained to eternal life or eternal damnation, along with the interpretation of divine foreknowledge and omniscience that can be compatible with metaphysical free will,” said Tamrenn. “So even if we choose to party with these rattlesnakes and wild tigers, whether or not we get poisoned and horribly mauled is up to God’s will.”

“So likewise, I can choose to walk across a busy highway without looking, and if I die, then hey, God’s will,” said Tamrenn. “At least I’m not a pussy, like Satan.”

Rhonda Thurman ceremonially shaves opponent’s head after election win

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After being re-elected to represent District 1 on the Hamilton County school board, Rhonda Thurman ceremonially shaved the head of her opponent, Stephen Vickers, to mark the victory.

In a hidden chamber accessible from the school board meeting room through a secret passageway, Thurman first kneeled on the tiled floor wearing a large black robe and a tall and wide-brimmed hat that obscured her face.

With slow, methodical movements, she poured water from a silver pitcher into an ornamental silver bowl resembling a clam shell, moistening a washcloth before wiping the face of Vickers, who had disrobed and kneeled solemnly.

Thurman used scissors to cut away Vickers’ light brown hair before cleanly shaving his scalp with a set of antique manually operated hair clippers; she held his freshly bald head in the palm of her hand, thus signalling the end of the ritual that the Hamilton County school board has held every election season for centuries.

The owner of a beauty salon, Thurman was a center of controversy in April regarding comments about opening small businesses during the COVID-19 pandemic.

To further celebrate her victory, Thurman offered free “bowl cut” haircuts at her beauty salon.

“Moe Moe Moe! How do you like it, how do you like it?” sang Thurman, as she quickly snipped her scissors, making willing men and women resemble Moe Howard from the Three Stooges.

“B.Y.O.B. y’all!” said Thurman. “Bring your own bowl!”

City Council schedules 143 Zoom meetings to hear citizens’ police concerns

After a marathon 7-hour City Council meeting on Zoom, including statements from over 250 citizens, the City Council scheduled an additional 143 7-hour Zoom meetings in order to hear all of the concerns from citizens regarding the police budget, after 10 days of protests and marches in the aftermath of George Floyd’s death.

“We’ve got thousands more statements to listen to, and we’ll listen to them all, by gum,” said one councilperson. “We’ve got a case of Diet Coke. We’ve got packs of NoDoz. We’ve even got those eye clamp things to force our eyes to stay open, like in the movie ‘A Clockwork Orange.'”

“We do want to suggest that people talk as fast as they can, and if possible, take speed-talking or auctioneer classes on the web,” said the councilperson.

“Also, try to be economical with your words,” said the councilperson. “Like, instead of saying, ‘police brutality is a motherfucker,’ you could simply say, ‘police brutality is a fucker,’ and save yourself two syllables.”

Everyday heroes: adult bookstore donates 1,000 gimp masks to local hospitals

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A Chattanooga adult bookstore has responded to the issue of limited supplies of face masks for medical personnel and caretakers, in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, by donating 1,000 gimp masks to hospitals.

“It warms my heart to see such an outpouring of kindness and generosity during this challenging time,” said local bondage enthusiast Ashley Umswig. “And these are high-quality gimp masks, too, made of genuine full-grain black leather.”

This donation comes at a time when local residents have volunteered to create homemade masks for medical professionals, in preparation for possible shortages.

Medical experts do not recommend using ball-gags for protection against communicable diseases such as COVID-19, because they do not provide adequate coverage.

Experts warn: cheaper-than-milk gas is no substitute for milk

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With the price of gasoline dropping well below $2 a gallon in Chattanooga, making it less expensive than milk, experts are reminding residents that gas is not an acceptable substitute for milk.

Facing the COVID-19 pandemic, residents are seeing local grocery stores sell out of staples and necessities like milk, bread, and toilet paper, sometimes forcing them to substitute items or be resourceful.

“If you’re out of milk, it might be tempting to fill your breakfast cereal bowl with some unleaded gas instead, since it’s now cheaper than milk,” said local petroleum and dairy expert Kim Attnius. “My expert advice to you is to strongly recommend against it.”

“Also, sandpaper is not a good substitute for toilet paper,” said Attnius. “I’m not an expert on toilet paper, so I had to learn this the hard way.”

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