Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Bike Chattanooga to introduce jetpack rentals in 2014

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Jetpack (Used under the GFDL v1.2 license. Source: Fir0002/Flagstaffotos)
Jetpack (Used under the GFDL v1.2 license. Source: Fir0002/Flagstaffotos)

Bike Chattanooga, the group that administers Chattanooga’s bike-sharing program, has received scrutiny lately, with concerns that it will be able to be profitable, after exhausting most of a $2 million federal grant yet only generating a small fraction of that in revenue so far.

At a press conference today, Bike Chattanooga director Taylor Vettellini unveiled a bold, new plan on the cutting edge of technology that seeks to make Bike Chattanooga sustainable by offering next year at its existing 31 bike-rental stations the additional option of renting a jetpack.

“The future is now,” said Vettellini. “Jetpacks have long captured the imagination in science fiction movies, and although it may be hard to believe, this mode of transportation will be available to Chattanoogans within one year.”

“We have the technology,” said Vettellini. “It is mind-boggling what science has brought us today. Google has developed a car that can drive itself, medical researchers are capable of building replacement human tissue from scratch and the smartphone that you are holding in your hand has more computing power than all the computers NASA had in 1969 for its moon landing program.”

“Imagine being at the Chattanooga Market, strapping on a jetpack, and 30 seconds later, being at Coolidge Park on the North Shore,” said Vettellini.

“Our pilot program—pun intended—has so far been a resounding success,” said Vettellini. “We have only had two fatalities so far.”

“This is 100% green technology, using state-of-the-art Lithium Silicon Polymer battery packs,” explained Vettellini. “Propelling a jetpack through the air takes huge amounts of energy, and we considered the situation where a pilot might have exhausted all the battery power in the middle of a flight. So, we have added a hand crank to the jetpack, so the pilot simply needs to vigorously crank away to generate enough electricity to complete the flight.”

Vettellini explained that the jetpacks to be introduced in 2014 are designed for solo pilots, although future models may be available to accommodate children, pets or even tandem flights.

“How romantic would that be? An exhilarating flight under the moonlight on a jetpack built for two,” said Vettellini.

Bike Chattanooga rental station
Bike Chattanooga rental station

 

Paula Deen buys Sluggo’s Vegetarian Café

Paula Deen (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/8Nnvtd)
Paula Deen (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/8Nnvtd)

The embattled celebrity Southern-cooking chef Paula Deen, who has recently endured widespread criticism for admitting to using a racial slur in the past, is seeing her empire slowly crumble, having her TV show “Paula’s Home Cooking” dropped by the Food Network and endorsement deals severed with Smithfield Foods and Wal-Mart, among others.

However, Deen has wasted no time in rebuilding her empire with a new plan for strategically purchasing beloved restaurants in the American South and re-branding them under Deen’s name, and the first acquisition, announced Friday afternoon at a press conference, was the Cherokee Blvd. restaurant Sluggo’s North Vegetarian Café.

“Hoo boy, I tell you what!” said Deen’s brother and appointed executive restaurant manager Earl “Bubba” Hiers to a crowd of reporters. “I reckon I’m happier than a possum in a corncrib, about this here restaurant.”

Hiers explained that Sluggo’s North Vegetarian Café would be renamed “Paula’s Sluggo’s Omnivorous Café” to accurately reflect the more diverse menu, which will now include dairy and meat products in addition to restaurant features such as Paula’s Self-serve Butter Bar and Paula’s Unlimited Butter Bowl.

“If you have a hankerin’ for some real daggum breakfast food, try our hoecakes and southern omelets, fixed with all whites if you prefer,” said Hiers. “Or for dessert, have some of Paula’s famous Brown Betty. Our food tastes so good you’ll wanna slap your grandma, I tell you what.”

Responding to a reporter’s question about whether or not the restaurant will still feature vegan dishes, Hiers bellowed out with a smile, “Get thee behind me, seitan!” garnering chuckles from the crowd.

“Now I know some of you might have diabeetus like my sister and are looking for more healthy chow,” said Hiers, before describing the new “Strange Fruit” juice bar, the “half butter” option for certain entrées and doses of insulin available à la carte.

Paula’s Sluggo’s Omnivorous Café will also offer angioplasties performed onsite.

Hiers mentioned that the downstairs music venue will remain open, and next month’s re-opening of the restaurant and venue will feature his country/hip-hop group Crackaz Wit Butta.
Sluggo's Vegetarian Cafe (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dJNYM4)
Sluggo’s Vegetarian Cafe (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dJNYM4)

 

Mayor Berke posts twerking videos to reach young adults

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Ass (Used under the CC-BY-SA 2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/4LfyRg)
Ass (Used under the CC-BY-SA 2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/4LfyRg)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Mayor Berke revealed a new 21st century initiative to reach young-adult constituents through homemade twerking videos posted to the Internet.

