Dirk Savage

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Times Free Press announces new web series of Lesley Dale just playing on her phone

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In an effort to bring in more asinine comments to its Facebook page, the Chattanooga Times Free Press announced plans for a new web series of digital reporter Lesley Dale staring into her phone.
Lesley Dale became the Time Free Press digital reporter after local legend and male model Harrison Keely left for Las Vegas over a year ago. He is still greatly missed.
“We believe viewers with literally nothing else to do during the day will be excited about our new program,” explained Times Free Press spokesmen Michael Coleman. “Ms. Dale will inform everyone she is here at the TFP and then immediately launch into fiddling around on her phone for thirty to forty-five minutes.”

Chief Fred Fletcher announces plans to sell dietary supplements after retirement

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Some weeks after Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher announced retirement after his contract ends this summer, Fletcher revealed plans to supplement his income by offering a broad range of dietary and energy supplements.
Fletcher, who has been Chattanooga Police chief since 2014, has always dreamed of being his own boss and exploring his maximum potential.
“While the fight to keep the streets of Chattanooga safe from gang violence must continue, preparing your future for health and financial success must be a priority as well,” explained Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher, while sitting on a flowery upholstered love seat, surrounded by a dozen middle-aged men and women.

Trump arrives in Chattanooga for Southside Social’s new dress code unveiling

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After months of these darn kids causing a ruckus, Chattanooga’s Southside Social announced a new dress code that will be unveiled by none other than President Donald J Trump. The arrival comes after a representative from the establishment vowed to “Make Southside Social Great Again!”.

Experts believe some new requirements of the dress code, like no baggy clothing, will help relieve some injuries from patrons trying to scale a newly constructed wall around the building, that East Lake will pay for.

“It’s a great new dress code, really terrific. No more having to look at people play skeeball dressed like the Village People, I can tell you this,” explained President Trump while looking to a table with 30 copies of the new Southside Social dress code. ”

 

 

 

 

Andy Berke releases Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework

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After a week of grueling debates between candidates for the 2017 Chattanooga Mayorship, Andy Berke has announced he has uncovered opponent Councilman Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework. The revelation comes just days after Grohn released some bullshit he thought was worthwhile against Berke.

Experts believe Councilman Larry Grohn secretly helped his grandson with the homework in question, but are left troubled by a grade of C-.

“As you can clearly see, Councilman Grohn clearly has his mind set on other things since his handwriting is all over this homework,” explained Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke, while holding up Algebra homework that was graded as C-. “How can we trust a man who can’t even help his grandson achieve at least an A- to lead our dear city?”

 

Eddie Pontiac turns down inauguration musical invite

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Local musician and Mexican restaurant staple Eddie Pontiac announced he had declined an invitation to play at Friday’s inauguration for President Elect Donald Trump.

Pontiac, who many call the man with the golden voice, has entertained Mexican restaurant patrons for over 20 years.

Experts believe Pontiac opted to decline the invitation to perform due to prior commitments of playing for 8 hours Friday evening at El Mason.

“While many people will be kind and brake for me, I will not brake for Trump this Friday,” explained Pontiac, while strumming thru a rendition of the Joker.

Trump cites Harrison Keely morning videos as only credible news source

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After weeks of railing against so-called “fake news” sources, President-elect Donald Trump announced he only trusts from morning anchor Harrison Keely. The announcement comes as a surprise as Keely has apparently not reported morning news in many months.

Trump shocked the nation when he called CNN a fake news organization during a press conference this morning. Experts believe Trump has a fondness for Keely, mostly because of his early morning news reports since Trump is usually already awake from trolling Twitter all night.

“Believe me, no one can be trusted more than Harrison Keely, I can tell you this”, explained Trump. “Go to the internets and Google “Harrison Keely” and you’ll find high energy, especially in a video called Yellow Journalism.”

Police blame Hamilton Place Mall incident on the shit show that is 2016

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Some 24 hours after fireworks were set off in Hamilton Place Mall that caused a commotion with multiple injuries, Chattanooga police have placed the blame to none other than the year 2016.

“It’s been pretty much a terrible year for humanity, so why not place the blame on 2016,” explained Chattanooga Police spokesmen Duke Shitemen. “I wouldn’t be surprised if some lousy kids dressed in the numbers 2016 were able to pull this off and get away scot-free.”

Sources believe this won’t be the last time 2016 will rear its ugly head.

“We are currently preparing for the strong possibility of 2016 causing the Tennessee River to drain, only to re-appear on Missionary Ridge with St Elmo floating in it,” exclaimed Shitemen.
“After the year we’ve endured, why not?”

City of Chattanooga to close every downtown business, all to reopen as Hotel or Escape Game

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According to City of Chattanooga spokesman Larry McDowell, plans have been put in place to temporarily close down every downtown business and reopen them as large scale hotels or escape games. The announcement comes after numerous new escape skill games have opened in the area and the development of about 30 hotels.

“The future is now in escaping, sleeping, or a place to do some adultery things” exclaimed local zoning board member Kevin Thompson.

Some experts believe new city tax incentives will bring about hotels that incorporate escape games in its guest rooms.

“We think people will go wild for a challenging escape from a glass hotel room with no door,” explained hotel builder Jerry Slanders. “The only problem we face now is where to unload all this sea life.”

 

 

Smoke from Chuck Fleischmann burning Melody Shekari signs fills Chattanooga area skies

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After months of rigorous campaigning for the U.S. Representative of Tennessee’s 3rd congressional district seat, incumbent Chuck Fleischmann took out his frustrations of opponent Melody Shekari by gathering up her signs and lighting them ablaze.

Little did he know that his act of rage would turn into an out of control wildfire, which has threatened hundreds of acres of land and turned Chattanooga skies into a smoke-filled haze that smells a little better than it did before.

Experts believe the fires will burn well after a candidate has been elected.

“Debate this!” exclaimed Fleischmann, blindly lighting a Shekari sign on fire, after the wind had blown hair into his eyes. “I’ve burned about 4,000 signs so far, only about 15,000 more to go.”

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