Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Rep. Fleischmann to circumcise self to show support for Israel

Rep. Chuck Fleischmann announced that he would circumcise himself to demonstrate support for Israel, at a press conference outside Memo’s Chopped Wieners on MLK Blvd. today.

This announcement comes after video emerged of Fleischmann telling activists “Goodbye to Palestine” and saying “I will never support you” directly to one.

“Critics have accused me and my party of reducing everything to just right and wrong, black and white, us and them,” said Fleischmann, whose religious affiliation is Catholic. “Well I can tell you one thing for sure: my wiener is either chopped or unchopped, and starting today, I’m chopped, baby!”

“Although I’ve got a very steady hand, I was thinking of hiring a mohel, and I know one who offers a cut rate,” said Fleischmann, garnering laughter. “Just a little off the top, please. I kid. He actually does it for free – he just takes tips.”

Police Academy enrollment skyrockets after adding “Naked Lady Catching” training

Enrollment in Chattanooga’s Police Academy training has reportedly skyrocketed, after the addition of a new training course on how to catch naked ladies.

The training course was added after a video went viral this week, showing two police officers attempting and failing to catch a naked lady running away from them near Highway 153, with one officer slipping and falling and the other officer shrugging after the incident.

Following the video’s release was overwhelming public outrage over the lack of necessary training for police to deal with such incidents.

“Yes, it’s true that police need serious training to deal with situations like facing active shooters or having to sing the national anthem,” said Chattanooga resident Scottie Kommeda. “But, gosh darn it, they also need the proper training to grab and tackle wet and wild naked ladies who are on the loose, with their bits all flippety-floppety.”

The comprehensive new training course, which will be required for all police officers, will include tactics for catching naked ladies who may be covered with a variety of slippery substances, such as baby oil, Jello, and movie theater butter.

Chattanooga Bystander’s 2023 in Review

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March: Lipstick-wearing Bugs Bunny arrested for defying TN drag show ban

Bugs Bunny in drag

April: Hero Kid Rock shoots aggressive Bud Light cans in self-defense

Kid Rock shooting cans of Bud Light

May: TN House Republicans introduce megaphone ban after Covenant Shooting

District 52 Tenn. Rep. Justin Jones with megaphone

June: Crypto influencer Gary Vee says “Shitty NFT scribbles are the future of finance” 
Grown man introduces childish hen-scratched cartoon characters with a straight face, such as Grifter Grizzly Bear, Ponzi Panda, Speculative Bubble Bumblebee, and Pump-N-Dump Penguin.

"VeeFriends" NFT and Gary Vaynerchuk (inset)

September:  Local school admins completely baffled by wave of teachers quitting their low-paying, soul-crushing, glorified-babysitting job

Teacher contemplating her life's mistakes including becoming a teacher

October: Rep. Fleischmann almost becomes new House Speaker and when we say “almost” we mean “not even close”

Text messages from Rep. Chuck Fleischmann to Donald Trump

Mayor Kelly seen filling potholes before midnight NYE to boost 2023 number

According to eyewitnesses, Mayor Tim Kelly was seen at various locations just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, frantically filling potholes in what appears to be an attempt to boost the number of potholes filled in 2023 in Chattanooga.

Kelly reportedly was wearing a long, black cape with a piece of felt cut out to resemble a shovel, sewn to it, and dragging a large sack of steaming asphalt, scampering about like a nocturnal creature in the final, shadowy hour of the year.

Witnesses said they could hear him mumbling to himself phrases such as, “Got to reach 20,000,” “You can do it, Timmy Boy,” and “I am the Prince of Potholes.”

Zach Wamp adopts 33 children to run in all local elections

At a press conference today, former U.S. Representative Zach Wamp announced that he had recently adopted 33 children who would run in all Hamilton County elections happening in 2022.

These adopted children would be joining Wamp’s two other children, Weston and Coty, who are primary election candidates for County Mayor and District Attorney, respectively.

“Would you just look at these bundles of joy?” said Zach Wamp, as he motioned toward the crowd of adopted children, aged 18 and older to meet candidacy age requirements. “Everybody might not know that it’s perfectly legal to adopt adults, and wouldn’t you, after seeing these precious little dumplings?”

Wamp’s adopted children were mostly lawyers, real estate brokers and developers, many in advanced middle age or older.

“I just want to say that if my new children want to play little league or take ballet lessons, I fully support them, as long as it doesn’t interfere with them running for elected office,” said Wamp, while ruffling the gray hair of 70-year-old estate lawyer, Harlan Wamp.

“Now, some may accuse me of empire-building,” said Wamp. “That is simply not the case. I prefer the word ‘dynasty.’ ‘Royalty’ works, too.”

Wamp has approached Matt Hullander and Sabrena Smedley, who are also primary candidates for County Mayor, asking them if they want to be adopted by him; Hullander’s father, Bill Hullander, who is the incumbent primary candidate for County Trustee, has offered Matt a Disney World vacation as a counteroffer.