Berke unveiled his new Tumblr blog, entitled “Look At This Twerking Mayor,” which features a new, short video every weekday of Berke providing a positive message while twerking, which is the currently popular dance-based art form that involves the vigorous shaking of one’s buttocks.

“In this day and age, it is imperative that we explore new methods of communication while using the latest technology available to us,” said Berke. “Millions of people around the world watch twerking videos every single day, and we would be remiss to not take advantage of this popular medium for civic engagement.”

Berke played a few examples, including one video in which he says, “Transparency is essential in government for accountability and to build trust. My solemn vow is to have an administration that is as transparent as these clear plastic hot pants I’m wearing right now.”

In the video, Berke then turned away from the camera and proceeded to pop his booty for 15 seconds while looking over his shoulder directly at the camera with his lips pursed.

Another video featured Berke wearing Daisy Dukes with the letters “STEM” sewn to the rear. “Science, technology, engineering, math,” said Berke in the video. “They’re not just for nerds.”

Berke immediately began to gyrate rhythmically to the sounds of Tyga’s “Rack City.”

“I learned this move while at Stanford,” said Berke. “Would an ass like this lie to you?” he said, while gently spanking himself.

Chattanooga Stunt visioning initiative seeks 1 million surveys: “Let’s reinvent the wheel”

Chattanooga Stunt logo
Chattanooga Stunt logo

At a press conference Friday afternoon, a new community visioning initiative was unveiled with a distinctive, eye-catching yellow-and-black logo, called Chattanooga Stunt which seeks to help shape the future of the city by asking one million Chattanooga residents to complete a short survey about their concerns and ideas.

“You might be thinking, isn’t one million just some totally arbitrary large number?” said Chattanooga Stunt lead coordinator Robin Fredamont. “Doesn’t Chattanooga just have a population of 170,000, anyway? To those people, I say, ‘That’s inside-the-box thinking.'”

“I remember as a child watching Evel Knievel on TV make a record-breaking motorcycle jump over 18 cars,” said Fredamont. “Then how did he top that? The following year, he jumped over 19 cars.”

“More is always better,” explained Fredamont. “If 25,000 surveys is good, then 100,000 must be four times better. And 1,000,000 must be ten times better than that.”

“Chattanooga’s main concerns are education, crime, jobs and economic development, and we are proud of its natural beauty and downtown area,” said Fredamont. “This is stuff we already know. But we really really want to be sure, so that’s why we’re going to ask one million people.”

“Chattanooga is kind of like a wheel—sure, it works OK, but it’s been around for so long, just going around and around,” said Fredamont.

“Let’s reinvent Chattanooga. Let’s reinvent the wheel,” said Fredamont, who was met with thunderous applause.

“Chattanooga is currently experiencing a truly wondrous transformation from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan, and it’s due to the hard work, ingenuity and effort of many, many people over many, many years,” said Fredamont. “But, we at Chattanooga Stunt are happy to take the credit.”

“This visioning initiative will yield many benefits for our community, and when I say, ‘our community’ I really mean ‘my colleagues and myself,'” said Fredamont. “At the end of this campaign, we’ll have one million names and email addresses that we can spam for future enterprises, and this project will look great on our résumés.”

“The beauty of an effort like this is that if you’re not for us, then you’re against us and by extension, against Chattanooga, so I implore you and all Chattanooga organizations to join us,” said Fredamont. “History is written by the victors.”

Riverbend organizers give up, outsource Insane Clown Posse

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Insane Clown Posse (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9xUQ1D)
Insane Clown Posse (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9xUQ1D)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon it was announced that Friends of the Festival, the organization that coordinates the annual Riverbend music festival, has outsourced next year’s event and all future events to the Michigan horrorcore hip-hop duo Insane Clown Posse.

“We give up,” said head Riverbend organizer Ginger Dewarr. “We are sick of it, busting our butts all year long, volunteering our time and effort, to put on this huge festival that draws tens of thousands of attendees and is an incredible bargain, and people just whine like entitled, ungrateful little shits.”

“From this point forward, our board of directors has unanimously agreed to employ the services of Insane Clown Posse to organize and curate all future Riverbend Festivals,” said Dewarr. “This is a win-win situation, taking the responsibility and blame off our hands and saving us money, since we only have to pay them with a dozen cases of Faygo.”

Dewarr explained that Riverbend would now be a southern extension of the annual “Gathering of the Juggalos” outdoor festival presented by Insane Clown Posse since 2000.

Representatives DJ Clay and Sugar Slam then took the podium while shouting out “Whoop whoop!” and spraying the soft drink Faygo onto the first row in the audience.

“What up ninjas! We are bringing the Dark Carnival to this backwoods bitch-ass town,” said DJ Clay. “The whole Psychopathic Records family, yo, plus wrestling, the Neden Game, wet t-shirt Juggalette contests, and more.”

“We’ll have magicians, jugglers, dudes on stilts, a giant water slide, real Midway games, and other things you might expect to see at a five-year-old’s birthday party,” said Sugar Slam.

Insane Clown Posse member Violent J appeared via a remote video link on a giant screen and explained that while the original Midwest “Gathering of the Juggalos” event is like Mecca for Juggalos—the nickname for fans of the band—the new Chattanooga event will be like Medina.

Violent J announced that the 2014 Riverbend lineup will include Kanye West, Daft Punk, Jack White, Wu-Tang Clan, Radiohead, Katy Perry, Tom Waits, Dirty Projectors and Vanilla Ice.

Christian band Newsboys banned from Riverbend after offensive performance

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Newsboys, from Australia (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9HWkmo)
Newsboys, from Australia (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9HWkmo)

The headlining act of the 2013 Riverbend Festival’s Family & Faith Night, the Australian Christian rock band Newsboys, has been banned from performing at future Riverbend Festivals after a controversial Tuesday night performance.

The band members, clad in black leather clothing, gave a performance filled with gratuitous nudity, onstage drinking and copious profanity.

“We received very, very, very many disgruntled emails,” said head Riverbend organizer Ginger Dewarr. “Those Vegemite-munching koala-humpers won’t be coming back.”

The quartet began the performance with an enthusiastic rendition of the group’s hit song “F-ck You, Satan!” before playing another fan-favorite, “Crazy (Like a Motherf-cker about Jesus).”

Newsboys lead singer Michael Tait, also known as a founding member of DC Talk, then began the sacrament of Holy Communion onstage by throwing loaves of bread into the audience while saying, “Jesus said, ‘This is my body, broken for you. Do this in remembrance of me.'”

Tait proceeded to grab his shirt with both hands and rip it off his body, revealing his six-pack abs, saying, “And this is my body. My awesome, ripped body, for you.”

Tait then mooned the audience.

Continuing the sacrament, Tait poured a generous helping of communion wine into a large silver chalice and drank it in one gulp, before swiftly pouring another serving and imbibing it.

“We have written their management a stern letter, and it’s safe to say they won’t be coming back,” said Dewarr. “Where’s your savior now, Jesus-boys?”

Strut renamed “Bessie and Will Smith Strut”

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Will Smith (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9Q1f4h)
Will Smith (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9Q1f4h)
At a press conference Friday afternoon, it was announced by representatives of the Bessie Smith Cultural Center that the Bessie Smith Strut—the popular annual street party event held on ML King Blvd. as part of Riverbend—was to be renamed “The Bessie and Will Smith Strut,” by unanimous decision of the organizers.

The new name comes one year after several notable changes were made to the festival, including charging an admission fee for the formerly free event, beefing up security and enclosing the grounds of the Strut with fencing.

Head organizer Pat Loorey explained that the name change was made in an attempt to draw a bigger audience and be more accessible by appealing to fans of Will Smith, known as a star of many blockbuster films including Men in Black and Independence Day and as a rapper with the moniker “The Fresh Prince.”

Will Smith is not related to the legendary blues singer Bessie Smith nor has any formal connection to Chattanooga.

“Bessie Smith was rightfully called ‘The Empress of the Blues,’ and her rich, soulful voice lives on,” said Loorey. “But parts of her life are frightful and not exactly family-friendly, like her alcoholism and promiscuity.”

“She had some depressing and disturbing songs, with titles like ‘Send Me to the ‘Lectric Chair’ and ‘Wasted Life Blues,'” continued Loorey. “Have you heard ‘St. Louis Blues‘? It’s goddamn creepy.”

“Now Will Smith—there’s an entertainer that every man, woman and child in Chattanooga can get behind,” said Loorey, who also pointed out that Will Smith will not be in attendance.

“Come on down Monday and raise an oversized turkey leg to Bessie and Will, and any other successful black people who have the last name ‘Smith,'” said Loorey.

Bessie Smith (Credit: Carl Van Vechten)
Bessie Smith (Credit: Carl Van Vechten)

Riverbend drops Cee Lo, citing ban on “current, popular and relevant” acts

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Cee Lo (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/5bADEf)
Cee Lo (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/5bADEf)

To the disappointment of many Chattanooga music fans, it was announced today at a press conference by the Friends of the Festival, the group that organizes the Riverbend music festival, that unfortunately Cee Lo Green was dropped from the 2013 Riverbend lineup.

The reason behind the cancellation was a rule that has been in effect for the entire 31-year history of the annual nine-day summer music festival, which states that acts that are “current, popular and relevant” are barred from playing the festival.