“WAMP! There it is! WAMP! There it is!” chanted Wamp, while leading his children in making the “raise the roof” motion with his hands.

“Daddy, can we get ice cream now?” asked Harlan Wamp while gently tugging on his father’s arm, melting the hearts of people in the audience.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene owns stock in vaccines, Jewish space lasers

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After it was reported that U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene owned stock in three COVID-19 vaccine makers earlier this month, despite being critical of vaccines and vaccine mandates, further disclosures have revealed that Greene also owns stock in Jewish space lasers.

Scrutiny of Greene’s financial disclosures shows ownership of stock in the Goldfarbstein conglomerate, which makes diverse products including matzo, chocolate coins, dreidels, and high-powered space lasers.

Some have speculated that these Goldfarbstein space lasers could have terrifying capabilities, such as starting wildfires, vaporizing gentiles, or making a laser light show extravaganza based on the music of Neil Diamond.

“Representative Greene’s hypocrisy is disturbing, especially knowing that these Jewish space lasers can cause such mass destruction,” said north Georgia resident Finn Showalter. “It’s frightening to think that after a laser attack, your anguished cries would be said to no one there. And no one heard at all.”

“Not even the chair,” said Showalter. “Oy vey.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene purchases bullshit detector on Craigslist

After receiving wide criticism for her support of wild conspiracy theories on social media, North Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene announced that she purchased a bullshit detector from someone on Craigslist.

This bullshit detector, which resembles a waffle iron glued to a lava lamp wrapped with Christmas string lights, was purchased by Greene from a man known as “Lortab Larry” for $5000, paid in Applebee’s gift cards.

Greene, who in the last few years has supported allegations that the Parkland and Sandy Hook shootings were “false flag” events and that Democrats are part of a global cabal of Satanic, cannibalistic pedophiles, will use the bullshit detector to determine the veracity of claims from her constituents.

“I just got this email from one of my supporters that as a child, AOC was possessed by the devil and could rotate her head all the way around and also that she once rigged a bus so that it would explode if it went below 50 mph, and also she was responsible for the Rwandan genocide and participated in a human centipede in college, just for fun,” said Greene, before feeding a printout into her bullshit detector.

“Well what do you know, it’s all true,” said Greene, nodding solemnly.

D.C. rioters upset by Kanye, Kim breakup, suggests Rep. Fleischmann

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After rioters carrying Trump flags stormed the U.S. Capitol yesterday, Congressman Chuck Fleischmann told a WDEF reporter “I don’t know what is motivating these people” and then later added that maybe the possible impending divorce between Kanye West and Kim Kardashian was the reason.

“It’s really heartbreaking, because I’ve been pulling for those two wacky lovebirds on their crazy rollercoaster ride of life, love and laughter,” said Fleischmann. “I had to listen to Yeezus on vinyl in my underground bunker to console myself.”

“I’m upset too, but I will always condemn violence, whether it comes from the right, the left, the center, or rabid Kanye and Kim fans,” said Fleischmann.

Trump finds missing 11,780 ballots in Ark of the Covenant in Dalton

At a rally today in Dalton, Georgia, one day before the state’s runoff elections for its U.S. Senate seats, President Trump announced that he found 11,780 missing Presidential election ballots, hidden inside the legendary Ark of the Covenant, buried under a pile of discarded carpet samples.

Trump drew fierce criticism after a conversation leaked in which he asked Georgia secretary of state Brad Raffensperger, a Republican, to “find 11,780 votes” that would tilt Georgia to favor Trump rather than the President-elect, Joe Biden.

“If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself,” said Trump to thousands of followers at Dalton’s regional airport. “Sad!”

As Trump read the ballots, one by one, he was pleased to discover that all of them were votes for him.

“I had Pence open the Ark for me, because I saw what happened in that Indiana Jones documentary to those Nazis,” said Trump.

Megachurch to add snake handling, live tigers to packed, maskless services

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After receiving criticism for holding indoor church services with hundreds of people without distancing or mask requirements, a Cleveland megachurch decided to step up their faith by adding snake handling and live tigers to their services, during a time when Tennessee was ranked first in the nation for new COVID-19 cases per capita.

“Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek, but he also taught us not to be pussies,” said churchgoer Clyde Tamrenn. “Man, having these tigers just roam free is taking my faith to the next level, even though they’re kind of spooked by the loud music and all the jumping and singing and people falling down crying.”

“Y’all, dig on this double dog determinism from my main man John Calvin: God already knows if each of us is preordained to eternal life or eternal damnation, along with the interpretation of divine foreknowledge and omniscience that can be compatible with metaphysical free will,” said Tamrenn. “So even if we choose to party with these rattlesnakes and wild tigers, whether or not we get poisoned and horribly mauled is up to God’s will.”

“So likewise, I can choose to walk across a busy highway without looking, and if I die, then hey, God’s will,” said Tamrenn. “At least I’m not a pussy, like Satan.”

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