“We deeply regret the error,” said head festival organizer Ginger Dewarr. “We thought enough years had passed since ‘Crazy’ by Gnarls Barkley was a smash hit, but we totally forgot about Cee Lo’s ‘Forget You.'”

Riverbend Festival regulations state that a performer must not have had a bona fide hit song within the last five years, and Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You,” also known in an unbowdlerized form as “F-ck You,” was both a commercial and critical success in 2010.

“Brandy was able to stay on the bill, because her star had fallen enough in the last few years with her last couple of albums,” explained Dewarr.

“’80s one-hit wonders, past-their-prime rock dinosaurs milking the county fair circuit, ’60s acts with only one original member left: that is the true spirit and bread-and-butter of Riverbend,” said Dewarr.

The current 2013 Riverbend Festival lineup includes the bands Lynyrd Skynyrd, Psychedelic Furs, and 10,000 Maniacs without Natalie Merchant.

“Although Cee Lo fans may be disappointed,” said Dewarr, “we are pleased to announce that the money that would have gone to Cee Lo was used to put seventeen more acts on the lineup, including the ’70s British rock band Foghat, Marcy Playground, Fred Durst Unplugged and a Guttermouth cover band called ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Guttermouth!'”

Scottie Mayfield now ready for debates, ten months after primary election

Scottie Mayfield
Scottie Mayfield

At a press conference last Friday afternoon, former Mayfield Dairy Farms president Scottie Mayfield announced that he was now ready to participate in debates for the Republican primary election for Tennessee’s 3rd congressional district, despite losing ten months ago to incumbent Rep. Chuck Fleischmann (R-Tenn.)

Unbeknownst to Mayfield, he was defeated along with contender Weston Wamp by Fleischmann, who went on to win the general election last November against Democratic candidate Mary Headrick and Libertarian candidate Matthew Deniston.

Mayfield was widely criticized last year for refusing to participate in any debates with other candidates, leading some to conclude that he was not sufficiently knowledgeable about state and national politics to be a viable candidate.

“I’m ready to debate, so bring it on,” said the bow-tie-wearing Mayfield, while waving his hands toward himself. “Let’s talk about Medicare. Let’s talk about jobs. Let’s talk about the Teapot Dome scandal and the Spanish-American War. I have been studying like a champ, and my tutor said I’ve been making impressive progress.”

The Chattanooga Bystander spoke with Mayfield’s tutor, Faith Behlamy, who said, “None of us could bear to tell the poor old guy that he lost the primary. I didn’t teach him about election cycles and when elections take place yet, and I admit to withholding that info on purpose.”

“Could you blame me?” said Behlamy. “This is the best job I’ve ever had: $50 an hour to review flash cards with him, plus all the ice cream I can eat. I am milking these udders ’til they’re dry. I wish I had the heart to tell Scottie his expiration date has passed.”

Sandy the Flower Man wins USA Cycling Championship

Sandy the Flower Man (Source: http://tinyurl.com/sandyflowerman)
Sandy the Flower Man (Source: http://tinyurl.com/sandyflowerman)

In a stunning victory, defeating dozens of seasoned, professional cyclists, local celebrity Sandy the Flower Man won the USA Cycling Professional Time Trial Championship, held for the first time in Chattanooga over the weekend after starting in Philadelphia in 1985 and being held for the last seven years in Greenville, S.C.

Sandy the Flower Man, whose real name is Oterius Bell, unintentionally won the championship race because he was strongly compelled to travel to the downtown area immediately, but he was told by race officials that the roads were blocked off because of the event and that the only way he could make his way downtown unimpeded was to officially enter the competition.

“I just had this feeling that, right at that time, there were two young lovers somewhere downtown who needed to be brought together, and my giving the young lady a daffodil was going to be the catalyst for this budding romance,” said Sandy the Flower Man, after winning the race. “I had to do everything within my ability to make this happen.”

Sandy the Flower Man is a Chattanooga mainstay, often seen riding his bicycle and wearing his trademark black cowboy hat and sleeveless vest during the evening and late-night hours around downtown establishments, handing out flowers with a gentle, welcoming smile.

The U.S. Marine Corps veteran works as a handyman during the daytime hours and is a cancer survivor, leading some spectators to make comparisons to cancer survivor and cyclist Lance Armstrong, if Armstrong gave away flowers and didn’t illegally use performance enhancing drugs and didn’t disappoint millions of people.

After Sandy the Flower Man fiercely pedaled his way past the finish line, he was presented with a medal and a bouquet of flowers, to which he replied, “Oh my!” expressing both surprise and delight.

Sandy immediately threw down his bicycle and began to dismantle the flower bouquet, handing out the blossoms to couples as he made his way through the cheering crowd on his determined matchmaking quest.

Sandy the Flower Man
Sandy the Flower Man